I have my headphones in (attached to non-existant iPod) and pretend not to hear him ask me if I speak Italian (wish I didn’t).
Dahmer: “Parli Italiano?”
(“Whats that SMELL?”)
Dahmer: “Scusa-Parli Italiano!”
(“He WILL go away.”)
~Pokes me in the arm~
("Tonight is the night I will die")
~Take out headphones (first mistake)~
Me: “Yes?”
Dahmer: “Parli Italiano?”
Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t speak Italian.”
Dahmer: “Where from you?”
Me: “Sweden.” (Second mistake-Swedish girls are to men what Valium is to menstruating women).
Dahmer: “Ou, che bella che sei.”
~Put headphones back in~
Dahmer: “Scusa!”
~Pokes me~
(“Remind yourself to burn this jacket.”)
Dahmer: “Sei una modella?”
(“Don’t mock me I’ve obviously gained 2 kilos.”)
~Bus arrives; he sits next to me; World Ends via bad smells and offensive gestures~
If yall wanna pick girls up at bus stops, at least do it in a Mercedes.
Rewind two weeks: Paris.
I’m sitting on a bench admiring my new cheap lingerie.
Approaching: well-built man (steroids), early 40s.
Steroids: “Hello!”
~Put bra back into bag~
Steroids: “Hello?”
~Standing over me; can smell his fake Chanel~
Steroids: “Where you from? Do you speak English?”
Me: “No.”
Steroids: “French?”
Me: “Russian.” (Mistake; Russian girls are to men what chocolate ice cream is to a dumped girl).
Steroids: [Speaks Russian]
Me: “…”
Steroids: “Do you work out?”
Me: “Obviously not.”
Steroids: “I teach a Pilates Class; I’d love for you to join me.”
Me: “I’m handicapped.”
Steroids: “Are you a model?”
Never ask a girl if she “works out.” You may as well tell her she’s fat.
hahaha familiar situations!
ReplyDeletekiss*darling
So...how were the morning afters?
ReplyDeleteunfortunate that even the creepy ones know multiple languages
ReplyDelete