Tuesday, April 5, 2011

kicking the habit

Every Girl is different.

We each have our own personalities (based on a Glee character), unique beauty (favorite lipstick brand) and special talent (walking in heels).



The wonderful [tragic] thing about being a Girl is that no matter how different we are, we will all go through the same shit eventually. Life will hand you certain "milestones" that help you to become a woman and get in touch with yourself.



Some of these happen once, like getting your first period, growing boobs (or realizing you never will) and learning how to "fake it."



Some happen a few times, like getting knocked up, popping your water bra or sleeping with your tampon in.



And some happen regularly.

Each year comes a day that inspires fear in Everygirl. It comes in the late spring or early summer, depending on when public transportation starts smelling the way "Dawn Of The Dead" would if TV were scratch-n-sniff. 

I'ts the first day of the year you go out stockings-free.


When I was "Goth" I used to wear stockings all through the summer which made me look cool and psychotic. I can't do that anymore because in Milan I don't have a car aka constant Air Conditioning; I can feel that my days are numbered and in a few weeks I'll be exposed.

After months of only shaving when you think you're Getting Some and hiding your cellulite via "control tops," this can be a daunting idea.


But I'll help you prepare.


QUIT YOUR STOCKINGS- THE CRUMPETS GUIDE SPRING 2011


1) Step By Step
Like Drugs, stockings are impossible to quit "cold turkey," as you will relapse. The best way is to follow my 6 Step Program:

STEP 1: Go from whatever you're currently wearing (probably 100 or 80 den) down to 70.


STEP 2: 70 den to 50.


STEP 3: 50 den to 20.


STEP 4: 20 den to 15 (start shaving here).


STEP 5: 15 den to 10.


STEP 6: 10 den to 0.



2) Hair Removal
Duh.



Waxing is obviously the best choice but my life is already full of pain so I settle with shaving. Just make sure you don't miss any spots because thats worse than not shaving at all.



#ankles #knees


3) Skin Care
Start moisturizing the shit out of your legs because they're probably covered in scales by now.




4) Excercise
LOL.
Some of yall might want to do "squats" or something, which, good luck.
Just go out and buy a heavy pair of shoes (20 kilos) and your theighs will be tight in a week.

No comments:

Post a Comment