Every time a new WIRED comes out I'm kind of shocked that I'm inside it. I mean, am I really writing for a Real Magazine? I honestly just feel like a fraud- and fear soon the editor will feel that way, too (#LOVEYOUCARLO). Which is why I'm trying to
brag about promote this as much as possible, while I still can. (So glad they put my Boyfriend on the cover).
“An innovative and unique invention” is the description on its site. Made in Italy, the ‘Love Mattress’ sells for 1.670,00 Euros on Ebay and promises to ”make love more comfortable and pleasant.” How much more pleasant? The guys at Wired let me find out-and I was excited, expecting latex sheets, built-in cameras and sex toys, pillows with chains and remote-controlled vibrations. So you can imagine my dismay to find a basic Ikea-style model with just three straps of fabric and an ambiguous, awkwardly positioned “hole.” At first I assumed the straps at the top are for bondage, but when I felt the cheap, weak fabric, I realized even the lightest S&M session would break them-the only way this idea could work would be if they were made from silk or leather. Further, I guessed that the “hole” serves as a place to put your knees when giving head, your arms for doggy-style, or someone's face when punishing them or whatever. When "trying" these positions out, however, they just didn’t work. Confused, I had to check the site again to find instructions. And I did- along tacky, 80s style photos is written: “the woman can grab the handles,” and the “man’s legs in the hole.” I realized this mattress is not for kinky, experimental lovers but for a classic, heterosexual couple, having missionary-style sex. Um, what’s innovative about that? How much easier can missionary get? Do we really need more “inventions” encouraging a boring Love Life? Maybe I’m being too negative. I’m sure some couples enjoy this mattress-perhaps those who screw in the name of Jesus or only for the sake of childbirth. In fact, that’s a better idea: Children should use this bed. The hole works perfectly as a place to put snacks and drinks while watching Saturday Cartoons! One positive thing I can say is the name ‘Love Mattress' is appropriate. Just like love, it’s full of high expectations, tons of potential and ultimately, disappointment.