Wednesday, August 17, 2011

abercrombie&bitch

As a kid I remember my teenage sister crazy for Abercrombie&Fitch. Her and my cousin would flock to the store where sweaty adolescents would fight over overpriced cotton tees and tiny ripped up jean shorts. In high school, the pretty girls who played field hockey wore A&F hoodies to keep warm in the intense air conditioning of our classrooms and showed off their toned virgin legs in checkered minis. The brand represented youth, sex, beauty, fun, sex, fitness, sex.




Last summer I bought my Italian roommate an Abercrombie&Fitch hoodie because the brand had arrived in Milan-and hit big-Mothers and daughters stood outside the store for hours waiting to catch a glimpse of the slutty male models folding shirts. The hoodie cost me 20 bucks-in Italy it's 100. Little did my roommate know that these days, there are two reasons for an American to visit an Abercrombie store:


1) Tripping on House Music


2) Using the toilet


That's why this news shocked me:




Abercrombie, I hate to break this to yall but, the J.S. crew IS your fans! The only people who wear yalls stuff are Guido Italians and/or their grandmas-No amount of child-pornographic advertisements will ever change that! Anyway, this ordeal got me thinking-thinking that The Situation will get TONS of money/Gym Memberships just to avoid something-and that makes me jealous! I'm sure there are plenty of brands I'd "misrepresent" easily-I've just gotta choose one to focus on when I get famous. Then I'll just have to sit back and wait for the scandalous money to come.




BRANDS TEA WILL SHAME WHEN SHE BECOMES FAMOUZ:




1) Chanel
Ugh, do people still wear this? It's an easy brand to embarrass-if Karl is still alive by the time I get my hands on the stuff, it won't be for long. The only problem is it's too expensive (I'll spend all my money on drugs). Maybe I'll stick to the fakes
.






2) Versace
Oh, but Donatella would loooooooooooooooooooove me!






3) Top Shop
I feel like I've done enough for this brand's male models to be on their good side forever.






4) Tommy Hilfiger
Yeah they would totally hate me (they hate black people and I have a black friend). Problem is their clothes are only good for ironic 90s parties and wiping your butt.




(My black friend, wearin Tommy).




5) H&M
Well I don't know how I can shame a brand that's already so shameful.








6) Zara
Last winter I went to Zara to "window shop" while waiting for a date. I ended up buying two dresses without looking at the price and without trying them on. 200 Euros later, I had a leopard-print dress that was too big for me and a leather one I couldn't wash (I somehow get ketchup on everything and I don't even eat). Anyway I hemmed the leopard dress and now it's way to short #duh.




(I have two black friends).




7) American Apparel
I used to be really upset they never asked me to model for them. Then I realized it's cuz their models all have long hair. Yeah, wtf, right? Giving all my AA shit away. (Also can't BELIEVE yall never advertised with me you losers and you wonder why you're going bankrupt).






8) Margiela
Does anybody understand why people love this shit so much? If I wanted to wear my dad's shirts, my stockings on my head and not brush my hair for a year, I would. 




(*Rolls Eyes*)




9) Acne
I used to hate Acne because it seemed like a brand rich northern kids wear to bed. Then my friend gave (stole) me a pair of their leggings and, well, I wear them to bed.






10) Dolce&Gabbana
LOL this brand could never be shamed-they represent literally anybody who is into their lacy, racy "high class" shit-and that's why they're cool. I also love them because literally any fashion student anywhere thinks they suck,, which must mean something because fashion students are idiots. Maybe I won't get them to pay me to not wear their stuff-maybe I'll ask for stuff gratis? What do yall say?



1 comment:

  1. I like the phrase "aspirational nature of our brand" in A&F's press release. To me, the homoerotic overtones of their brand imagery state that their customers aspire to be at the center of the next republican gay sex scandal.

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