Monday, August 17, 2009

bloggers block

hey yall, remember me?

im only writing to clear the air. ive heard the rumors. i've heard that  i'm "not funny anymore" and that i've "RUN OUT OF MATERIAL."

and im disappointed. i'd like to think you'd at least come up w/better stuff like that i "overdosed" or "got knocked up." i dont know if im more offended by the lack of faith yall have in me or by how boring yall think i am. anyway,

1. i was never funny.
2. the day i run out of "material" is the day Karl Lagerfeld admits he's straight.

that being said, i do admit that i've been facing some problems since ive come back to america:

1.  i caught the Swine Flu.
2. learned that im suffering from Skinny Fat.
3. got surgery.

did i finally get that nose job?
i wish.
unfortunately it's nothing so glamorous. last week i had my tonsils and adenoids removed.

that's right- all this time ive been suffering in silence. for years ive had trouble breathing, id get sick for no reason and always had a stuffy nose. the worst part? i was snoring.

my doctor and i finally decided that this had to be done. in the middle of my American Summer Vacation. while i should have been barbecuing,


and dancing,

ive been in bed, bleeding and crying.


it's not all bad, however. in addition to noticing a difference in my breathing/voice, (may be a pop star after all!) i've had some Post-Surgery Perks:

1. Mad Men.
ive been laying in bed since friday with nothing to do but watch every episode like 500 times

all the women in this show are my new fashion icons. they chain smoke and drink and gossip all day and  i think i would have fit in really well had it not been for all that "sexism" or whatever. (sucks that the worse "politics" were throughout history, the better, in turn, were the shoes).

Joan is obviously my favorite bc she's the "bitch" who "uses" all the men.

i feel it's really appropriate that ive been watching a show full of frustrated, restless secretaries and housewives while i, myself, have been frustrated, restless and bound to the house. luckily in my case there's no husband or child involved.

2. weight-loss.
my doctor told me i'd have to be on a "liquid diet" following my surgery.
i was like, "what else is new?"
consuming only yogurt, baby food and fruit juices does wonders for one's figure.

3. drugs.
they've got me drinking liquid oxycodone every day. glad even doctors prefer me as a junkie.

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