Saturday, October 31, 2009

Monday, October 26, 2009

a christmas story

these are "hard times" for everyone, but especially for me.

i recently found out i can't go back to America for Christmas. (or My Birthday or New Years Eve). i will be Alone. in Milan. for the Holidays. 

ive always hated Xmas so im not that upset about not having a Tree, Presents, Family or Friends on that day--


in fact i'm looking forward to locking myself up in my little apartment, watching local television and sobbing into a pillow.

ive realized that it may in fact be better to spend My Birthday (December 20th), Xmas (December 25th) and New Years Eve (December 31st/January 1st) alone:

1) ill starve.
the worst part about the Holidays is all the Fing Food! being alone will mean not being exposed to all the cookies and cakes my Mom Bakes With Love 


or the eggnog i buy myself at Walgreens. 

not only that, but because stores are hardly ever open in italy i know for sure they wont be open during the Holidays which means i wont be able to eat anything. so while you suckers put on the "holiday bulk" ill be looking as sickly as ever.

2) ill save money.
being alone for the holidays means not having to buy people presents. (win).

3) ill catch up on schoolwork.
by watching tv.

4) ill have quality time.
with myself.

no, it's not Xmas im sad about--its America. i really Miss America.

"I miss America. ever heard of "Miss America?" it's us, literally." -Matt Sabato

i miss Goldfish Snacks, 

Velveeta Cheese 

and Kid Cuisine.

i miss 40s.

i miss Being Free. 

my mom said i can go to Croatia for Xmas.
like, if i wanted clinical depression i'd watch A Walk To Remember.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

what are you doing right now?

maybe you've heard about www.Facebook.com

its a Social Networking Site that helps you stay "connected" to friends and people you dont know. Facebook has many great applications; you can post pictures of yourself, flirt w/boys on "Facebook Chat," find out which Desperate Housewife Character you're most like, 

and promote yourself via your Facebook Status.

your Facebook Status is like the Window To Your Soul--what someone writes in their Facebook Status is more important than what they do or say in "real life." 

unfortunately a lot of people fall into Facebook Status Ruts via telling us their class/work schedule or what they had for breakfast--Facebook Statuses are there to help you--to promote your image and represent Who You Are--you owe it to yourself and your Facebook Friends to have the best status possible--i realize that some people are more capable than others, and that's why ive made this guide. 

Facebook Status Guide 2009:

1) The feelings/thoughts/actions approach.
this is when someone writes what they are actually feeling or thinking or doing in their Facebook Status. for example:

"(insert name) is making MAC N' CHEESE with her BFFS!!!!! girls night out tonight WOOOOO!!!!!!" 

this is to facebook statuses what Flip Flops are to shoes--retarded. this type of status is ONLY acceptable if it is obviously ironic. for example, if i had this as a status it would be ok because everyone knows that i 1) dont cook and 2) dont have any friends.

2) The Song Lyrics Approach. 
this is when someone writes song lyrics in their Facebook Status. this is tricky because for this to work the lyrics need to be:

1) from a song that is FING HILARIOUS so posting the lyrics make you seem "funny."
2) from a song thats SO commercial/popular that you're obviously only posting it as a "commentary" on "pop culture" via you "disapproving" of it.
3) from a song that only "cool" people like you will know about--something "underground" but not too underground because if nobody gets its from a song they may think you actually mean what you wrote and you never want people to think that about anything.

some examples: 
"(insert name) wants to ride on your Disco Stick." this is from a Lady Gaga song--this status is acceptable, assuming the person is not a Lady Gaga fan and is therefore being facetious. 

"(insert name) let the dogs out!" i just LOLd writing this. brilliant.

"(insert name) had a Hard Day's Night" quoting the Beatles is never acceptable. Beatles lyrics are to FB Statuses what Chanel is to fashion--tired, unoriginal, cliche. forget them. they're over. 

"(insert name) is almost sleeping the night is getting colder there is static on the tv and she's lying on the sofa the cats crawl over her." dont quote Bright Eyes lyrics unless you are depressed. 

mmm
some people take him very seriously and if they see that you have friends, etc and post his shit they'll de-friend you. (a happy person quoting Bright Eyes is bad in the same way it was bad when Tyra Banks wore a fat suit for one day then talked about the "hardships of being fat" on her talk show).


3) The "Interesting Links" Approach.
this is when someone posts the link to another website in their Facebook Status. this is a smart approach because you can show people that you "know about cool shit" via posting links to "Cool Sites."

extra points if you can post a link to a very hip & funny blog that you have written yourself ;-)

4) The "Things People Have Said" aka "Quotes" Approach.
this is when someone writes what someone else has said in their Facebook Status. people usually quote famous people but that's stupid--its always better to quote people you know--this way people will 1) think you have friends and 

friendz
2) not hold you accountable for the content in the quote if it is deemed "uncool."

"have you ever visited Iran and then realized you were just smelling your own armpit?" -(Matt Sabato)

quoting your friends is especially good if they're talking about you--you can use what they said about you to promote your image.

"Dont worry about breast cancer--these days its NO BIG DEAL--all they do is chop your boobs off and you become Tea Hacic-Vlahovic." -(Matt Sabato)
 
"thank GOD im not straight and you're not my girlfriend." -(Matt Sabato)

etc.

5) The Zachary Smith Approach.
Zachary Smith is to Facebook Statuses what I am to blogging: original, innovative, brilliant. in the world of Facebook Statuses Zachary is King and we should all try to aspire to him. 

this is Zachary's Facebook Profile Picture.

this is Zachary Smith.

what Zach has done is created a whole new approach to Facebook Statuses--he combines humor, satire, irony and brutal honesty in such a way that the end result is nothing short of art.

Zach's Latest Statuses, Starting From Oldest To Most Recent:

"have you heard that zach is coming to TacTues tonite? i dunno if it's just a rumor but i better go just to make sure." -- excerpt from a conversation you just had/are going to have

this was the first of This Type Of Facebook Status i had ever seen--i had to re-read it several times to truly savor & appreciate its levels of brilliance. Zach first brings up the fact that he's going to Taco Tuesday (the Hippest Event in Boone), 


which supports his "hipster image." then he tells you that you are going to talk about him going there, which could be taken for arrogance, but the thing is that you probably did talk about Zach going to Taco Tuesday so in his case this shows humility.

"what time is zach going to TacTues tonight?" "i don't know, i think he goes twice" "we better just get there early and stay all night then" -- convo i just heard a couple girls having

another "spin" on the previous Status--never gets old.

"What We Talk About When We Talk About Zach."

here Zach has taken the saying "What We Talk About When We Talk About Food" and replaced the word "Food" with the word "Zach." im not sure where this "saying" is from but im pretty sure it's something Pop-Culture related so not only is Zach showing that he is "aware of Pop Culture" (something i'm always stressing the importance of) but that he's clever enough to always always ALWAYS make everything about him. 

"i wish zach would wear a white v-neck more often" -- excerpt from a thought that just crossed yr mind

here Zach is again using his fail-proof "Youre Talking About Me" approach to show his good taste in fashion. through this status he is telling us that he wears and is aware of the "classic cool" that is a White V-Neck. 

some people may think he's "joking" here but the thing is i DO wish Zach wore white v-necks more often and i think about it all the time.

"Zachary Smith just changed his twitter status." 

here Zach has incorporated his Twitter Personality into his Facebook Personality which helps promote his Overall Online Personality. 

if you follow Zach on twitter, (@Zachthat), you'll know that at that VERY MOMENT he actually also changed his TWITTER status to say "Zachthat just changed his facebook status." 

"what does zach even DO on saturday nights?" "don't get your hopes up, girl. his twitter says he's wearing his burberry shirt tonight." "you're right. wherever he's going, we won't even be able to get through the door." -- excerpt from a convo i just saw in my crystal ball between 2 homely gurls

again Zach has brought his Twitter Self and Facebook Self together, which shows he isnt afraid of "breaking rules/boundaries." Zach also mentions his Burberry shirt, 


which shows, again, that he is fashionable via having a Burberry shirt because Burberry is fashionable. 

finally, Zach tells you he's "cool" by suggesting two "homely gurls" cant go where he's going--and if you know Zach you'll know that's true because he only hangs out with Beautiful Boys.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

drastic times

living in Milan aka Gay Capitol Of The World can really get a girl down. (not in the good way).

=
here are some tips on how to meet guys in those [desperate] months leading up to the next Mens Fashion Week:

1) use public transportation.
this is the best way to meet guys because the hottest guys are poor.

the other day i was riding home on Tram 9 and there was this adorable boy sitting across from me with a PUPPY IN HIS LAP (!)

we made eye contact for like, 15 minutes so i was sure he was "the one." then all of a sudden like, 50 people got on the tram, stood between me and the LOML (Love Of My Life) and when they got off he was gone!!!! :-(

i was sad at first but then i realized that i shouldnt expect any guy on Tram 9 (safest, lamest tram in Milan) to sit next to me/follow me home. i realized if i want to meet "aggressive" guys i need to start taking Bus 91 which is notorious for being "Milans Most Dangerous Bus" via girls getting harassed on it. welcome to my new dating service.

2) hang out in the bathroom.
i only go to clubs for the bathrooms. thats where all the "shit goes down." (LOL). plus youll be near a mirror at all times.

bathroom.
bathroom.
bathroom.
bathroom.
bathroom.
bathroom.
bathroom.
bathroom!!!!
bathroom :-)

3) be open-minded.
dont limit yourself to a 'type.' just because Pete Doherty is my Ideal Man doesnt mean i should only peruse sickly drug addicts.

there are sooo many other types to choose from...



and "beggars cant be choosers"-William Shakespeare.

4) join a cult.
this past Monday i saw some cute guys passing out flyers about Marxism in front of my school.

when they approached me i told them that i "looooove communism" and willingly gave them my name and number. i was hoping THEY would call me but instead some stupid woman kept calling and asking when i can "come to a meeting." . . .

ive been blowing her off and thought she had "gotten the hint" but last night she sent me a message telling me that its "ok if i cant come to a meeting" because they can just "wait outside for me after class next week" because they "already know my schedule." (!!!!)
(thats normal, right)?

anyway at first i was worried about accidentally [willingly] joining some kind of cult but i figured, hey, if those guys are there its worth it, right?

because if theres one thing ive learned here its that sometimes "drastic times call for drastic measures" -Albert Einstein.