Today my cousin is getting married on a farm in North Carolina.
I couldn't make it via being unemployed (and angry about not being a bridesmaid).
However my sister is a bridesmaid (wtf) and asked me to write her Toast.
I obvs thought she was joking via me knowing as much about relationships as Berlusconi does about his illegitimate children so when she asked me to send it to her last night I found myself frantically searching online for Cher quotes and outtakes from "My Best Friend's Wedding."
Eventually I managed to write something about how my cousin's relationship with her BF Ive never met compares to the way she played with Barbies as a kid and my sister totally loved it (lied to me).
Seeing as it's summer and everyone's getting hitched I figured I may as well share some tips:
BRIDESMAID WEDDING TOASTS 101:
- Be Creative
I find creativity comes last minute and/or under the influence of Uppers. This way you'll make something up and make the Bride sound more exciting.
- Be Personal
Include unforgiving information about the Bride's past Exes. One night stands and sexual exploits should also be recounted. This will remind her she's making a terrible mistake and reveal (via her Groom's reaction) she just married a prude.
- Be Funny
When all else fails tell offensive jokes directed towards the ethnicity of the Groom's family. This will draw attention away from you and hopefully start a cake fight/divorce.
- Get Wasted
Drunks are more articulate. Your speech will be dynamic and you'll probably end up ad-libbing and/or talking about yourself which is much more interesting because you're single.
- Get Sad
You can't believe your friend/sister/exgirlfriend is getting married and it's totally unfair. Why should you be sleeping alone tonight? What makes her so special? Why didn't you get any winks on match.com? Why the hell is your dress so ugly?! You're better looking and better in bed and hope that her marriage fails miserably.
- Get Slutty
Use your speech as an opportunity to hit on all the Groomsmen. They'll all be paying attention to you so this is the perfect opportunity to describe your panties and assure them you aren't menstruating.