Tuesday, August 18, 2009

How To "Fake It:" looking strung out

yall ive been doing a lot of (prescribed) drugs lately bc of my surgery and im starting to get what "all the fuss" is about-why being strung out never goes out of style; why Pete and Amy always look so chic.

being "strung out" is the best thing that's even happened to me; i look tired, hungry, weak and sick; aka amazing. the problem is that i can't keep it up much longer.

today my mom told me that she's suspicious of me and that i may be "more like my father afterall." she said she'd start marking my (second) bottle of Oxycodone because she's worried i may be taking too much.

im not so upset about not "getting high" anymore; im just sad that my strung out look will fade before anyone sees it! (remember ive been INSIDE all week).

thankfully ive got this look down, and i think that ill know how to fake it. cuz lets face it, yall. girls are great at faking. we fake everything from our cup sizes to our orgassies*

* "orgassie" -- newest slang for "orgasm," via up-and-coming (famous) blogger Matt George, aka Suddenly Goku.

thats why ive decided to start a series of How To "Fake It" blogs, for those of you who may need some tips. the first thing im going to teach you how to fake is being (looking) strung out. here's what you'll need:

1. a sickly complexion
this ideally includes, but is not limited to, paleness. tan people can also have a sickly complexion. make sure you don't use any blush or concealer. your whole face should be one even, sickly tone. you need to look like you're on the verge of fainting/passing out/vomiting.

2. dark under-eye circles
these are great; ive always been drawn to guys with dark under-eye circles. they're super sexy and super chic. dark under-eyes are hot because they imply that the person w/ them was 1) not sleeping, aka out all night partying 2) not sleeping, aka up all night doing drugs 3) generally unhealthy. all very cool.

a great way to fake dark eye circles is with some nice brown eye shadow. it must be dark and matte. rub it under your eyes AND on your eyelids.

the picture above is a perfect example of fake under-eye circles. this is a bit subtle for my taste, but good for work or aschool.

3. gross hair
remember my post on the uses of baby oil? well add this to the list!
dont wash your hair for a while. youre too busy shooting up! rub baby oil into your scalp for the perfect gross and greasy look.

4. sweat
you're anxious, you're nervous, you're freaking out cause you need your "fix." you're one big, sweaty mess. actual sweat is way gross, so for this you should also use your baby oil; apply a generous layer of sweat-like grease to your face and your limbs.

5. weight loss
probably not something you can fake. go on the tonsillectomy+adenoidectomy liquid diet (see previous post) and you'll get there within a week.

6. nervous habit/tick
youre fiending, remember? you've got to develop some kind of nervous twitch or habit if you wanna seem legit; this could be scratching, shaking or even chain-smoking.
be convincing.

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