BOYMATES

I've had some interesting roommates in the past five years I’ve been living “away from home.” Ranging from Hyper Hippies to Lovely Lesbians, Bookish Blondes to Psychotic Parisians-the girls I've lived with have all been exciting-but I’m ready to room with boys. This past year I’ve been barely surviving in Roommate Hell. I basically preferred sleeping on the streets to coming home and spent all my money at California Bakery just so I wouldn't have to use the kitchen which was not only infected and moldy but also probably cursed.

Luckily those girls were recently replaced by two Ragazzi Italiani- and I honestly couldn’t be happier! Here’s why:


BOYMATES PERKS 2020

1) SECURITY

In addition to knowing my roommates will "picchiare" burglars/murderers/zombies for me (duh, I’m the one with the manicure) and check if there’s ghosts under my bed or whatever, it's also reassuring to not have to worry about anybody stealing my shit! Do you know what it’s like to live in FEAR of someone “borrowing” your clothes, using your makeup, taking your tampons and wearing your shoes? I'll tell you: horrible. (In my ex-roommates’ defense, only one girl has done this but it was enough to basically ruin my life).  Well I’ll never have to worry again-because the boys I’m living with are Very Heterosexual-so even if they were to use my Girly Shit they’d at least make a point of putting it back and hiding all evidence.

2) SAVINGS

I’ll never have to shop again! For food, at least. From what I’ve seen, boys generally just buy huge bags of anything they can find-bread, meat, pasta, salami, butter, meat, mayonnaise, meat, chocolate, bacon, cookies, meat, whatever-and they never manage to eat all of it so I basically get what’s left.

3) FUN

4) FLATTERY

Though it’s kind of annoying I now can never again walk around the house in sweatpants (I don’t own sweatpants) or without makeup on (I don’t wear makeup I was Born This Way) at least I’ll sometimes get compliments/see boners when I’m cleaning up after them in lingerie? #badfeminist