Friday, December 31, 2010

STUDY PLAN 2010/11

Lots of us have exams coming and I'm here to help yall study via my
COMPREHENSIVE STUDY PLAN:

1) PREPARE
-Wake up early, make yourself coffee.


-Watch some TV (you need to "clear your mind")
-Clean your house (so you have "thinking space").
-First the kitchen-wash your dishes, scrub the counters, clean your fridge.
-Clean your bathroom- toilet, sink and shower.
-Mop your entire floor and under every surface.



-Organize your closet. (By color, season and brand).


-Wash all of your dirty clothes and throw out ones you dont wear.
-While waiting for your clothes to wash and dry, organize your shoes.
-Iron your dry clothes.
-Try new outfit combinations.
-Post outfit ideas on tumblr.



2) ANNOUNCE
-Tell your friends not to bother you because you need to study.


-Call all of your friends to warn them not to call you.
-Those of your friends you can't reach by phone should be reached via facebook, twitter or skype.
-Update all your social networking sites to inform other friends/followers.


-Call your ex-boyfriends.


(ALL OF THEM)


-Tell them you're sorry about everything.
-Tell them you're not sorry and it's all their fault.
-Tell them you slept with their brother.
-Deny it.
-Tell them you want them back.
-Tell them they were bad in bed.
-Deny it.
-Ask for your old stuff back.
-Tell them you are studying and to leave you alone!



3) SIMPLIFY
-Take time to think about what you have to do before you actually do it.
-Write a list of things you must accomplish.
-Write a seperate list of what order, what time and with what you'll do this.



-Turn the list into an excel document
-Connect the document to your calendar and blackberry.
-(Go buy a blackberry if you dont have one)
-Make the list into a JPG (using illustrator or photoshop)
-Turn it into your desktop background and Facebook Profile picture.

3) RETIRE
-Notice you are exhausted.
-Go to sleep so you have more energy to study tomorrow.

NYE SHOES

Those of yall who are going out tonight should first read my NYE Fashion tips via Cosebelle 

Party-ready shoes that won't make you look desperate.






































Hope you all have fun and dont get too wasted, I'm staying in but tomorrow we can meet for coffee on your Walk of Shame

Thursday, December 30, 2010

VIP NYE

Unlike Christmas, for which I feel nothing, New Years Eve affects me mentally, physically and emotionally. Via Stress.



Friends are asking annoying questions in hopes of picking The Right Party and ordering enough drugs. 


Girls are preparing via buying condoms and Boys are buying shoes (remember this is Milan).


Excitement and desperation fill the air as people get ready to have the "best night of the year."



And thank god I'm not involved.

For someone who parties 6 days a week it only makes sense to spend NYE alone at home, watching "The Simple Life" and skype-ing my Mother at midnight.


I'd ask you to join me, but I don't want you to.

Happy New Year.

mountain dew

Today I tried on a coat and asked my friend's opinion. Disgusted, she said I look like "one of those people who go to the mountains."


I couldn't take it off fast enough.


Anytime someone invites me to their Mountain Home or tells me about their Ski Trip I want to vomit.



My first two years of college were spent in the mountains of  North Carolina where I was subjected to wind (dry skin), snow (pants) and ice (flat shoes).


I can't imagine why anybody would go to the mountains unless they are:

1) dating a [hot, rich, professional] snowboarder


2) exiled from their country via Evil Dictator


3) operating a Meth Lab

staying in, part deux

"We're cool."
"SO cool."
"We're hot"
"The Hottest."
"In Milan."
"Yeah."
"That's why we're alone."

cinderella, cinderella

My friends are wondering what I've been doing lately via not clubbing.
Here's my answer:



SLAVERY


Wednesday, December 29, 2010

staying in is the new going out

I'm back from my Croatian Food & Sleep Binge.



I was planning to start partying (losing weight) again.

But then I was told my "face looks better" and that I dont seem "as tortured" anymore and it made me second-guess myself (Beauty Comes First).

So I've been Stayin In to "study."

So I've had time to organize my closet, learn about French Cuisine and Violence Against Men.



(Thanks, Sarah)

Let's see how long this can last before the Night Comes Calling again.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Resolutionx 2011

With Xmas gone (thank god) there's only one thing on people's minds:
New Year's Resolutions.

A years worth of failure, insecurity and self-loathing built up to one day when you decide to END IT ALL and become a Better Person.

A Post-Devil Anne Hathaway




A Post-Richard Julia Roberts




A Post-Drugs Amy Winehouse






NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS 2011

1) IMPROVE BODY
Via painting my nails every day

 via GIVE GOOD HAND



2) IMPROVE MIND
Via reading Mens Magazines.


I got this issue of GQ in the airport yesterday via Rihanna on the cover. Was planning on just reading her interview (looking at the pictures) but on the way I learned about cars, investing, erectile disfunction and porn! (Can't get that from Cosmo).


3) IMPROVE HEALTH
Via losing 20 kilos



I'm on a month-long liquid diet. Anyone who offers me food will be blacklisted.


4) IMPROVE SPIRIT
Via having More Fun




If you're having trouble coming up with Resolutions, ask your friends to make a list of things they hate about you.


Read the list out loud every day until New Years. By then you'll think of something ;)

Thursday, December 23, 2010

How Tea Stole Christmas

I just realized that as of Now all stores here are closed and will be until Monday.



















I go back to Milan on Sunday and haven't bought anyone shit but a few bags of old candy and racist comic books.



ITS THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS, RIGHT?





















Here are some sweet treats to get you in the [Forgiving] Xmas Mood

















Sorry Guys

Bambi Molesters

These guys are playing tonight in Sisak's Squat



Why is this town so much cooler than Milan

EMERGENCY THINSPIRATION: XMAS EDITION

Winter Holidays are known for many things, like Family, Presents and WEIGHT GAIN.


















I've been lucky enough to spend most Holidays with my parents in North Carolina who have never compromised My Figure via only serving Soymilk & Salad, via being Vegetarians & Whole Foods fanatics.


















But this time it's different.

This time I'm in Croatia where beer & butter rule and I'm surrounded by Bad Influences.

burek





Kids here bring this to bars

cevapi





and tomorrow my Grandmother is making these:

knedle






After 3 days here I'm already seeing and feeling a difference (American Apparel leotards aren't forgiving)

~festive~




















and I haven't even experienced the worst part [Christmas Dinner] yet! I'm panicking and fearing for my [social] life and need to stop before this it's too late.

























For those of yall on my same [plus sized] boat, I've put together a list of Holiday Themed Thinspiration to keep you focused until the New Year.



EMERGENCY XMAS THINSPIRATION 2010:



1) Mariah Carey circa 1990s
Pre-Pregnancy, Pre-Nick Cannon




2) Charlie Brown's Tree
Tiny, Frail & Broken (like your self-esteem)




3) The Black Swan 
Nothing can make you turn down grandma's cake like Natalie Portman in underwear




4) Jack Frost
For my Gays-you wanna look like Him (transparent!) or Frosty the Snowman?



(Ignore the girl)


5) This

Suffering is Beauty is Suffering



***MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY***

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Trend Warning: Shrinking Bags!

Attention everyone, I'm taking a quick break from eating Croatian Childrends Food






















to bring you an Important Message:

RESIST THE UNDERSIZED BAG TREND!

I've been seeing them everywhere-these tiny, worthless accessories.

Armani
DKNY


























Lanvin

Givenchy



Fendi





























Bulgari
Girls, I understand The Appeal. These bags are tempting. They look like so much fun and Everyone Is Doing It! 

But sometimes Trend turns to Tragedy and these bags are an example. You won't realize until it's too late that they will slowly ruin your life...

First you will buy one bag but one won't be enough-and each one will get smaller and smaller. 

You will start to make daily sacrifices for these bags-First you'll stop to carry your laptop, causing you to fail school and lose your job.

Then you'll abandon makeup and hair products, ruining your image. 

You will have no room for your keys, rendering your homeless.

You'll stop bringing your phone and will lose all your friends (what's left of them). 

You'll have no room for your money or even your tampons. 

It will just be You and The Bag against the world until you're out on the streets with NOTHING.

You will bring shame and regret upon your family. 

Even your cat will be forced to leave you.

~JUST SAY NO~

When buying a Bag, remember Marry Poppins





and leave the Small Stuff to clutches.


Sunday, December 19, 2010

Holiday in Siberia

Tomorrow will be a Sad Day In Milan.

The clubs will close early, the Duomo will crumble and Anna Dello Russo will wear pants.



























Because tomorrow I'm leaving for Croatia.











Gotta celebrate my Birthday ~In Style~








and catch up with family, bartenders and my Grandmother's cats.

every day we huslin






































My only problem is what to pack. Croatian winters are harsh. 




You can only survive via wearing Pants + Boots (via me circa 2007)




















But now I've only got mesh + fur (via me Post-Life-In-Milan--Yall know how I feel about Winter Wardrobes).













I have no time to buy "winter clothes" and even if I did I wouldn't.

So I'm thinking positive.

I'm sure all that shivering in the cold will burn a lot of calories or maybe I'll get used to it and stay.