For the past few days I've been checking my email a lot. Mostly to see who's answered my gross Craigslist ads but also to hear back from Beautiful People.
They said it would take 48 hours so when they were late I began to freak out.
Then I realized they're probably just finding a way to tell me that not only am I accepted but I'm also their Member Of The Month and/or new Testimonial Picture.
I start worrying about how I'll juggle school with private flights to meet my beautiful rich boyfriends in Thailand. I stop seeing my friends and stay in all weekend to look at myself in the mirror. I call my ex-lovers and tell them that from now on I can't be seen with them in public. I cancel my gym membership (obvs I don't need it).
I check my email.
You're shitting me.
HOW DAARREEE YOU NOT ACCEPT ME!!!!!
Let me remind yall of the adORABLE picture I sent in of myself:
This girl looks cute, slutty and totally braindead-isn't that what Guys Want?
After smashing everything in my apartment I calm down enough to think.
There must be a reasonable answer to this:
BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE REJECT CULPRITS 2011:
1) Jealous Exes
One of my ExBFs works for this company.
As soon as he sees my picture his heart breaks into a million pieces when he realizes that leaving me for that Italian Graphic Design Girl was the biggest mistake of his life. But he knows I'll never take him back now and seeing me date Beautiful Internet Men will only drive him to madness/suicide. So he denies my entrance, to save his own life. (Always was a selfish bastard).
2) Mean Girls
I didn't have any rivals in high school because nobody really knew who I was via me never being there (sorry mom). However I'm SURE there was someone out there totally jealous of my older boyfriend with a car and/or my ability to sneak off campus by flirting with the security guard (still love you, Rex). Bitch must be their CEO or something.
3) Sexist Pigs
The guys judging the pics OBVS don't like "liberated women" who wear underwear in public and have "odio tutti" on their walls.
4) Fing Racists
DUH! Just have to find out who has a thing against Croatian/American immigrants (everyone) and it will make total sense.
Till then should I send another photo? A naked one this time? Or do what I said in the first place and just take myself out of my misery.
PS- It's bc I don't have boobs, right?