Monday, February 21, 2011

The "F" Word

Those Close to Me know I've made some Important Lifestyle Changes this year; Changes I had to make in order to Pass My Exams and Avoid Untimely Death.

Though these Changes have made me a "better person," they've also made me Fat.



I know, I know-
I still "fit" into the same clothes and "look exactly the same" but you guys don't understand. My legs sometimes like, touch together now, I can't see my ribcage through my clothing and sitting on hard surfaces feels soft.

Though I'm suffering from a "Girl-Interrupted" kind of self-loathing, I don't want to fall into an abyss of substance abuse and/or anorexia [again], so I'm just trying to "Keep My [Double] Chin Up."

Here's how to deal with like, being Kind of Fat:

1) Makeup
More is More.

Wear so much that it draws attention away from any other part of your body. If that doesn't work, use your makeup to draw on muscle definition and protruding bones.

2) Clothing
Only wear synthetic stretchy fabric and never, ever wear belts (do you want to see how many less holes you're using? May as well watch the last scene of "Lost in Translation" over and over again until you drown in your own tears).

3) Footwear
Obviously only high heels will help.

Unfortunately I'm still suffering Premature Handicapped Knee Syndrome so they aren't an option.

(It is true that all terrible things happen to a person all at once at the worst time).

I'm just trying to not wear shoes, as that's an excuse to stay inside and not see anybody.

4) Attitude
Stay positive and remember that if you can lie to yourself, you've already won half of the battle.

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