On Saturday Nights I stay in to paint my nails and watch ants infest my bedroom.
But tonight I'm making an exception.
Tonight Justin Bieber is in Milan and hosting a party at GOLD.
Because he's 12 years old they can't legally serve alcohol, which is great because it means that everyone will compensate by bringing loads of drugs.
I don't have an invitation to the party but by the end of the night I'll be in his hotel room.
I've done extensive research on Justin after realizing that he's totally brilliant.
Anyone who can popularize both bangs and pedophilia must be talented.
I only date guys who are either a) twice my age or b) just learning how to walk, so Justin is perfect; here's my plan on how to get my man.
MISSION TEA BIEBER 2GETHER 4EVER
Kids can't resist candy.
I'll charm him with my knowledge of kick ball and board games.
Boys love older girls because they're more experienced. I'll even let him kiss me in public.
I'll show Justin just how dedicated [obsessed] I am by my singing all of his songs in alphabetical order and showing him [making him sign] the notebook I've filled up via writing my first and his last name together.