Saturday, September 26, 2009

a blog about being blogged about being fashion blogged

my Good Friend Zachary Smith, over at fine as hell black girl recently blogged about the fact that i was fashion blogged on stylesightings.
in his blog Zachary Smith suggests that i should legally change my name to Red11.jpg because that is what Peter (the [rly hot but totally uninterested] photographer) saved my picture as. i think Zach is right because: 
1) "Tea Hacic-Vlahovic" is cliche. 
2) having a number/code instead of a name is chic because it reminds people of prison & the holocaust.
3) "Red11" will remind people of "711" which is chic because its american.
4) "jpg" will remind people of "computers" which will imply that im an "important blogger," which i am. 

Monday, September 21, 2009

job hunting

hey yall i need some advice. i recently stopped working for Les Hommes and need a new job. life here is really "competitive" so i may need some help. these are my options:

1) McDonald's 'Team Member.'
McDonald's is the chicest place in Milan, because it's American. it's the only thing open on Sundays and the only place with functioning restrooms. not only would i feel 'at home' working at McDonald's but i'd get to wear a really chic uniform and smell like french fries (attract boys).

this McDonald's is next to Prada so i could shop during my break.

2) Upim Sales Woman.
yall know i loooovvvee Upim. it's my favorite store (reminds me of Wal-Mart). i spent most of my time at Upim so i may as well get paid for it plus i'd probably get discounts.

3) 'Exotic Dancer.'
not only would i make tons of cash but i'd probably also meet the Man Of My Dreams

this club is in a great part of town; rly close to my apartment. 

4) Personal Shopper.
this would be amazing because i'd get paid to do my Favorite Thing. hopefully i could work for some Cute Business Man or something. you know, the type that's 'too busy making money to spend money.' 

if you know what i mean.

5) Nanny.
ive always wanted to be a nanny. it's a great job because you get to spend 'quality time' with children and meet hot dads ;-)

6) Maid.
being a maid would be a 'piece of cake' because i already clean 24/7. getting paid to clean would be like a dream for me. plus i'd get to 'steal shit' and wear a rly rly cute uniform.

7) Tour Guide.
im perfect for this because i know all the best restaurants, (McDonald's), the best coffee shops, (McCafe),
and all the "coolest" (most cliche) clubs in Milan.
my tourist would have a blast w/me.
so what do yall think? what should i do?

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

VMAS 2009

sorry i haven't blogged in a while but i was really busy working backstage (!) at the MTV Video Music Awards. im still a bit hungover from the after parties and im pretty sure i blacked out at one point but here's what i can remember:

1) Lady Gaga.
Lady Gaga changed clothes every five minutes. 

i found this annoying and pathetic. it's like she's so afraid of criticism and so unsure of herself that she has to wear something to fit every image she's trying to live up to and every person she's trying to please. she's obviously really really insecure. she's been spending a lot of time with what appears to be her mother, and i think that proves that she's too young/naive for this business.

i feel like she needs to "find herself" before she can become a true artist/performer. her "performance" at the VMAs was a total Snoozefest, if you ask me. 

totally fell asleep.

2) Pink.
dont you HATE it when you're all excited about a party and pick out the "perfect little dress" and get all "dolled up" only to get there and see that Shakira is wearing the SAME THING?

sooooo embarrassing 

3) Green Day.
*swoon*

4) Kanye West.
i lOVE Kanye. i think he's an amazing artist--i loved "Yeah!"

in addition to being a talented musician i think he's a really genuine, down-to-earth guy. 

its too bad he's dating that stuck up little bitch.

Friday, September 11, 2009

"fashion's night out"

last night was important. not only was it Seppie Elevie Eve but it was also "Fashion's Night Out 2009." all the most important stores and showrooms (Zara, H&M, Upim) were hosting cocktail parties and selling T-shirts to "Benefit The Planet" aka "Plant Trees In Milan" aka can trees even grow here?

anyway Fashion's Night Out was No Big Deal bc for me Every Night is Fashion Night. but i figured i'd get free stuff (steal) and maybe "meet some important people" (cute caterers). my friends and i started out @ the Vivienne Westwood Store. 

Matt, in Vivienne Westwood

Us, in JCPenny

(Photos by Matt Sabato and Hannah Byun)

i loooooved the Viv party because they were giving out Absolut Vodka Jello Shots in Martini Glasses. (LOL). The Italians were amazed; they had never seen anything like this. i told them that American College Students thought of Jello Shots years ago and that they aren't very chic unless you think "Girls Gone Wild-Frat Party Edition" is chic, which it is.

then we tried on outfits worth more than we'll ever make, felt depressed about "not being rich" and left.  

Hannah in Vivienne Westwood dress Worth 50,000 euros. 

YAWN.

then we went to the Diesel party which was a HUGE mistake. whoever thought Diesel was a brand was obviously mentally disabled.

innovative. 

later we went to the Giorgio Armani party, which like, sucked, but the bathroom was great and they were giving out these AMAZING nut things (still dont know what they are).

ps- since when was i an armani model?

later we went to Prada only to ask where Jil Sander was. (Prada=cliche). 

Matt, on the new collection: "the only good thing about that outfit is the wig on the mannequin." 

and that was that. what did i get out of it? free cocktails, newfound hatred for Diesel, newfound respect for Jello, and the idea to start wearing rollerblades everywhere.

Matt: "roller skates are obviously chicer than rollerblades so that would actually make wearing rollerblades vs roller skates more chic."

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

be all u can be

living in Milan has only lead me to one conclusion: 

it is the least chic place in the world. 


there's nowhere to go and nothing to do and everyone here is cliche. all i do is drink tavernello and have photo shoots with Matt. (yawn).


we desperately need to move but we have nowhere to go!  we wanted to go to Siberia but the clothing's too bulky.


we wanted to go to Romania but vampires are cliche.


we hate London. we hate Paris. we obviously can't go back to America. we need to go somewhere people will "get us" -- where our brilliance can be "appreciated." thats why i think we should Join The Army. 


if we joined the army we could travel the world for free. in addition to that:


1- the uniforms are chic.


2- the boys are starving and desperate aka "our type."




Mmmmm


3- we'd be starving and desperate aka "ourselves."


4- everyone would "miss us" and "feel sorry for us" and "write us letters."


5- we would NEVER have to see another H&M or ZARA again.


what is this, JCPenny?


6- we would NEVER have to go to some stupid cliche club again.


the clubs in Iraq are authentic.


7- we would NEVER have to ride the metro or call a taxi again. 


8- most importantly, we would probably die and as Matt has famously said, "whats the point of being alive when you can be dead?" 


Saturday, September 5, 2009

is this 'love?'

yesterday after school i took a walk around the Ghetto aka the Duomo.
i was on my way to buy Gelato
when i passed a mime on a platform.
i stopped to "get a good look at him" because I LOOOVE MIMES. i love all mimes equally and usually dont discriminate between them, but This Mime-Yesterday's Mime-My Mime, was special. not only was he brilliant @ that "invisible wall" thing but he was also unbelievably gorgeous. 
i instantly "fell in love."

i always figured mimes were celibate so i didn't think i had a chance. i decided i had to "leave the scene" before i grew too attached to him. before he could "break my heart." i knew the best way to do it was to Walk Away And Never Look Back, but i also knew that i had to do something-i had to try because otherwise i would "never forgive myself." 

so, in an attempt at Finding True Love i made eye contact with him, gave him the ol' Sex Eyes and turned to walk away. (i figured if i turned around soon enough i wouldn't have to see him "ignore me")

here's the thing, though-he didn't ignore me.

upon receiving and returning my Seductive Stare the Mime actually stopped what he was doing, got off of his platform, ran over to me and grabbed. my. arm. then he pulled me close, looked into my eyes and gave me the most passionate, incredible, most beautiful Mime Kiss a girl could ever hope for.
too bad he was kinda short when he got off the platform and got face paint all over my dress.