Thursday, March 31, 2011

liar, liar

Like Diet Coke and Pleather, Lying is essential to life.

We lie to ourselves, ("you're only bloated from your period"), our Doctors, ("I don't smoke"), our Professors, ("it's not 'skipping class,' it's Performance Art"), and our Dates :


Yulia reminded me how important this is. Let's review the basics.

DATE LYING 101

1) Age
Add on some years if your date is younger, 


and subtract them if he's older.


This makes the age difference more "inappropriate" and therefore hotter. 


2) Sexual History
I'm not suggesting to lie about your "number" (more power to you). Just don't tell him what you've done with his friends. And his roommates. And his brothers.



3) Ex-Boyfriends
Over dinner you should mention your ex-boyfriend buying you a car (lie), taking care of your sick dog (lie), and getting you VIP Gaga tickets (lie) to make your date feel insecure. But keep the part about him putting you in therapy (truth) and stalking you (truth) to yourself. (Your date will find that out on his own; your ex is waiting outside).



4) Work
Men only ask about your job to be polite, and they only want to hear one of three things:

1) Flight Attendant


2) Nurse


3) [Kindergarden] Teacher


Choose one and stick to it.


5) Education
Nobody cares about education so I doubt he'll even ask you. To be safe know the name of your nearest Cosmotology School.



6) Hobbies
You enjoy reading magazines and stretching.


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