Wednesday, May 25, 2011

women with more than one cat have deep-seeded issues

Yall remember my friend signing up for

I thought she'd give up by now [via wasting time/money] but so far it's been totally great [for me]. She hasn't found her Soulmate yet but has been entertaining me via sending Profile Information from the worst guys who fill up her inbox. I'm starting to fear her Finding Love as that will put an end to these emails and force me to sign up myself.

Enjoy her latest Admirers' Profiles with some of my interpretations (I couldn't add their pictures; I'm trying not to be cruel).

1) The Vamp

"I'm reading The Vampire Chronicles Collection by Anne Rice. I'm not a huge fan of books, though I like thriller/mystery books. Though I mostly read things on the Internet."

(When I'm not busy being a Dungeon Master you can find me on Vampire Fetish Forums).

"New to on-line dating, recently separated and need to get back out in the dating world after 10 years of being out of the game. Hope I'm not rusty."

(I'm new to dating, haven't seen a woman in 10 years and hope I can get it up). 

"Hoping to meet someone nice that enjoys hanging out. Not looking for anything too serious." 

(Hoping to find someone willing to play the Elf to my Wizard).

2) The Dog 

"They say you can't judge a book by it's cover. I say wait till they make it a movie, then judge it from the comfort of your own sofa...just kidding" 

(He ruined it with the "just kidding").

"I have now been living in DC for 10 years and have been enjoying every minute of it...I like going dancing on a Friday night, having a good brunch on Saturday morning, going out for a cup of coffee on a Sunday afternoon while having a nice conversation with a fun and interesting woman, going to the classical music concert series at the National Gallery...I like independent movies, poetry, pro sports, the opera, I am cery passionate, honest, truthful, hard working...I have a passion for what I do for a living and consider myself very fortunate for it..."

(I absolutely never stop talking and have bored myself into several long-term comas).

"On the weekends, I like to let my inner boy out of his room to play (sometime also during the week)."

(I have a slave living in my closet).

"I hate cats. If a girl has more then 1 cat, she has deep-seeded issues. Dogs are awesome."

(My Ex-Girlfriend had two cats. The first night I could see they were judging me. They were jealous and decided to sabotage our relationship, starting in the bedroom. They would watch me make love to her and silently laugh. She didn't believe me and refused to keep them out of the room so I developed erectile dysfunction.  Then they invaded my dreams. I started having nightmares and couldn't sleep. I felt cat hair all over my body and feared for my life. I asked my Ex to choose between them or me and she left without saying goodbye. Since then I've been staying with my uncle, a dog breeder with an online degree in therapy which has helped me a lot).

"So what do you think? Are you ready to stop browsing and meet someone real?"
"Someone extremely romantic that will love you and you deserve to be loved and will make you feel like the special, unique woman that you are?"
"Can you handle a REAL, GENUINE man?"
"Are you adventurous?"
"Are you ready to start a SERIOUS and committed yet fun relationship with a great man?"
"If so contact me!!!!!"

(Committed yet fun relationship? LOL) 

3) The Winner 

About Me: 
"Obese, balding, socially awkward man seeks supermodel :)"


  1. OMG I just wrote a totally similar post like yesterday except yours is funnier so you win OBVS. Good job!

  2. I think that you should sign up for a vampire fetish forum(for research obviously...) and write a post about some of the lovely things you get sent.

  3. hahha! lucky you haven't seen the slavic descriptions..