Tuesday, March 29, 2011

face your fetish

Whether you express it online, with your boyfriend or during therapy, chances are you've got a fetish.

If you don't think you have one it's because you're only thinking of Foot Fetishes (gross) or Nurse Fetishes (cliche),


not realizing the other infinite possible ways to be creepy.

CRUMPETS FETISH GUIDE SPRING 2011


1) SKINHEADS
They're meaner than Mods, cleaner than Rude Boys, smarter than Punks and can iron a shirt faster than a 1950s housewife.



(Just make sure they're S.H.A.R.P so they don't hurt the racially ambiguous boy you're seeing on the side).



2) NECK TATTOOS
A guy getting a neck tattoo is the present-day equivalent of a caveman wrestling a mountain lion.



It implies that he's "tough" and can therefore "take care of you" aka "assemble your IKEA furniture."



3) CROOKED TEETH 
A crooked set of teeth implies bad healthcare, which implies childhood neglect, which implies coming from a "broken home," which implies having an "inferiority complex," which implies that he will do whatever you want.



4) FOREIGN ACCENTS
Foreign men are attractive because you can't understand half of the stupid shit they're saying.



By the time you realize they're losers you're already giving birth to Mafia Son in a Sicilian Villa.


5) CONSTRUCTION WORKERS



Too bad most of them are gay.



6) CHEWING GUM
I had a crush on this guy in elementary school because he was always chewing gum in class, which was totally against the rules. It's like the kid version of smoking.




7) TRENCH COATS
Guys in trench coats look like spies and spies are famous only for being seductive heavy drinking compulsive liars aka the perfect man.




8) RUSSIANS
When I worked at Les Hommes I would die anytime a Russian client came in, via them always buying the tackiest (most expensive) shit and making me feel like at any moment they'll take me to their yacht


where we'll drink vodka with Chess Champions and Beyonce.



9) UNIFORMS
Military,


Mechanic,


Medical,


McDonald's.



10) CATS
When a man has a cat it means he's in touch with his "sensitive" side aka is an annoying wussy you'll be forced to cheat on.


But it also means he doesn't have a dog and will therefore never make you play frisbee in a park.

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