Friday, February 25, 2011

pity party

Successful People know that the only way to get through life is via Self-Imposed Delusions.

"I will be famous one day."

"My exams are important."

"Lady Gaga made eye contact with me."

etc.

Sometimes, however, [tragic] reality overcomes you. 
Sometimes even 15 shots of pink vodka don't help.
Sometimes you leave a party crying hysterically [in front of everyone].



When you wake up with puffy eyes and suicidal tendencies, there's only one thing to do.

Most people suggest meeting with friends and doing something to "cheer yourself up."

I disagree.

I'm a firm believer in Self-Pity and think that if you're feeling like shit you should make a weekend of it.

Here's how to make the most of your self-loathing.

1) Film Therapy
Holocaust movies are the best in this case. 
Not only will they enhance your depression but they will make you feel like a shitty person for caring so much about YOUR problem when people out there are dying/being tortured, etc. (And then you'll feel like an even shittier person for secretly thinking your problem is worse). 



The Pianist is my favorite, as it also reminds me that I don't play the piano anymore and am therefore completely worthless.

2) Food Therapy
When youre feeling shitty you should only eat shitty foods to make yourself feel fat and therefore continue the Self-Pity-Cycle.


In situations like these I would suggest Taco Bell, but Milan is still in medieval times and only offers McDonalds.

3) Relationship Therapy
Ignore all your friends. Make them pissed at you for ditching them. You will feel worse than ever and will know that once you do get "back on your feet" you will be completely alone. 


4) Physical Therapy
Go out and do [self-destructive] stuff! Visit the Duomo and get refused entrance because you "look too slutty." Then spend all your money on something hideous and/or useless. Get a dress 2 sizes too small, (in hopes of "losing weight to fit into it"). Go to McDonald's and cry into your "Happy Meal."


At night go out and get trashed [by yourself] make desperate phone calls and lose all of your belongings.

5) Mental Therapy
I try to use my "brain" as little as possible but in situations like these it's important. You've got to have your thoughts straight, starting with blaming yourself. Whatever happened is YOUR FAULT.


Secondly you must remind yourself of why you're sad as often as possible; don't let yourself forget! Post reminders on your desktop and alarms on your cell phone. The idea is to cry until you have nothing left inside you.



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