Saturday, August 6, 2011

anchor babe

One great (annoying) thing about me is my almost-perfect memory. I can recall what I was wearing my second day of school (skirt over pants, duh), how I felt the first time I was alone at home (traumatized) and what I wrote in the yearbook of my then-crush ("H.A.G.S, Zach"). Anyway, one of these memories is from kindergarden, when the teacher asked what we wanted to be:

Pants-Piss Kid: "A teacher!"

French-Braid Girl: "A nurse!"

Leggings Boy: "A stay at home Mom!" 

Me: "FAMOUS!" (duh)

Teacher: "You can't just be famous, Tea, you need to do something! You can be an actress or a singer! Or even a princess?" (They didn't have bloggers back then).

Me: "Shit."

First I went with Princess. I saw Lady Di lookin Fly and getting tons of attention just for getting married. So I thought that would be really easy until I realized that boys are gross.

My second idea was to be a famous Marine Biologist (wtf) because I was obsessed with seals, in love with "Bill Nye" and thought people cared about science (blame that on my Mom). But then I actually had my first biology class and was like, "LOL NO THANKS."

THEN I started playing the piano and decided I'd be a musician.
I spent all my allowance on CDs and only dated boys with guitars. Soon concerts, band dates and piano lessons took up most of my time-which is partly why I almost failed high school and only had two friends. Luckily I realized in time for college that 1) the Sex Pistols don't have a piano player, 2) my voice is terrible and 3) no matter how how good I get, there will always be some Asian chick ahead of me.

So I went with my worst-case-scenario:

But realizing today that I suck at sewing, can't spell CAD and couldn't tell a Chanel from a Kmart, I finally decided to give up: "I'll never meet Miss Jay!" 

Feeling depressed and hopeless, I turned to my only friend:

On a quest to find Cartoon Network, I somehow stumbled upon the news-and for reasons I still can't explain (broken remote) I decided to actually watch them.

After ten minutes I had some questions. Like, who the hell is Kosovo? Does the debt ceiling have asbestos? Will the new health care plan for women cover my facials and waxing?


Have yall SEEN the anchor women these days? They're articulate, beautiful and feisty-they represent everything I want to be (and to think all this time I was watching Real Housewives of New Jersey for inspiration)! I've decided I must have this job-even if it means shoulder pads.


1) Great Hair 

Make that "great everything!" You'll have people fussing over you every day, not to mention amazing lighting! Plus you're usually only shot from the waist-up so if you're PMS-bloated, who cares!

2) Hot Guys

If I could be granted just one wish in my life it would be either 1) the ability to eat whatever I want and stay skinny or 2) make every boy/man have gray hair.

3) Reading Skills

(Ad-libbing with blank pieces of paper).

4) Intelligence

(Via fake glasses).

5) Sense of Humor


Duh! Not only will people think I'm hot/funny/smart but they'll have to watch me EVERY DAY! This job is so perfect I can't believe I didn't think of it before. I'm already great at public speaking (as you've seen from the video above) so all I'm really missing are the boobs!

And let's face it guys-if the world were ending wouldn't you like to hear it from me?


  1. Your teacher couldn't know how wrong she would be- these days there are several sorry examples of those who are famous for no reason at all, EG Paris Hilton and the cast of the Jersey Shore.

    You've never needed a voice to be a singer (Carol Channing) but now even more so with modern electronics (Katy Perry.) A lack of voice could also just be part of your schtick (e.g. Amanda Palmer)

    Maybe you should just go further into debt and go school for journalism and become a fashion writer or something?

  2. Omg you are me but hotter and in Europe.