Tuesday night in Milan, I'm in bed eating salad and looking at pictures of girls I used to go to high school with who got fat.
One of my roommates comes into my room and asks me to taste her pasta sauce. She's making it for her boyfriend, who's coming over for dinner.
I tell her it's "good" (what do I know). Then I hear "Lets Get It On" playing in the background and suddenly feel sick [jealous].
With Valentine's Day 2 weeks away I realize I need a boyfriend.
I realize I've gotten to know every boy in this godforsaken town and must turn to online dating.
I start putting up my info on sites until I realize you must pay (may as well be an escort service which actually isn't a bad idea).
I decide to do the free version here, which is great because most of my readers are gay.
CRUMPETS ONLINE DATING PROFILE:
Tea Hacic-Vlahovic, Age 19, Size 2
"Single Slavic Female Seeking Boyfriend for Valentine's Day, Memorial Day "
1. Forgiving [of myself when I cheat on you].
2. Trustworthy [with your passwords, bank account information and social security number].
3. Adventurous [with your friends].
4. Well-Read [via info on your ex-girlfriends].
1. Patient [when I enter a store just to look at myself in the full-length mirrors].
2. Supportive [of my eating disorder via never asking me to restaurants].
3. Honest [about your drug problem].
4. Generous [with your liquor].
SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY!!! SEE YOU VALENTINES DAY XXX