Saturday, August 22, 2009

the crumpets comrade

a general rule i have for myself is to stay as uninformed as possible. i avoid any "Real Facts" that have anything to do with people, places or things. since ive been staying with my parents in america, however, ive had trouble avoiding it because they watch the news (via the Daily Show) every single day.

ive overheard some things, and from what i understand, America's Going Red.

with this new "Healthcare Plan" our Prez is suggesting the U.S. will be Communist by 2010. our kids will be reading Karl Marx instead of Huckleberry Finn. tweenage Middle-Class Angst will be replaced by Class-Less Angst and your new iphone will become everyone's new iphone.

not only that, but fashion will change completely.
by next year you wont have a choice-all your clothes will be government issued-but if you want to stay "with it" i'd suggest you start dressing and acting as communist as possible as soon as possible.

being a Communist Enthusiast and Natural-Born Slav, i wont have to change much to keep up. but for those of you a bit more "american," ive compiled a list of hot trends for this fall that will keep you "In Vogue" and away from any Blacklists that may be going around: 

Fall 2009; Trends for the Crumpets Comrade:

1. Wear Red.
this shows people that youre an obedient, supportive communist and that youre sexy and fun! 

2. Be Commie Chic.
"commie chic" is a difficult chic to describe because its more complex than the other chics. heroin chic, hippy chic, retro chic, etc, are restricted to a few variations of one "look." commie chic can't be described because that would be like describing what "capitalist chic" would look like, if capitalism could be chic. 

because communists can be little girls, teenage soldiers, grandparents and dictators, it simply can't be described. it's something you have to feel and something you'll have to learn. you'll need some guidance, and that brings me to my next tip:

3. Follow a Fashion Icon.
good male fashion icons are Vladimir Lenin

and Josip Broz Tito.

great female icons are Nadezhda Krupskaya 

and Cate Blanchett in "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull."

4. Stay Informed via Propaganda.
a good communist reads up on propaganda daily; this wont be a big change for anyone because the stuff's everywhere. Vogue is my favorite. in fact, my first few tips are supported in this month's issue! right on the cover it says that "Red Is The Color" for fall and that "Boots & Suits are Back!" 

5. Get a Nickname.
nicknames are always cool but they've got to keep up w/the times.
here are some examples:

Ann = Anezka
Brittany = Bronislava
Kate = Kazatimiru
Bob = Boleslaus
Tom =Tomislav 
Ross = Rostislav
Van = Vladimir


6. Drink.
good communists are drunk communists and drunk communists drink Vodka. 

good communists drink vodka straight, but if you can't do that (rolls eyes) you can order a mixed drink only if its acceptable:

Red Russian
1 ounce strawberry liqueur 
1 ounce vodka
1 ounce heavy cream

1/3 ounce raspberry syrup
1/3 ounce grenadine
1/3 ounce creme de cassis
1 ounce vodka

a 'Cosmo' is not.

7. Find Fitting Music.
yall know the music you listen to has to fit your "image." (ive made an ipod playlist to match each of my outfits). your safest bet is the old stuff. here's a song by a Yugoslavian band from the 80s called "Idoli." i love this song because its good for parties and for The Party.

8. Use Slavic Slang.
ok, before i get into this ill address what some of you are thinking: "why are you only talking about slavic commies? other places are/were communist, too!" ok, i know that China is "communist" or whatever but everyone knows that doesn't count. slavs were the only real communists. therefore one way to be really authentic is to use some slavic slang. think Alex in "A Clockwork Orange."

he used slavic-sounding words all the time that weren't even real words! if you believe they're real, so will everyone else. till you get that down call everyone "comrade." its a good start.

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