Sunday, July 31, 2011


Sorry Matthew (& Karley), I just had to go back to black-the white wasn't trashy enough!

Hope I don't hurt yalls eyes x

Saturday, July 30, 2011


I may be neglecting yall for the next month or so because in September I've got more exams. 

I know-I've been in school forever and it seems that I'll never get out. However considering the fact that my parents are having to sell all their furniture just to support me I think it's time for me to "get serious" about "growing the fuck up," aka graduating college before I turn 40.

I have never been able to do anything school related at school, home, in a library or any place that has or sells books. I have found the only way for me to get anything done is by going to a bar or coffee shop, which I learned back when I was failing high school.

It was senior year, and while my peers were in class, stressing over what college they'd get into, I was walking my cute lil ass to Starbucks to study for a remedial math course I had to take online in order to get my diploma (I was an impressive kid). There I met a cute blonde-haired guy who I decided was right for my sister, so I gave him her number and they ended up dating for years. I realized it was fate, started studying at coffee shops and eventually even got accepted to Appalachian State University. 

I did pretty well at ASU, but now that I'm in Milan it's harder. Not just because I spend all of my time trying to figure out where I was the night before or stalking boys I'm convinced will eventually fall in love with me but because Milan doesn't have good cafes! 

The only cafe you can actually sit at for more than two minutes without having the Mafia escort you out (Italians drink their coffee standing up and super fast. It's one of the million annoying things about them) is McCafe, and, as much as I love it there, I don't love being tempted by McFlurries and french fries-because what's the point of being smart if you don't look fit doing it?

Ok, so as I was writing that last paragraph my mom just came and told me to "stop doing this shit" so I'm gonna get to the point. Here's how to pick the best places to study.

1) Drinks
You'll need strong coffee and stronger liquor. 

I get iced coffee with Bailey's every day at my current school's bar, however American cafes rarely do this-you're lucky to find a place that has beer. The best thing to do is pick a joint for it's espresso and sneak in a flask yourself. That way you'll stay awake and creative while saving money you'll need to spend on that guy who promised to help you cheat.

2) Atmosphere
Bathrooms are the most important part of any business. 

I often pick restaurants, clubs, nail salons entirely based on their toilet. Great lighting and a flattering mirror will give you the confidence boost you need to get through the hell that is realizing you don't remember basic math, chose the wrong major and will probably never get a job. 

3) People
Follow the hotties. 

Once you find the right study spot you'll be there every day. And if that spot isn't full of people you want to have sex with you'll eventually find yourself in greasy hair, a pair of crocs and rolled-up gym shorts.  

Because doing school shit is depressing enough. Don't make it worse than it should be.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Andrew Weathers

I met Andrew Weathers when I was 12.

I had just moved and changed middle schools mid-year, which is about as easy on your emotions as watching the last scene of "Fox and the Hound" over and over again on your period.

Which is probably why later that year I had my first misdemeanor and started dying my hair black or whatever.

Anyway, my first day at Culbreth Middle (worst name evz) I stumbled into the middle of my new Algebra class and without having an assigned seat, was drawn to the spiky-haired kids in the back. You know, the "bad" ones.

"Hey, I like your Lucky Charms t-shirt."

"Oh, thanks. It's my favorite cereal."

"Are you new?"


"Wanna smoke weed after class?"

Ok that wasn't Andrew, that was Jeremy-the kid who decided he had "first dibs" on the new girl.

Anyway, though Andrew and I went to different high schools (probably for the best, he went through an "Emo" phase where he ironed his bangs every day and I had an eating disorder and didn't talk to anybody) we always stayed close. Today he is still one of the best, cutest, tallest friends I have. And he's also a talented musician.

Tomorrow night Andrew will be playing one of his last shows here before he moves to LA or Russia or something. I'm hoping he plays "Rubik's Cube From Hell," a love/hate song he he wrote about me back when I was a heartbreaking 15 year-old and he was a "Buckthorn Superstar."

The show is tomorrow night at 9 at the Nightlight in Chapel Hill.

PS-I really did have an amazing Lucky Charms t-shirt

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Desperately Seeking Anon

It's nice to know all I've gotta do for some attention is threaten to kill myself (see previous post). Until now I've only really gotten comments from people who got here by accident after a failed Google search for biscuits

and old high school rivals who now think I'm cool and want to win me over (that probably isn't true but I had to write something and "my parents" didn't have the same ring to it).

The only remarkable commenter before my Suicide Threat has been my doting "Anonymous." With Anonymous and me it was love at first sight-though I couldn't actually see him-but I knew he was hot and could feel his deep love (obsession) for me from Post One.

But like any relationship, ours had it's problems and I'm trying to see what went wrong...

Our courtship starts like any other-based around aggression and fear. Above he displays anger over the fact that I don't do what he wants (I have a LIFE, you know) (no I don't) and I gladly oblige to his needs. 

Anon and I are getting on well-he even helps me choose my outfits.

Though sometimes harsh, he supports my work and gives me the push that I need.

Why is he laughing? I feel annoyed. ("What the hell do you know about romance?")

Feeling we're drifting apart, Anon tries to win me back via buying this picture I took. (Didn't work)

Anonymous and I are unhappy. I start going out, drinking heavily and looking for love in new places.  He sees me spreading myself around town and gets insanely jealous.

Frustrated, Anon starts mocking me. I realize I've made myself vulnerable. My mother always warned me about Italians (but sadly not mozzarella).

Anonymous is a pervert. That's the one thing we really had in common and what kept me returning for more.

Well that's confusing-it seems Anonymous goes "both ways?"

Is he serious? I leave the country for a week and he starts checking out my boyfriends?

Ok since when is he a stylist? I swear this is the LAST TIME I fall for a gay!

He isn't making sense-I'm losing him.

What about MY shoes? Stop creeping other girls!

This is more like it-is he back on his meds? (And he's right, my legs are amazing). 

He's just trying to get me back...don't know if I should go there.

I hear makeup sex is the best-let's give it one more try?

Wait, I'm pretty sure this one's my Dad.

Monday, July 25, 2011


You know when your friend tells you to go out in pants that make you look fat (why I don’t wear pants or have any friends) or a coworker suggests you ask for a raise when they know the boss totally hates you (why I don’t have a job) or a bartender encourages you to drink something that has barely any alcohol in it (why I drink alone at home)? 

Sabotage happens daily and often when you least expect it:

Matthew has always been an amazing friend-some could say too much so.

When he moved to Milan he took me "under his wing," (sensed I needed "help"), let me spend nights at his apartment so I could watch Family Guy, eat all his food and cry about boys. After he moved away he let me stay with him in Venice, London and with Karley in Brooklyn.  He helped me with work, inspired me and made me feel “confident" enough to fight my depression. He kept me away from McDonald's and taught me the virtues of dating men who aren't so "abusive."

With him I often wondered what the “catch” was-he obviously didn’t want to get in my pants (remember I don’t wear any) and aside from letting him take naked pictures of me, I couldn't offer him anything in return but someone to complement his hair and drink all of his Prosecco.

But about a week ago it all made sense-his intentions became quite clear-when he told me I should “redesign” my blog and make it “easier to read.”

“Do people even read it?”

I kinda hoped people just checked it to see if I've uploaded new pictures of myself. But Matthew has never done me wrong so I went ahead with his advice.

I changed my blog from black to white and undid the neon pink post titles. It looked cleaner; healthier; better-and it felt good-until I noticed:

1) in changing the design I also got rid of the “like” application, losing all evidence of everyone (Matthew and my Mother) who were enjoying my posts

2) the blog lost its "edge" (via being white instead of black #duh) and

3) worst of all, just as Matthew predicted, it became easy to read.

What Matthew didn't realize is that the appeal of my blog has always been it's inaccessibility-people are forced to skim through it and just assume that it's good (or terrible) because if they try to focus too hard they'll get brain damage/seizures. (Like when I first moved to Italy and thought people were interesting because I couldn't understand a word they were saying-no surprise that now that I'm fluent I want to get the hell out).

In addition to that, ever since I changed the design I haven't had ANYthing to write about! My mojo, so to speak, (should I bring that back) is gone. And no, this has nothing to do with the fact that this week I've been in Chapel Hill, doing nothing but watching Oprah reruns and stalking my professors online (I graduate next year and have yet to have an affair with a teacher (actually I already have just not my own so it doesn't count)).

I'm not saying you shouldn't trust people (that's exactly what I'm saying) but keep in mind that when something seems too good to be true, it almost definitely is. 

That all being said, what do yall think of the changes? Is my blog easier to read now? Did you ever read it? Do you think Matthew is hot? 

(If I get no comments on this I will literally kill myself). 

Thursday, July 21, 2011

noodles is pimps too

Back in NC I'm not sure what to do but eat Bojangles and meet guys at Kmart. 

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

evz with a z

My last days in NYC were spent via Shamanic Journeying with Karley & Matthew,

finally meeting Susan (nail icon),

and catching up with Murr, who I haven't seen since we decided not to be friends after getting kicked out of a Milan Club for trying to light my pantyhose on fire. Since moving to New York he's gotten a dog and a boyfriend and has inspired me to do the same

(I prefer cats but you get the idea).

Sunday, July 17, 2011


After getting lost in Queens and losing my phone in Brooklyn I eventually made my way to Karley and Matthew. Today we ate cheeseburgers and got really sweaty.