Thursday, December 31, 2009

A woman who doesn't wear Cologne...

I just did something Out of Character


Perhaps via the Spirit of the New Year and My Hangover... 


But I'm wearing Men's Cologne. 


This Black Polo Ralph Lauren Cologne I found in my Dad's Bathroom Drawer. I tried it on and immediately packed it into my suitcase. He doesn't need it anyway--Croatian Dads should only wear Alcohol.


I'm surprised I hadn't thought of this before.

THE PERKS OF MEN'S COLOGNE 2010:

1) Excitement.
You'll always smell a "Hot Guy" around you...


only the "Hot Guy" will be YOU! 


2) Envy.


Every time you go out with a guy, he'll smell OTHER GUYS on you which will drive him INSANELY jealous and therefore crazy about you.


3) "Innocence."


If you actually DO go out with other guys, aka "Cheat," you'll always have the scent of YOUR men's cologne to fall back on as an excuse for "smelling like another guy."


4) Friendship.
Girls will be attracted to you, which is great. 

Because Girls Should Stick Together.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

FUN 101

New Years Eve is tomorrow and yall know what that means.
The pressure to HAVE FUN.


New Years Eve is the "Biggest Party Of The Year" next to my Birthday so people always expect to have a "TON of FUN."


The problem is they usually don't and Here's Why:

Because New Years Eve is such a BIG NIGHT people have HUGE EXPECTATIONS for it. And whenever someone has HUGE EXPECTATIONS for something (vacations, shoes, boyfriends) they're always disappointed. If a boy can Let You Down by "moving back in with his Ex-Girlfriend" a New Years Eve party can just as easily Let You Down by "being totally LAME."

This New Years Eve I'm DETERMINED to have a great time and that's why I've devised a list of "Tricks" to ensure I'm gonna have fun NO MATTER WHAT.

HOW TO HAVE FUN NEW YEARS 2009/2010

1) Dress to Kill.


Looking Hot will make other people at the party jealous and there's nothing more fun than that.

2) Set a Goal For the Night.
Having goals gives things a "Purpose." For example, the goal of "having money" gives a purpose to "having a job" or "being nice to your parents".

By setting goals for a party, you'll give it a purpose and you'll Have Fun via Working Towards These Goals. (Note: for this to work the goals themselves have to be fun). EXAMPLES:

Goal: Break in your new shoes.


Goal: Rearrange the Host's silverware/furniture. (This only applies to HAUS PARTIES).


Goal: Steal something expensive.


Goal: Convince your Ex-Boyfriend you're dating someone MUCH TALLER than him.


Goal: Convince your Ex-Boyfriend's Current Girlfriend that her Boyfriend "has an STD."


Goal: Kiss your Ex-Boyfriend in the bathroom. 


Goal: Lock your Ex-Boyfriend out of the bathroom.


Goal: Remain alone in bathroom (with bottle of Champagne). Press ear against bathroom door and listen to what's going on outside.


3) LIE.
Most people are HELLA boring so having to "talk" to them at a party can totally ruin your buzz. The only way to "spice up" Boring Party Conversations is via Lying Your Pants Off.

Lie: "I'm from Siberia." 


This is a good way to "get guys" because they LOVE "exotic" women.

Lie: "I work for Karl Lagerfeld."


This is a good way to Impress Europeans. Americans don't know who Karl Lagerfeld is so tell them you work for Wal-Mart.

Lie: "My Friend/Relative/Boyfriend/Dog has a Terminal Illness."


This is a good way to get sympathy and more alcohol!

3) Turn the Party into a Competition.
Competition is fun (via games, sports, etc). So turn your NYE party into a competition. 

Competition ideas: 

Who can Kiss the most Boyfriends (of other girls).


Who can go the longest without "breaking the seal" (via peeing).


Who can convince more people of more lies about themselves.


Who can "Burn the most bridges" (lose the most friends).


Note: Solo Competitions (Competitions With Yourself) also count.

4) GET TRASHED.


Sunday, December 27, 2009

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS

I hate New Years Eve 


but I LOVE "New Years Resolutions." 

'improving myself'

I'm a big fan of setting "Personal Goals." Especially when they're too high via superficial physical ideals that "nobody can live up to."


There's nothing healthier than telling yourself you "Aren't Good Enough" and giving yourself a set of "rules" aka "resolutions" that you know you can't keep. I think 2010 will be a great year for resolutions. I think that certain Pop Culture Phenomenon of 2009 have inspired people to be BETTER in 2010.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS-2010

1) Devote my life to Post Modern Performance Art.


I am a Girl.
I am Post Modern.
(I AM Female Post Modernism).


I am a Performance Artist. 
(I AM Performance Art).
I am a Post Modern Performance Artist. 
(I AM Post Modern Performance Art).
MY LIFE IS POST MODERN PERFORMANCE ART. 


My life. 

2) Devote my life to Neo-Classicism.


Because Post Modernism's over.

3) Lose 15 pounds.


via "diet" 


and "exercise."


4) Devote more time to my "Hobbies."







5) Find a Job.

My name is Tea.
I work in Fashion.

6) Make new "Friends."


7) Improve my "Image."


Your Image is Important. 
It represents WHO YOU ARE.

8) Improve my "Love Life."


8) Start a band.
All I really want in life is FAME. 




I need as many outlets as possible.

9) Clean my room/be more "organized."



10) Read More.
I want to start reading "Books Without Pictures."


So that in 2010 I can blog about deep, Philosophical shit.


PS- What are yall wearing on New Years Eve? I got this Velvet Betsey Johnson dress in DC this week,


and it makes my ass look HUGE via it being velvet but I figure I can lose a few more pounds by Thursday right? Anyway I'll keep yall posted.