When I heard my cousin got engaged I was excited.
And then I was scared.
I started to worry about the Responsibility I'd have as a Bridesmaid, and what I'd have to wear.
Fortunately, I learned I wasn't even chosen to be a Bridesmaid (via me bringing bad luck to weddings and relationships).
While most girls would feel rejection in this case, I feel gratitude. My cousin has saved me from the Fashion Disaster that is Bridesmaid Attire,
and released me from Their Obligation (standing up straight, not getting wasted).
As a Non-Bridesmaid, I'll have time to flirt with her Fiance's brothers
And help her plan the party.
Like me, my cousin is Croatian, and Croatian Weddings consist of Alcoholism, Criminal Activity and Sausage. But since hers is in America, we [I] must set some Ground Rules to avoid turning it into the pathetic ordeal that is an American Wedding.
CRUMPETS WEDDING GUIDE 2011
As much as possible.
Vodka for everyone and champagne for the Flower Girl.
If you find your New Husband doesn't drink his liquor straight go ahead and call the divorce lawyer (that's what you get for marrying an American).
Keep it simple.
Nothing says "Till Death Do Us Part" like Stale bread and Sauerkraut.
(Serve it in jars, that way your guests have a gift to take home/something to throw up in).
Classic Love Songs.
The rougher the better.
Show your guests you care by providing them with sleeping bags and directions to the nearest truck stop.
Stick to these guidelines and nobody will forget the Best Day Of Your Life.