Friday, March 4, 2011

How To Lose a Gu[t] in Ten Days

"Drinking makes you fat."

I always thought this was just a way to scare girls away from alcohol [fun].

I mean it's LIQUID, how does that make sense?

But lately I've been feeling fat (it's not PMS if it's 2 months) and eating as little as possible (the healthy way to lose weight) while replacing my Hunger with Fine Italian Wine.

And like, it's not working.

Ignorance IS bliss so I try to stay uninformed about politics, culture, current events, etc. But this morning I decided to do some research (google). I wanted to see if it's true what they say about alcohol, and what I saw shocked me.

Obviously I must stop drinking if I want to reach my Goal Weight by the summer.

The 2011 Crumpets Sober Girls Guide

Because Starvation is Easy; Sobriety isn't

1) Social Life

You will lose all of your friends.

You'll finally be sober enough to see how idiotic they are and you'll realize drinking is the only thing you had in common.

Find new friends via starting a tumblr and stalking your followers.

2) Love Life

I know girls who have never done anything sexual while sober.

These girls are smart.

Being drunk helps you feel attracted to 90% of the male race,

and "eases" you into unpleasant situations.

If girls didn't drink the human race would die off.

You drink yourself through a bad date, bad sex, bad relationship, marriage, and by the time you sober up it's because you're already pregnant.

Now you can avoid that trouble but you'll have another one.

Now you'll have to talk to men [boys] with a clear head so it will be difficult to pretend to laugh at their jokes.

I suggest meeting sober guys who won't try to pressure you into drinking [WEIGHT GAIN].

Go to your local bingo hall, or Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.

3) Health

You must start drinking water.

Water is disgusting and I gag whenever I'm near it (unless it's a shower; I'm not a Hippie).

Make water more bearable via vitamin-rich additives.

When you go out you can have a [healthy] fruit juice.

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