Tuesday, July 27, 2010


I'm tired so lets get to the point:
(thats what she said)

1) Packing
40 pairs of shoes

into one carry-on.

2) Crying

3) X-Ray Security

Wearing my special panties just for the occasion ;-)



5) Cosmo

Wanna know "what men think while we do it"

6) Pilots

could you lead me to the lavatory sir im totally lost


Suck it, Italy. 

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Do the Jane Fonda

I try to make the most of my Time In America.

I stock up on Midol and other products unavailable in Italy.

I also catch up on American Pop Culture via Milan being 10 years behind.

This August I want to take advantage of another Typical American Phenomenon: THE GYM.

That's right, yall. The girl who Failed High School Physical Education is getting a Gym Membership this August. 

I, however, wont be "excercising" -- I don't subject myself to "sweat."

hate you madonna

Everyone knows excercise is pointless & the only way to lose weight is to starve.


1) Men
Hot men with Muscles who "take care of themselves."

I'm over "artistic types" with cliche drug problems.

(Steroids are the new Heroin)

2) Spandex
The best Fabric next to Latex. The Gym is great excuse to wear it.

3) Exibitionism
The Gym is the only public place where you can dress like this without getting Hate-Crimed.

Locker rooms are co-ed, right?


5) Friendship
Join some Gym Class and meet people easily!

It's easier to approach people when they're wearing terrible outfits and you'll know that if they're interested it's not because of your shoes ;-)

Monday, July 19, 2010

Summer School

Hey yall! Sorry I've been M.I.A but lots has been going on. 

This month I went to Sicily, 

got a New Job 

and have been spending the rest of my time devising a plan on how to meet Lady Gaga. 

Things have been moving so fast I hardly realized I'm going to America in a week!

I'm excited to go to America and see my Family and Waffle House.

But I'm also stressing out because this trip wont really be a vacation; I have to spend it preparing for my September Exams. 

I feel kinda bad for myself via not getting a Real Vacation but I'll try to make the most of it and help those of yall who also put off your school work for the last minute and must spend your Summer Studying. 


1) Out of Sight, Out of Mind
Forget your friends. They're worthless and will only distract you.

The other day I had a Great Conversation with a Great Man who said that "If [I am] to waste any time with any friend that friend should at LEAST be a Prince."

You know what I mean?

2) Stay Focused
Remind yourself of your Goals and why it's important to reach them.

To motivate myself I will keep a picture of an Italian Prison nearby; To remind myself that if I fail school I will lose my Visa and become an Illegal Resident.

3) Reward Yourself
Packing a years worth of Schoolwork into one month can be challenging; reward your daily accomplishments with little breaks and treats.

"Ok, Tea, for each 10 drawings you do you can have 1 Diet Coke and for each dress you make you can watch 1 Amber Rose Video."

4) Have a Support Group
Weight Watchers works because a group of people judge your progress and make you feel like a failure if you dont reach your goals. 

The same thing goes for Studying. Tell your mother/boyfriend/neighbor to make you feel bad about yourself if you're slacking; This can be done via physical, emotional or mental abuse; pick whatever is right for you and stick with it.

5) Stay Positive!
Spending your Summer Vacay locked up inside can be pretty devastating, especially when everyone else is "having fun."

Just remember that you're Doing The Right Thing.

Your hard work will pay off,

And, most importantly, you won't get a Tan.

Good luck to all of yall; I'll see you in America!

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Beat the Heat for AMERICA

The 4th of July is here and my lil' Americans will be Celebrating.

I can't be there this time but I hope I can help yall Party In Style while I'm heat-stroking in Milan...


1) Show Your Strength!
This summer Fashion is all about SUFFERING. If you aren't sweating, bleeding, crying or fainting, you aren't trying hard enough.

Show America some respect and leave your gym shorts at home.

2) Skip the Sandals.

Sandals are gross via Feet being gross.
And you'll probably be at some "outdoor party" which means you'll be exposed to "grass."

So wear boots and stay protected from All-Things-Nature.

4) Choose the Right Colors.

Black is key, especially in the summer. You'll stand out from the Pastel-Wearing-Crowd and sweat some extra weight off. 

It's a win-win situation.

5) Represent.
Your "American Flag Shout Outs" should be reserved for makeup and accessories. 

Don't base your outfit on it unless you really know what you're doing. 

6) Take it easy on the hot dogs.

It's Europe's turn to be the Fat Ones.