Sunday, April 17, 2011

flyer's guide to the gAAlexy

Though I travel often, I rarely do it right. I either forget my passport, lose my luggage or miss my flight.

This time will be different.

This time I won't pack clothes, as to ensure my ability to spend two weeks on a sofa watching Lifetime Television and petting my cat.



Nor will I bring any work I have, as that would defeat the purpose of my trip aka to escape my responsibilities.

What I am bringing, however, is Travel Gear.

Traveling abroad is a long, tedious experience; you must prepare wisely unless you want to die of boredom or find yourself talking to the person seated next to you.



TRAVELING TIPS 2011 - WHAT TO BRING




1) Literature


I usually avoid reading, as it is boring and distracts me from Facebook. However different rules apply when flying (no wifi).

There are only so many Cosmo Sex Tips you can read during a 13 hour flight until you are forced into watching 7th Heaven on a tiny screen that's 50 yards away from you. That's why you need books.










2) Music


The only point to traveling is having an excuse to cry in public. Even if you're going on holiday you should always make a scene.

Pack your iPod full of depressing songs and think negative thoughts. As the plane takes off, contemplate the place you're leaving, who you will miss, everything you've ruined and all you have lost.





Consider never coming back.





Imagine the plane crashing and how nobody will care and/or report your death on Facebok.




etc.


3) Refreshments


Airplane food is delicious. It should be sold in supermarkets, served in restaurants and fed to children at school.









Airplane beverages, however, are not.

The best thing about flying is getting trashed.



The altitude thins your blood so after a few shots you're ready to use the vomit bag and/or hit on the pilot. Unfortunately, American Airlines charge about $50.00 per cocktail and a "shot" of vodka comes in an eye-dropper so unless you want to blow your shopping money on booze I'd suggest you bring your own.


Just remember Security is tough on liquids so you must bring it in Solid Form.







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