Friday, December 9, 2011

IN WHICH I BLOG ABOUT MY PERIOD

As much as I love being cliche and spending Friday Night alone in bed in my Mom's old sweatpants eating my roommate's chocolate and watching Dirty Dancing because I'm too weak to stand up because I feel like if I do all of Lady Gaga's background dancers will stab their way out of my Uterus, I kinda just wanna do this:      




because today I spent 30 Euros on Painkillers and the Pharmacist told me what I got will make me feel better but I took ALL OF IT and it isn't working and I think that all women should just have unlimited prescriptions to morphine all the time.




But we don't because men basically run everything and spend millions of bucks on researching Penis Pills but they don't give a crap about our HURTING BLEEDING VAGINAS because they think it's just PMS making us crazy or something. But you know what?




This isn't about PMS! I love PMS! It gives me an excuse to eat mayonnaise with a spoon and cry to strangers on the street and make out with everyone and say things like "I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO LOVE ME" because that's basically how I feel all the time!




This isn't about emotions or hormones or chemicals-this isn't about "what's in my head"-this is about the fact that THERE IS NO MEDICINE FOR THIS KIND OF PAIN and that is UNACCEPTABLE and INJUST because that's why I'm home alone tonight instead of going out with my friend who invited me to hang out with "SOME LONDON DUDES." 




So since the PHARMACEUTICAL INDUSTRY ain't got my back I'm gonna have to do this myself.


CRUMPETS GUIDE TO ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE-THE PERIOD EDITION:


1) FISH PILLS
This site claims Omega 3 Fatty Acids help ease the pain but this site also defines menstrual cramps as a "DULL PAIN" in your abdomen instead of "LIFE ENDING LOWER BODY APOCALYPSE" so what do they know.




2) MILK
Really? I think I'm vomiting enough already, thanks.




3) SEX
First of all how DARE you remind me I'm single/desperate and secondly LOLZ at implying men are ever even willing to do that in the first place (you know who you are).




4) SOUP
Some Dude thinks his Traditional Chinese Soup will help me but I don't have any of those ingredients at home so I'll just try this Italian Bagged stuff instead because that's basically the same thing.




5) HEROIN
Anyone know anyone who delivers? 




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