Friday, February 11, 2011

The Pickup

Last night I was waiting for bus 59 in Naviglio Pavese [the Bronx of Milan] when a young gentleman [Serial Killer Jeffrey Dahmer] sits next to me.

I have my headphones in (attached to non-existant iPod) and pretend not to hear him ask me if I speak Italian (wish I didn’t).

Dahmer: “Parli Italiano?”

(“Whats that SMELL?”)

Dahmer: “Scusa-Parli Italiano!”

(“He WILL go away.”)

~Pokes me in the arm~

("Tonight is the night I will die")

~Take out headphones (first mistake)~

Me: “Yes?”

Dahmer: “Parli Italiano?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t speak Italian.”

Dahmer: “Where from you?”

Me: “Sweden.” (Second mistake-Swedish girls are to men what Valium is to menstruating women).

Dahmer: “Ou, che bella che sei.”

~Put headphones back in~

Dahmer: “Scusa!” 

~Pokes me~

(“Remind yourself to burn this jacket.”)

Dahmer: “Sei una modella?”

(“Don’t mock me I’ve obviously gained 2 kilos.”)

~Bus arrives; he sits next to me; World Ends via bad smells and offensive gestures~

If yall wanna pick girls up at bus stops, at least do it in a Mercedes.

Rewind two weeks: Paris.

I’m sitting on a bench admiring my new cheap lingerie.

Approaching: well-built man (steroids), early 40s.

Steroids: “Hello!”

~Put bra back into bag~

Steroids: “Hello?”

~Standing over me; can smell his fake Chanel~

Steroids: “Where you from? Do you speak English?”

Me: “No.”

Steroids: “French?”

Me: “Russian.” (Mistake; Russian girls are to men what chocolate ice cream is to a dumped girl).

Steroids: [Speaks Russian]

Me: “…”

Steroids: “Do you work out?”

Me: “Obviously not.”

Steroids: “I teach a Pilates Class; I’d love for you to join me.”

Me: “I’m handicapped.”

Steroids: “Are you a model?”

Never ask a girl if she “works out.”  You may as well tell her she’s fat.


  1. hahaha familiar situations!

  2. were the morning afters?

  3. unfortunate that even the creepy ones know multiple languages