Saturday, August 6, 2011

anchor babe

One great (annoying) thing about me is my almost-perfect memory. I can recall what I was wearing my second day of school (skirt over pants, duh), how I felt the first time I was alone at home (traumatized) and what I wrote in the yearbook of my then-crush ("H.A.G.S, Zach"). Anyway, one of these memories is from kindergarden, when the teacher asked what we wanted to be:

Pants-Piss Kid: "A teacher!"

French-Braid Girl: "A nurse!"

Leggings Boy: "A stay at home Mom!" 

Me: "FAMOUS!" (duh)

Teacher: "You can't just be famous, Tea, you need to do something! You can be an actress or a singer! Or even a princess?" (They didn't have bloggers back then).

Me: "Shit."

First I went with Princess. I saw Lady Di lookin Fly and getting tons of attention just for getting married. So I thought that would be really easy until I realized that boys are gross.





My second idea was to be a famous Marine Biologist (wtf) because I was obsessed with seals, in love with "Bill Nye" and thought people cared about science (blame that on my Mom). But then I actually had my first biology class and was like, "LOL NO THANKS."



THEN I started playing the piano and decided I'd be a musician.
I spent all my allowance on CDs and only dated boys with guitars. Soon concerts, band dates and piano lessons took up most of my time-which is partly why I almost failed high school and only had two friends. Luckily I realized in time for college that 1) the Sex Pistols don't have a piano player, 2) my voice is terrible and 3) no matter how how good I get, there will always be some Asian chick ahead of me.



So I went with my worst-case-scenario:




But realizing today that I suck at sewing, can't spell CAD and couldn't tell a Chanel from a Kmart, I finally decided to give up: "I'll never meet Miss Jay!" 




Feeling depressed and hopeless, I turned to my only friend:


On a quest to find Cartoon Network, I somehow stumbled upon the news-and for reasons I still can't explain (broken remote) I decided to actually watch them.

After ten minutes I had some questions. Like, who the hell is Kosovo? Does the debt ceiling have asbestos? Will the new health care plan for women cover my facials and waxing?


HOW CAN I GET THIS JOB?



Have yall SEEN the anchor women these days? They're articulate, beautiful and feisty-they represent everything I want to be (and to think all this time I was watching Real Housewives of New Jersey for inspiration)! I've decided I must have this job-even if it means shoulder pads.


ANCHOR WOMAN JOB PERKS:

1) Great Hair 




Make that "great everything!" You'll have people fussing over you every day, not to mention amazing lighting! Plus you're usually only shot from the waist-up so if you're PMS-bloated, who cares!




2) Hot Guys




If I could be granted just one wish in my life it would be either 1) the ability to eat whatever I want and stay skinny or 2) make every boy/man have gray hair.




3) Reading Skills




(Ad-libbing with blank pieces of paper).




4) Intelligence




(Via fake glasses).




5) Sense of Humor






6) FAME



Duh! Not only will people think I'm hot/funny/smart but they'll have to watch me EVERY DAY! This job is so perfect I can't believe I didn't think of it before. I'm already great at public speaking (as you've seen from the video above) so all I'm really missing are the boobs!

And let's face it guys-if the world were ending wouldn't you like to hear it from me?

2 comments:

  1. Your teacher couldn't know how wrong she would be- these days there are several sorry examples of those who are famous for no reason at all, EG Paris Hilton and the cast of the Jersey Shore.

    You've never needed a voice to be a singer (Carol Channing) but now even more so with modern electronics (Katy Perry.) A lack of voice could also just be part of your schtick (e.g. Amanda Palmer)

    Maybe you should just go further into debt and go school for journalism and become a fashion writer or something?

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  2. Omg you are me but hotter and in Europe.

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