Thursday, April 7, 2011

smooth criminal

Some people are lucky enough to be born beautiful. Others become "smart" or "funny."

Sadly some people arent any of these. They have three options as how to not be complete miserable failures: 1) Get Rich 2) Date a Celebrity 3) Go to Prison

Anybody who has been to jail is cool (and hot) so I was pleased to learn last night that my otherwise "photographer" friend Davide has done Hard Time.

CONVERSATION WITH A CRIMINAL


So what did you do time for? Murder?

Well it's complicated. I actually didn't do anything wrong. My father was dating this state representative, and they were arguing, and I was just trying to defend him, and

Ok this is boring let's just pretend you did something really hardcore ok? So where did you go to Prison?

Texas.

What did yall wear?

White jumpsuits, with a seperate top and bottom.

No I mean like what kind of underwear.

Boxers.

What did yall eat?

We sometimes had good food like pizza, but usually it was shit. The meat came in a big tube you'd have to cut open which smelled like old farts.

I thought in Texas they served yall KFC?

No.

Did anybody rape you?

No.


Why not?

Well, this one guy, Leeroy Jones, was obsessed with me. He was a huge black man with straightened hair and I was a 19-year-old kid at the time. Luckily people always seemed to walk in on the right moments and save me.

Was porn smuggled in?

Oh my god yes.

What kind?

Everything. But actually we got to watch Showtime, which is funny because after midnight they play porn. So everyone would just get under their sheets and masturbate.

Cute!

Yeah it was funny. They all made their own little tents like kids.

LOL. Did your mom ever visit you?

Yes.

What's the first thing you did when you got out of prison?

I got an entire pint of ice cream and I fucking ate it myself. Then I went to my old high school and picked up some chicks.

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