Thursday, July 16, 2009

Date With the Night

after all these years i finally understand what Karen-O means in Date With the Night: she's going out alone.

i never had a problem going out alone before i came 2 milan.
in america "going out" meant "going next door" or "getting a 40" or "sitting on a curb." here people actually "do things at places" so going alone can be intimidating.

however when most of your friends live in america and the rest are too busy 2 go out you rly have no other choice unless you want 2 stay in and h8 yourself.

here are some tips on how 2 make a date w/the night a success:

1: ATTIRE.
look fabulous. this goes w/o saying but you have to be a different kind of fabulous when you're going out alone. you have to look great but not too great. like, you dont want 2 look like you "tried too hard" bc that's pathetic and you dont want 2 put 2 much effort into it bc if you have a shitty time you'll feel terrible taking off that wasted outfit and all that make-up.
also v. important: if you wear heels plz make sure you CAN WALK IN THEM bc stumbling in heels is even shittier when you're alone. also make sure the heel isn't thin enough to get caught in a vent...you won't have anyone w/you 2 help pull it out and you'll have 2 wait 4 "some guy walking by" 2 help you. and then he'll try 2 talk 2 you and get your number and ask where you're going and your life will be a mess.


2. TOOLS.
be prepared. bring w/e you'll need 2 make your night better. this could be a box of Tavernello, a pack of cigarettes or, in my case, a good magazine. your choice of magazine is v. important; you don't want 2 look pretentious reading some "artistic" magazine but you also dont want 2 look stupid reading Cosmo. though its cliche, ive found that Vogue works the best in these situations. its says "i like fashion but i also like 2 read."
bring enough money 4 a drink and an "emergency taxi," but not 2 much. if you bring 2 much money you'll end up getting trashed by yourself and thats depressing. (if you get drunk alone you WILL CRY). also make sure you bring your phone and that it's fully charged.

3. DRINKS.
order wisely. all drinks have a different connotation when you drink them alone. here are some examples:
beer:
w/friends: "im easygoing." alone: "im gross."
wine:
w/friends: "im classy." alone: "im stuck up."
liquor drinks:w/friends: "im mature." alone: "im an alcoholic."
shots:
w/friends: "im fun." alone: "im crazy."
4. ATTITUDE.
look bored yet approachable. sit @ the bar, read your magazine, drink your drink, and look like you're "waiting 4 someone." check your phone a lot, text/tweet, etc. you're like, "totally pissed that your friends are late." or youre "rly sad that your date stood you up."
look around a lot. this will make it seem like you're looking 4 your "friends" but also will give you chance 2 make "eye contact" w/people. also definitely go outside 4 a cigarette (even if you dont smoke). you'll look cooler and you'll have something 2 do.
if youre @ a "dance" club, go out and dance by yourself. this is actually rly easy; dont worry abt looking dumb; just pretend youre on a lot of drugs (if you aren't already).
MOST IMPORTANTLY: be open 2 new ppl. remember that ugly, boring people usually have attractive, interesting friends. and remember that "beggars can't be choosers."

5. MORAL SUPPORT.
call your mom!!!
she always makes you feel "loved" when you're sitting alone @ a bar.
bonus points if you can talk 2 her in a "foreign language." not only will this make you seem more "interesting" but every1 will think you're talking 2 one of your "friends." also this is a good conversation starter:

"hey, where are you from?"

(important: make sure you text her and tell her to call you so you dont seem desperate).


6. HOME.
know when to give up.
if nobody is talking to you and you aren't dancing and even the girls in the bathroom are ignoring you and you're feeling depressed and your mom is unavailable, just go home. there's always tomorrow!

if you have enough cash left you should take a taxi...
or dont. "sad, pretty drunk girl walking home alone" attracts rly cool people.

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