Wednesday, June 17, 2009

"eating" chic

let's face it, yall: food is gross.

nobody really "eats" anymore.

these days food is nothing but a fashion statement. an accessory.

that being said, if you MUST eat this summer, i suggest only these chic foods:

1. popsicles: make girls look "sexy" and boys look "gay." (neither go out out of style).
2. cotton candy: comes in various colors to match outfits.
3. veggie hot dogs: hot dogs are chic 4 the same reason as popsicles. but they MUST be "veggie" bc its cool to look like you "care about the environment."
4. children's cereal: men only like young girls so anything that reminds them of you as a child is a plus
5. salad: makes you look like you "have an eating disorder" aka are chic.
6. "ethnic food": makes people think you're "worldly" and/or "open-minded."
7. muffins: people will associate you with starbucks, which will associate you with mary kate olsen.
8. ring pops: same reasons as #1 & #3, but mostly they're just great jewelry.
9. oreos: they're vegan ("Hip"), good colors.
10. pork rhinds: these things are so gross people will assume you're just being "ironic."

do yall plan on "eating" this summer?


  1. think ring pops are a bad call because they immediately make me think "sticky spit-goo running down the ring pop and all the way down to your finger eventually spreading across your entire hand and maybe causing temporary discoloration"

    similarly cotton candy makes me think "ring of sticky around mouth and maybe discoloration"

    and oreos make me think "about the story some fucker from my HS told about his girlfriend giving him a BJ and she spit out his 'load' [gurl was a spitter] and was worried because it was full of little black specks but it turns out they had been eating oreos earlier how fucking unromantic"

    think food should leave no trace of having been eaten, that is the problem with almost all food :[

    want to meet a girl who brushes her teeth all the time

    makes me think about a commercial for the new flav of Doritos where the cute girl is in the back of a taxicab and she starts poppin Doritos and is really enjoying them and from the street this bitchin megaclub sprouts and the cab stops and she goes into it the club to party all night, like, no i haven't just eaten a bag of doritos, im prepared to implicitly meet a hot young guy to take home/go home with and there won't be a single moment where i wish i had packed a toothbrush because real world science and logic don't apply to this backwards commercial world where hot&hip young ladies eat doritos and fucking taco-flavored doritos for that matter

    gabe and i didnt fashion blog a girl once because she had a little vending machine bag of doritos. she was gorgeous too, but couldn't bring myself to say "all right babe can you just set your doritos down over here while i snap some shots of your hot body in this fly get-up"

    because the doritos made me think, "there must be something wrong with this girl, something far beneath the surface, something that makes her unbloggable"

  2. and seriously, popsicles, flawless suggestion. just the photo makes me want to go on an AA spree, swing into locopops and pick up a tealish or blue-greenish shade of popsicle, post up, and suck on it

  3. so true, zach. what was i thinking?

    actually recently realized that the only acceptable foods are diet coke, ice cubes and tic tacs.