Wednesday, October 27, 2010

THE DESERTERS

Deserting the army, your family & your dog are all punishable by law [death]. So what's the punishment is for leaving a desperate girl alone in Milan?

This summer I've already had two of my best friends leave me for "better opportunities" and tomorrow I'm losing a third. It's unacceptable & unfair & I want everyone to know about it (shame them back to me).

OFFENDER #1: NOAMY HENRIQUEZ AKA "NONO"




Nationality: El Salvadorian
Description: Killer style & killer moves
Best Known For: Destroying the dance floor, snapping her fingers
Current Location: California
Purpose: "School & Work" aka Gang Life

OFFENDER #2 YULIA ZINSHTEIN




Nationality: Russian
Description: Lipstick, caviar & vodka enthusiest
Best Known For: Holding her liquor
Current Location: Paris
Purpose: "School"aka Shopping

OFFENDER #3 CYNTHIA GUZMAN TAMARES




Nationality: Domenican
Description: Thinks its the 70s
Best Known For: Her lips, her platforms & her tweets
Current Location: Dominican Republic (as of tomorrow)
Purpose: Unknown; probably drug-related

This is all hitting me hard; these girls have really "shaped my life" here.


Those bitchez

Pre-Halloween Diet

Halloween is almost here & I'm prepping every way I can:

PAINTING NAIL$ BLACK,


"EuPhidra" Nail Polish I got yesterday at the Pharmacy-(went in for Tampons, left with cosmetics; happens every time)

BLEACHING SKIN


Via this powder I got yesterday, (also at the pharmacy) the WHITEST they had available: "01 Stay Buff"-wanna look like Marilyn Manson circa 2000


DIETING

Halloween is a great excuse to starve yourself.

All the good costumes involve nudity & spandex so unless you're in shape you'll look like crap & your holiday will be ruined! (Not to mention all the pictures taken of you will haunt you forever).

Dieting pre-Halloween is just as essential as picking the right costume.

Here's how it's done:

PRE HALLOWEEN DIET 2010

Breakfast: A handful of candy corn


Lunch: 1 "Fun-Sized" Candy


(You're saving for Trick-or-Treaters)



Dinner: One Halloween Cocktail





You'll be in tip-top shape in no time & ready for whatever cliche costume you picked ;)

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

officer & a lady (part deux)

Do yall remember my lovely Police Men in Via C. Poma?


They help me get my [Illegal] Residency despite my constant lack of documents & missing passport. (Think I left it in Paris).



Yesterday I had to get my Permit to Stay renewed again and as usual I showed up without any paperwork, with pictures from 1999 and questions regarding my own birth date. (I can't possibly be turning 23, my skin is so smooth!)


But I'm used to this Bureaucracy by now, and have learned that all you really need is a smile, a wink & a party dress.


This time I had a new officer and he was even nicer than the others; he took my fingerprints (held my hand) and asked for my phone number so he could "let me know personally" when my "next appointment" is.



Apparently in order for him to tell me this we need to meet in person, today, for "coffee." (What should I wear)?


I'll tell yall how it goes, if you don't hear about it first.

"THIS JUST IN: [BEAUTIFUL] FOREIGN GIRL GETS DEPORTED & OFFICER LOSES JOB, FAMILY."

Monday, October 25, 2010

like riding a bike

Some things you forget if you don't practice-like simple multiplication or how to boil water.


And some things you can't forget; like "riding a bike" (I wouldn't know) or "beer before liquor, never been sicker."


I always thought "walking" was one of those things but today I found out otherwise.

For over a year I've worn nothing but heels; it's done terrors to my feet (my bones are growing the wrong way and I have no feeling in my toes)


but wonders for my Self-Esteem.


I vowed never again be seen in flats, and have kept that up for a while. But, like in "monogamy," there are exceptions to everything.


Like when last night I went to sleep in Milan and woke up in the Rain Forest- rain coming from all sides-like in Forrest Gump.



I couldn't bear to see what it would do to my precious suede pumps or my leather platforms; my fuzzy leopard print slingbacks or my strappy sandals.


I decided to "take one for the team" today and finally lace up my only pair of flats-my [unworn] 20-eye, Patent Leather Dr. Martens (better suited for a Neo-Nazi-Queen than Moi (Wannabe-Amber Rose),  but still totally gorgeous).



So I put them on; added a leather jacket & didn't wash my hair (adding to "the look"). And at first, I felt great. I thought "Huh-I don't feel like chewing my own legs off & I can stand up straight!"



"I look Cool & Powerful & people will respect me!"



And then I started walking.


I could FEEL the street (disgusting) and I had to LIFT my legs up (exhausting!!). My usual "strut" seemed like a waddle and my legs turned into jelly. I was un-elegant, sloppy and boyish. I tripped, I stumbled, I fell. I looked drunk & brain damaged (& not in the good way).


And the worst part? Nobody was checking me out!!! Or even looking at me! And yall know how I feel about that.



I'm putting away these boots, and saving them for 2012. Till then, sorry Body, you just can't win them all.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

postpostmodern halloween

Hey yall! Can't believe it's already been a year since I went as "Venus in Furs" last Halloween.

short hair dont care

I had just gotten my First Fur Coat & had no ideas so I decided to go as a "concept" rather than a "person/place/thing." Only one person guessed what I was the whole night and that person was my reflection in the mirror.

This year I wanna do it right. This year I'm looking to Relevant Pop Culture Phenomenon for costume ideas:

1) Xtina's Failed Marriage


we're over

XTina & her fugly husband are finally getting divorced after years of marriage. Xtina always bragged about how great her marriage was via the "Naked Sundays" Her & Her Husband would have, so to go as her Divorce for Halloween you just need a Naked couple, the Sunday Times & Prenuptial Papers.


2) Kanye West's Tweets



You just need a sharpie, an attitude & illiteracy.



3) Lady Gaga's Boyfriend


This requies a week-prep of not showering

4) Trapped Miner




Tell your friends you can't go out, its the only way this costume works.

5) Free Miner




"Get Rescued" last minute (only losers stay home on Halloween) & find your friends at the afterparty. Bring plenty of coal & pee your pants.

5) Anna Dello Russo's Dog


(the one on the right)

6) Post-Postmodernism 




Italian Gangster$


6) Yourself


See yall on Halloween!!!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

dead

Last night Someone told me I should "let this blog die" via me not posting for ~2 weeks.

It really got to me; I had to call my mom & have her calm me down. Didn't know if I would make it.

Then this morning I saw the new Rihanna Video, and figured, eh, if she can keep going (competing w/Lady Gaga) then so can I.



So I say F all of yall. Haters make me stronger (via Britney) & I promise epic posts very soon.


Love yall xoxoxo

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Wishes do Come Trew

Yall are lucky tonight because I shouldn't be blogging. I should be in school. I should be in Milan.

But I'm not. I'm still in Paris. On Yulia's Kitchen Floor.


Why? Well. Because I'm an idiot.

After a beautiful week of shopping,


sight-seeing,


wining,


dining,



dancing,





girl-meeting


& boy-meeting,




Met this one on chatroulette.


I thought I was ready to get back to Milan.


So: Packed before midnight, in bed before 2, up at 6:45. Showered, Dressed, Ready. Say goodbye to Yulia, get to the bus on time, and have my Fresh copy of French Vogue ready for the flight ahead.


I make it to the airport with a comfortable 2 hours before my flight, giving me enough time to check-in, go through security, (love the body searches), find my gate and still have time for coffee before boarding.


But when I look at the monitors to see where I check in, I notice something strange; my flight number doesn't seem to be there! "Huh," I think. "Those silly French must have made a mistake." *rolls eyes*

I decide to tell the nearest (cutest) Airline Employee of their errors & hope I can get some kind of discount for my trouble.


He looks at my ticket, looks at me, looks at my ticket...

"Mademoiselle?" 


"Yes?" *bats eyelashes*


"You're in the wrong airport."


Turns out I'm a "40-minute-taxi-ride" away from the airport I should be at (who knew France had more than one?!) and I have ~50 minutes before check-in closes!

I run out to where the taxis are and grab the nearest (cutest) driver. Tell him of my situation & beg him to drive as fast as possible, "whatever the cost."


"I will make it. I have to! I didn't go out last night because of this stupid flight!"

The ride takes ~ 55 minutes, and, "Whatever the cost" means a whopping 90 euros. (Imagine the shoes I could have bought).


(my nails don't look like that)

I run into the airport, afraid to check the time and see that I literally missed check-in by TEN minutes. (Ten extra minutes I spent applying my eyeliner this morning).



I beg and plead with the woman at the counter; I cry; I tell her how I will miss class; I tell her how I will miss work; I tell her about the amazing party I missed last night so I could wake up in time for this.

"PLEASE, LADY, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! THERE WERE SO MANY CUTE BOYS IN LINE AND WE LITERALLY WENT RIGHT PAST THEM!"

"No." (Non).

Have to buy another ticket. No more flights available today. Woke up for no reason. Damnit! 

When I get back to Yulia's apartment I see that, while I was gone, she had written me this on Facebook:


Be careful what you wish for.