Monday, November 9, 2009

well the weather outside is frightful



But i am REFUSING to wear pants.

It may be below freezing. I may be coughing blood and my fingers may have frostbite--but at least I don't look frumpy.

Some people are letting themselves go already and it isnt even Thanksgiving yet! This isnt necessary--you can stay warm [enough] without sweaters, pants or Uggs: 


1) Have a Year-Round-Wardrobe.
I never buy "Winter Clothing." Buying "Winter Clothing" means you're letting Winter Win. Winter ain't your Mom and it can't tell you what to do! Wear your summer shit all year long!!!

 who says it isnt "Ice Friendly?"
Yall have been brainwashed into thinking you need to buy "warm" (ugly) things for the Winter when really they just want your money and they're actually making you colder!

My theory is when you wear Summer Clothes you trick your body into thinking that it is summer. The colder it gets the less you should wear.


1) Double -up on stockings.
Wear two pairs at once-I'm convinced [have convinced myself] they're warmer than pants. Just make sure the first pair is CONTROL TOP so the second one doesn't make you look fat.


2) Warm your hands via Cups Of Coffee. 
Coffee cups are chic via Mary Kate



and they are warm via there being coffee inside of them. 

The only rule is the cups have to be Name Brand. 

Don't be seen carrying a cup from some "local coffee shop" because people will assume you support "fair trade" and your "community." 

& You'll look like a hippy. 

Milan doesn't have Starbucks (big surprise) but we do have McCafe. 

Carrying a McCafe cup around the Duomo,

on Bus 91

and in the "club"

is the chicest and warmest way to spend this winter.

3) Wear extra make-up.
Some extra toner, foundation, powder, blush, eyeshadow, eyelashes & lipstick can really add warmth

and help you look like Liza Minnelli.


4) Grow out your hair.

Just kidding!

But DO use TONS of hairspray.

This keeps cold air from touching your head via the hairspray having a protective "helmet effect."
We are The Horrors. Our hair keeps us warm.

5) Buy long gloves.
I wrote about Long Leather Gloves a while ago and I'm still insisting on them.

They're sexy and they work as "sleeves" when none of your clothes have sleeves via your wardrobe consisting of Party Dresses.


6) Drink.
How do yall think the Russians [Croatians] do it? 

If alcohol can help you forget your loneliness, shame & self-loathing it can also help you forget that you're cold.

Vodka is the only acceptable thing this winter via The Rules of Commie Chic.

7) Find a cute boy to "keep you warm."
And by "boy" I mean "animal/pet."


Cats are nice because they don't get attached so when they become "last season" you can kick them out.

Mice are Nice (LOL) but they're small so if you want to keep warm with them you'll have to buy a ton. When you have to get rid of them next season you can use this.

Dogs are disgusting.


8) Don't leave the Haus.
What's out there worth seeing anyway? 

See yall next summer.

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