CRUMPETS CHRISTMAS HATEGIFTS 2021:
1) YOUR BOSS
Get that asshole a checkbook. You haven't been paid in months.
2) YOUR PROFESSOR
Show him you really appreciate his intellectual gifts.
3) THAT COUPLE
Speaking of babies, how annoying is it that everyone is knocked up this year? Thanx Beyonce. I found some birth control pills while cleaning my apartment last night so I guess one of my ex-roommates left them while moving out which was pretty chic of her. Anyway, nothing says "congratulations on your relationship" like "keep it in your pants." I kinda hope these are expired.
4) YOUR EX
Whatever you can do to remind him he was terrible in bed.
5) YOUR LANDLORD
Every time you call him to ask him to translate that gas bill from Italian to English or to ask him if the guys who are gonna fix your bidet are hot or if he wants to come over for dinner because all of your friends are on dates he pretends to not hear it or something. Now he won't have an excuse.
6) YOUR FRIEND'S KID