After a few days back I already feel at home.
I've forgotten my Italian, replacing it with Southern Accent Skills ("Prego" means "pasta sauce," pronounced "Pray-Goh").
My [former] life in Italy is distant and abstract and the only "Milano" I know is a cookie.
I'm just more productive here.
So far I've been to a Nail Salon,
had a car accident (driving in platforms),
stalked my ex-boyfriends (they've gotten taller)
and caught up on Pop Culture.
Last time I was here I fell in love with Jersey Shore, which shaped my behavior and wardrobe for the following 7 months.
This time I am taken by Mob Wives.
Mob Wives is not just a reality show. It's a Serious Documentary starring Four Heroines who have been affected by the world of Organized Crime via love, family or both.
Living alone on the wealth of their imprisoned husbands and fathers, these women struggle to survive on a diet of botox, champagne and fist fights.
After one episode I was not only jealous but inspired.
The only thing stopping me from moving to Staten Island and marrying a Mobster myself is the fact that doing so would ruin the chances of reaching my current goal of Becoming a Lesbian.
So for now i'll just copy their style.
MOB WIVES - HOW TO FAKE IT
People who dress season-appropriate are as annoying as those who ride bikes. If you like animals your fur can be fake (actually looks better) but dont stop just because youre sweating; think of all the weight you'll lose.
2) All Gold Everything
Mob Wives have millions of "Sanitation Dollars" to aid their luxury needs.
I, on the other hand, make as much money as a House Cat.
Real gold is out of the question but you can make some pretty convincing rings and teeth using foil candy wrappers.
3) Attitude Problem
These women know true style comes from within. Act the part via doing ~5 of these a day and you'll be halfway there:
1) F sister's husband
2) Take mother's jewelry
3) Pull hair
4) Burn down house
5) Lie to FBI
6) Steal dog
7) Disown daughter
8) Hire Hit Man
9) Sleep with Hit Man
10) Narc on Hit Man
4) Mad Men
The most important part-surround yourself with destructive, disrespectful men who will control your life and take everything you have.
For those still in Milan this won't be hard.