Sunday, January 30, 2011

emergency etiquette

Good News: My high heels aren't to blame for my leg problems.

Bad News: I've already burned them all and declared the End of Fashion.

Today I went to the hospital to get a "second opinion" on this knee issue I've been having. The doctor said he "wasn't sure" what's wrong (Italian Healthcare) but that it's a "miracle" I've been walking (it was Men's Fashion Week, I would have crawled). 

He ordered an X-Ray for Monday and injected 3 horrid shots of something right into my knee to "ease the swelling" (make it 100 times worse). Then he sent me home with a perscription to pills I can't pronounce and directions I won't read.

On my limp home I reflected on the 5 glorious hours I spent in the waiting room, where I learned about myself and the world:


1) Cast Fetish
I am attracted to any man (or boy) with a broken limb. 

Even Freud would be disgusted. 

2) Nurse Fetish
It's Over. 

When I handed in my American documents and Nurse McDreamboat started using broken english from 90s Mtv I didn't tell him I speak Italian or that nobody says "wazzup" anymore. After questioning me with the charm of Bevis & Butthead he turns to his colleague:

(in Italian)
"This one says her knee's been swollen for a week but she didn't hurt it. She's lying or just stupid, what do you think?"
"I think I'll show her how to hurt her knees."

(to me, English)
"Doctor see you soon, we take good care." 
(pounds fist on chest, then peace sign)

I promptly made a phone call in Italian to make them feel like "figuri di merda".

3) Fake it (till you break it)
Patience is not a virtue.

As I was waiting silently (checking out Boy With Broken Arm), others were crying and throwing fits just to be seen faster (think Naomi Campbell circa her entire life). I sat back and thought how stupid they'll feel when they realize we're getting in based on numbers.

As I watched them all enter before me regardless of numbers (I was called in when I was the last person in the room) I promised myself next time would be different.

4) Getting In
Hospitals don't understand how to run their shit.
They should start using guest lists & door selection via nightclubs.

"I hear if you show up with an Axe in your head you can jump the queue" -Matthew Stone

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