PREGNANCY TIPS 2012

So basically everybody is pregnant now. Like at least a billion of my friends are knocked-up. Which is cool because that makes me the "skinny one" but it's also kinda annoying when they want help. A very close GF I used to live with in NC kept calling me this summer asking for advice on how to get through being pregnant without falling into a deep dark depression or whatever and all I could say was "Abortion Clinic." I mean. As far as I'm concerned my Uterus's only purpose is to make me moody, cramped, eventually induce hot-flashes and hopefully stay as empty as Berlusconi's conscience forever. 


Anyways-being sooo far behind in gossip via deciding to stop reading Perezhilton (he's a Bully), I only NOW saw Beyonce's new Trailer-Trash Music Video. And I have to say it's brilliant. Not only is it full of mayj new makeup and hair trends, it's also ~bursting~ with Beyonce's step-by-step rules for a Healthy Famouz Pregnancy: 






PREGNANCY TIPS 2012: THE BEYONCE BABY


1) MORAL SUPPORT

Being preggers means needing someone to tie your shoes for you because your ankles are swollen and so are you so you actually can't even see your feet. You need someone you can trust-someone who won't judge you-someone like a Drug-Dealing Gang$ter.

2) PREPARATION 

Get familiar with toxic toys and mostly how they taste. The family that poisons together stays together.


3) SAFETY

Keep your fetus as close to open flames and large bodies of water as possible.

4) NUTRITION

I mean basically anything orange is full of Vitamin C.


5) FITNESS

Tone your butt by doing squats against a moving stolen car.


6) PREVENTION

Keep morning-sickness under control by living on your toilet. 


7) HEALTH

Because if you get wasted enough you'll forget all about it.