Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Swine

hey guys. sorry ive been neglecting yall but ive been sick all week. so sick, that i had to go to the HOSPITAL and wear an fing MASK! (How rude). the docs tested me for everything--strep throat, tuberculosis, scabies, rabies, AIDS-but i dont need a doctor to tell me what i have or how i got it, because i know that i got The Swine Flu.

it all started on friday:

on my way home from Boone i stopped at the McDonalds in Wilkesboro to "get an iced mocha." i was really curious about this new "McCafe" concept.

so i park my car and go inside. i get my iced mocha- which is served hot, in a clear plastic cup, LOL- and walk to my car. i get in, take a sip of my drink, turn the key, and 

Ooooooooohmygawd

my car won't start! i try again. nothing. again. NOTHING.

i panic. 

i call my dad (duh).

im SURE that he can help me because he's a Mechanic


and im Just a Girl 


so this whole thing can be solved in a really obvious, simple way. 

"Tea, turn the key clockwise." 

but he can't help. all he can do is drive all the way to WILKESBORO from CHAPEL HILL and fix my car/ take me home. so till then i'm stuck at McDonald's with nothing to do for about 3 hours. (thank god it's my fave restaurant)!

so obviously i make a scene.

i walk back into that McDonald's looking as "pouty" and "helpless" as possible, and im like, "hey you guys...?" (winy, baby voice-think Cher).


"my car wont start...can somebody help me?" (magic words).

"ok, ma'am don't worry we'll send someone out there." 

so i go outside and in about a minute im met by 3 McBoys who are going to "fix my car." one of them is apparently a Mechanic as well so he's in my car trying to start it, meanwhile the other boys are "comforting" me, asking me if they can get me anything, etc. (youve got to look like you're on the verge of tears/making out and boys immediately want to "save" you). 

"well...do you know where i could get some magazines?"

anyway the "mechanic" decides to jump(?) my car or something, so he takes these cables and attaches them to this thing inside my car and to the same type of thing inside his car, (its like our cars were "doing it" or something) but that doesn't work either. and by that time some McGirl comes out and makes all the McBoys come back in because apparently they're still "on the clock" or something.

so whatever. i go back to McD's, sit in the most visible place (demand the most attention) and look as sad/worried as possible till the McFreeDrinks start coming over. and by the time my dad comes i know the entire McCafe menu.

i go to bed full of love and caffeine but i wake up full of the Swine Flu. and I KNOW where it came from. 


Tuesday, July 21, 2009

the dreamerz

hey yall im back and so relieved to be in ameriKa; the trip over here was bad; i kept doing stupid shit.--like a week before my trip i printed out my ticket and put it in a "safe place." so of course the NIGHT before my trip i decide to put it in my bag and realize i have no idea where it is. so i call my mom and she calls the airline and says that her "daughter is an idiot plz give her another chance."  4 some reason they do, so like, "ok."

-LESSON: alwayz let your mom do things 4 you-

so everything's cool until i get to london.
when i get there i decide i need to "change my stockings" bc the ones i'm wearing are "too ripped."

so i go to the Ladiez Room with every intention of "hurrying" but like, when youre already in front of a mirror and have all your make up w/you, do you really have a choice?  by the time i get out i realize that i only have 30 min to get through passport control & security, change terminals & find my gate! (if you've ever been 2 London Heathrow airport you know that takes @ LEAST 8 hours).  so im like, "shit."

so im panicking and asking the Airport People to "help me" and eventually an Airport Lady lets me cut in line and every1 in line gets mad @ me and then i "cut another line" and all THOSE people get mad @ me and THEN i cut ANOTHER line and run(!) to another terminal to catch my flight, which had already boarded like, an hour ago. by the time i get there some other Airport Lady @ my gate is yelling abt how some "Teee-uh Hagggick Vlahoveeck" better "get her ass on the plane" or they're "taking off w/o her." LOL. (feel sorry for that Tee-uh girl; dont think she ever made it).

-LESSON: dont waste time in Ladiez Room; change your stockings @ the gate-

so 8 hours later im in america, and everything is fine; i get through security, get my boarding pass, etc. i even have time to get some coffee and buy a magazine! 

so im sitting @ my gate, drinking coffee and learning "How To Please a Man in Under 30 Seconds" when i hear the Airport Lady telling us to board.
and only then do i look 4 my boarding pass.
and only then do i see that ive LOST IT!
so i take out EVERYTHING in my purse and carry-on, including the embarrassing stuff like my Tampax, Vagisil, Rogain, etc. its all on the floor and im digging through it, yelling "PLZ WAIT 4 ME! ITS IN HERE SOMEWHERE!" probably looked like a "crazy person."

anyway i dont find it so i go to the lady @ the desk and i beg her to make an exception 4 me; that i PROMISE i had the boarding pass just a minute ago and that she can check my info on the computerz or w/e. (@ this point every1 is waiting 4 me on the plane AGAIN). so the lady actually lets me on the plane, thank god, and you wont believe what i saw the MOMENT i sat in the plane and opened my magazine: my boarding pass! --next to Katy Perry's stupid face in my stupid Cosmopolitan.

-LESSON: don't buy Cosmo-

SPEAKING of reading materials, i actually read a rly good book on my way here: "The Dreamers" by Gilbert Adair

this is a beautiful coming-of-age story we can all relate to: a tale of friendship, love, incest and death. (made me sad; wish i had a brother). i think the point of this book was to tell us that everyone should love everyone "no matter what." 

also, according 2 my "google images search" its now a movie? why didnt i know abt this?

holey shit





Sunday, July 19, 2009

Teahood of the travelling Teas

hey yall! 2morrow im America-bound once again. im rly excited; hoping this trip will be just as scandalous and dramatic as the last ;)

im also pretty excited abt. getting there; over the years ive gotten rly good @ making the most of airports, airplanes, flight attendants, etc.
here are some tips 4 those of you "traveling" this summer:

1) pack lightly.
ONLY bring what you absolutely need:

walking heels, running heels, driving heels, daytime heels, nighttime heels, restaurant heels, cafe heels, beach heels and home heels.
you dont need 2 pack clothes bc your mom/sister will buy you some when you come home.

2) carry-on wisely.
you'll need:
-all of your makeup; you'll look like shit mid-atlantic.
-a charged ipod, so you can listen to rly sad music while your plane is taking off; this way you can make yourself cry and feel like youre in a movie.
-a book, in case you sit next 2 a cute boy and want 2 "impress him" by "pretending 2 read."
-a fashion magazine, so you can tell your mom/sister what 2 buy u when u land.
-some food (just kidding! lol).
-some gum, if you "get lucky" w/the boy next 2 u.
-some money, if u get stuck @ the airport and need 2 "hit the bar."
-your phone, so you can send ppl rly "sad texts." (make them miss u).

3) be careful!
rly people, last time i 4got my carry-on @ security and had some "problems." they'll think youre a terrorist, and not in the chic way.

4) take advantage of the flight attendants.

they're there 4 a reason.

5) get "picked up.
"
if you have time, "get lost" in the airport (soooo confusing) and ask one of the pilots 4 "help" ;)
(this only counts if he's in uniform)

6) freshen up.
@ the duty-free stores. they're full of perfume and makeup samples and sometimes they give out free shots!

7) take your time.
are your parents/friends/boyfriend(s) meeting u @ the airport? GOOD.
make em' wait!
once you reach your final destination you dont want 2 hurry and look like you "missed" the ppl there. go 2 the bathroom, get some coffee, change outfits, etc. YOURE the one who just had to travel across the ocean; they should be happy you're coming @ all.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Date With the Night

after all these years i finally understand what Karen-O means in Date With the Night: she's going out alone.

i never had a problem going out alone before i came 2 milan.
in america "going out" meant "going next door" or "getting a 40" or "sitting on a curb." here people actually "do things at places" so going alone can be intimidating.

however when most of your friends live in america and the rest are too busy 2 go out you rly have no other choice unless you want 2 stay in and h8 yourself.

here are some tips on how 2 make a date w/the night a success:

1: ATTIRE.
look fabulous. this goes w/o saying but you have to be a different kind of fabulous when you're going out alone. you have to look great but not too great. like, you dont want 2 look like you "tried too hard" bc that's pathetic and you dont want 2 put 2 much effort into it bc if you have a shitty time you'll feel terrible taking off that wasted outfit and all that make-up.
also v. important: if you wear heels plz make sure you CAN WALK IN THEM bc stumbling in heels is even shittier when you're alone. also make sure the heel isn't thin enough to get caught in a vent...you won't have anyone w/you 2 help pull it out and you'll have 2 wait 4 "some guy walking by" 2 help you. and then he'll try 2 talk 2 you and get your number and ask where you're going and your life will be a mess.


2. TOOLS.
be prepared. bring w/e you'll need 2 make your night better. this could be a box of Tavernello, a pack of cigarettes or, in my case, a good magazine. your choice of magazine is v. important; you don't want 2 look pretentious reading some "artistic" magazine but you also dont want 2 look stupid reading Cosmo. though its cliche, ive found that Vogue works the best in these situations. its says "i like fashion but i also like 2 read."
bring enough money 4 a drink and an "emergency taxi," but not 2 much. if you bring 2 much money you'll end up getting trashed by yourself and thats depressing. (if you get drunk alone you WILL CRY). also make sure you bring your phone and that it's fully charged.

3. DRINKS.
order wisely. all drinks have a different connotation when you drink them alone. here are some examples:
beer:
w/friends: "im easygoing." alone: "im gross."
wine:
w/friends: "im classy." alone: "im stuck up."
liquor drinks:w/friends: "im mature." alone: "im an alcoholic."
shots:
w/friends: "im fun." alone: "im crazy."
4. ATTITUDE.
look bored yet approachable. sit @ the bar, read your magazine, drink your drink, and look like you're "waiting 4 someone." check your phone a lot, text/tweet, etc. you're like, "totally pissed that your friends are late." or youre "rly sad that your date stood you up."
look around a lot. this will make it seem like you're looking 4 your "friends" but also will give you chance 2 make "eye contact" w/people. also definitely go outside 4 a cigarette (even if you dont smoke). you'll look cooler and you'll have something 2 do.
if youre @ a "dance" club, go out and dance by yourself. this is actually rly easy; dont worry abt looking dumb; just pretend youre on a lot of drugs (if you aren't already).
MOST IMPORTANTLY: be open 2 new ppl. remember that ugly, boring people usually have attractive, interesting friends. and remember that "beggars can't be choosers."

5. MORAL SUPPORT.
call your mom!!!
she always makes you feel "loved" when you're sitting alone @ a bar.
bonus points if you can talk 2 her in a "foreign language." not only will this make you seem more "interesting" but every1 will think you're talking 2 one of your "friends." also this is a good conversation starter:

"hey, where are you from?"

(important: make sure you text her and tell her to call you so you dont seem desperate).


6. HOME.
know when to give up.
if nobody is talking to you and you aren't dancing and even the girls in the bathroom are ignoring you and you're feeling depressed and your mom is unavailable, just go home. there's always tomorrow!

if you have enough cash left you should take a taxi...
or dont. "sad, pretty drunk girl walking home alone" attracts rly cool people.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Nun ya bisness

im a "self-improvement" kind of girl-always trying to be a "chicer person."

sometimes the only way to figure out what's chic is to figure out what's cliche and do the opposite. today i was thinking, and realized that the only way to be as chic as possible is to avoid the Worlds Biggest Cliche:

SEX.
isn't it obvious?
EVERYONE does it. sex is more cliche than CHILDBIRTH.

not only that, but sex sucks in general. for example, to "do sex" you have to take off your clothes, and when you're wearing a great outfit (every day) thats the last thing you want to do. (plus it always ruins your hair/makeup).

before:after:GROSS!!!


like, what was the point of "getting ready?" you may as well stay home & watch Beaches & eat ice cream and cry and fight with your mom via the phone and regret your entire adolescence or whatever.
most importantly, sex usually involves "talking 2 boys" which we all know is f'ing horrible.
so. this is what im thinking. if sex is the Ultimate Cliche, Celibacy is therefore the Ultimate Chicness. and if Celibacy is the Ultimate Chicness, what is the Worlds Chicest Job? Nunning.
im surprised its taken me so long 2 figure this out. aside from chillin w/ "jesus" bro, im destined to be a Nun. i always wear black, i hate kids and i leeerrved Sister Act.
cant wait 2 join my Nun thing. think it will be like America's Next Top Model. can't wait 2 meet Tyra and "bond" w/the girls. can't wait to "form cliques" and "stab each other in the backs." can't wait to go to the "confessional" and tell the camera guy all my "secrets." can't wait to blog abt my adventures. do Nuns get wireless?

Sunday, July 12, 2009

The Host

so my friend Andrew the Experimental Musician stayed w/me last week. he's playing in some italian "music festival" this month aka needed an excuse 2 come see me.
he was here ALL WEEK which was pretty stressful 4 me bc i take "hosting" rly seriously. think i did a good job.

keys to being a good host:

1. quality time: work all day, every day of your guest's visit. (bonus points if you're also in school).
2. accomodation: let them sleep in your ikea bed. you can sleep on your couch. (because your couch is actually more comfortable plus you haven't washed the sheets on your bed since that weird French Guy stayed over).
3. local cuisine: dont buy food or take them out 2 eat.
4. dealing w/jet-lag: wake them up @ 7.00! if you have 2 be up 4 work they should too! wake them up completely, until they can't go back to sleep again and then leave 4 work. let them "find their own fun."
5. sight-seeing: try to take them "inside the Duomo" but get refused entrance bc your "skirt is too short." ("its not a skirt, its a DRESS!"). h8 the Duomo.
6. art/culture: dont take them to any museums/historical buildings. *yawn*
7. nightlife: take them 2 a bar and leave them alone w/your friends while you go "talk to someone else."
8. flexibility: go to their concert and "make them leave early" bc youre "tired."
9. souveneers: take them "shopping for gifts" aka "buy shoes 4 yourself."
10. courtesy: yell @ them on daily basis 4 "leaving their shoes on inside your apt."
h8 boys & their stupid shoes