Monday, February 28, 2011

i dont give a damn about my [good] reputation

The difference between Losers and Cool Kids is Reputation.

If people aren't talking about you [your tumblr], you're probably not interesting.

All you've got to do is give yourself a Bad Reputation and you'll be the center of gossip in no time.




Here's How:


1) Habits
People who do drugs are interesting, but they're also usually failures.
The trick is to seem like you do them them without actually having to (and risking premature ageing).


Wipe your nose anytime you exit a restroom, develop a nervous twitch, leave the room anytime you make phone calls and be generally untrustworthy.


2) Personality
Choose one that suits you:
Bipolar Disorder, Anorexia, Depression, Anxiety, etc



Read [watch] "Girl, Interrupted" or "One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest" for reference.


3) Hobbies
Studying and reading should be done in private; you should only ever be seen at night, on dates with suspicious men and/or partying with the Wrong Crowd.



4) Appearance
The idea is to look like you haven't slept in days and spend too much money on taxis to afford new clothes. Everything should be ripped or wrinkled and makeup should be haggard (one blue eyelid, one green, etc).


Follow these tips and you'll be an "it" girl by April.

cosmic energy

While crying into my double Baileys before class, the school bartender explained my misfortune.

He assured me that 2011 is a shitty year for everyone.

He said it's had "negative cosmic energy" but that soon it will "get better."

#bartendersknowbest

Seems like it's even true for Gaga.

While her new video is really "beautiful" (guy with neck tattoos) and seeing her barefoot makes me feel better about wearing flats, something (Beyonce) is missing.


Better luck next time, babe.

I'll be waiting in the bar.


Saturday, February 26, 2011

low expectations

Today I'm sharing a secret with yall:  
The Secret To Success

You know That Guy in your office who sleeps at his desk and tweets during meetings, yet always gets promoted? Or The Girl in your class who never studies and lives at nightclubs yet wins the hearts of the professors [and the internship at Vogue]?



You wonder "how they do it" and think it "isnt fair," when really it's simple:

Keep people's expectations of you as low as possible and you can impress them with almost nothing. Minimal work will get you maximal results and people will applaud your every move.

Case Study 1: Lady Gaga vs Amy Winehouse: 


Lady Gaga has screwed herself via "honest hard work" and "ambition" so much that now she can't even get our attention by performing heart surgery [on herself].


Meanwhile, Amy knows the benefits of being a "fuckup." She took some vacations, spent her earnings on drugs and now can win a nobel peace prize just by getting out of bed.

Case Study 2: Salad vs Salinger:


The Blonde Salad knows how to impress. Keep things simple and predictable, so just adding a video seems innovative. It takes talent to get thousands of followers based on pictures your boyfriend takes of you (being a Hot Blonde also helps).


JD Salinger (RIP) tried too hard to be "intellectual." Nobody cared when he wrote revolutionary work, because that's what they expected. 



This Basic Principle stands in any situation. Take me, for example:

I almost failed high school (I had better things to do; I had a boyfriend) so getting a "D" in Physical Education got me more praise than my Sister's "A" in Chemistry.



Fast-Forward 5 years (still in school, surprise surprise)

This month I passed all my exams; exams I should have taken last June.
And now my Mom is rewarding me. (Because I deserve it!). In honor of me being almost a year behind, she got me a ticket to America in April, so I can eat Waffles and miss more school.


They say "a little hard work goes a long way."
Just make sure your work is late, uninspired and always the bare minimum.

Friday, February 25, 2011

pity party

Successful People know that the only way to get through life is via Self-Imposed Delusions.

"I will be famous one day."

"My exams are important."

"Lady Gaga made eye contact with me."

etc.

Sometimes, however, [tragic] reality overcomes you. 
Sometimes even 15 shots of pink vodka don't help.
Sometimes you leave a party crying hysterically [in front of everyone].



When you wake up with puffy eyes and suicidal tendencies, there's only one thing to do.

Most people suggest meeting with friends and doing something to "cheer yourself up."

I disagree.

I'm a firm believer in Self-Pity and think that if you're feeling like shit you should make a weekend of it.

Here's how to make the most of your self-loathing.

1) Film Therapy
Holocaust movies are the best in this case. 
Not only will they enhance your depression but they will make you feel like a shitty person for caring so much about YOUR problem when people out there are dying/being tortured, etc. (And then you'll feel like an even shittier person for secretly thinking your problem is worse). 



The Pianist is my favorite, as it also reminds me that I don't play the piano anymore and am therefore completely worthless.

2) Food Therapy
When youre feeling shitty you should only eat shitty foods to make yourself feel fat and therefore continue the Self-Pity-Cycle.


In situations like these I would suggest Taco Bell, but Milan is still in medieval times and only offers McDonalds.

3) Relationship Therapy
Ignore all your friends. Make them pissed at you for ditching them. You will feel worse than ever and will know that once you do get "back on your feet" you will be completely alone. 


4) Physical Therapy
Go out and do [self-destructive] stuff! Visit the Duomo and get refused entrance because you "look too slutty." Then spend all your money on something hideous and/or useless. Get a dress 2 sizes too small, (in hopes of "losing weight to fit into it"). Go to McDonald's and cry into your "Happy Meal."


At night go out and get trashed [by yourself] make desperate phone calls and lose all of your belongings.

5) Mental Therapy
I try to use my "brain" as little as possible but in situations like these it's important. You've got to have your thoughts straight, starting with blaming yourself. Whatever happened is YOUR FAULT.


Secondly you must remind yourself of why you're sad as often as possible; don't let yourself forget! Post reminders on your desktop and alarms on your cell phone. The idea is to cry until you have nothing left inside you.



Thursday, February 24, 2011

womens fashion we[ak]

The drunken haze I've been in the past few days means Women's Fashion Week is here.





Gucci: Silk and Seventeen-Year-Olds

Women's Fashion Week is all about taking drastic measures to distract yourself from the fact that beautiful teenage girls have possessed the city. So I've kept myself busy [drinking].

On Tuesday I DJd at Nike Stadium, aka put Nicki Minaj on repeat and made people bring me beer.


By midnight I was dancing on the counter of a cuban bar and socializing with the worst people in town.

pic Fabio Paleari
Yesterday I went to an event at SPIGA2, which was nice until some old lady stopped by and caused a scene.


Everyone was taking pictures of her, probably because she stole my haircut.


Later I had some Italian Cuisine


and went to the Gucci party, where this bitch in leather would NOT shut up about some new car she's getting.


Anyway I woke up this morning with cuts and bruises on what was my GOOD knee, so now I'm officially handicapped and will stay in the rest of the week.

Monday, February 21, 2011

The "F" Word

Those Close to Me know I've made some Important Lifestyle Changes this year; Changes I had to make in order to Pass My Exams and Avoid Untimely Death.

Though these Changes have made me a "better person," they've also made me Fat.

BEFORE

AFTER

I know, I know-
I still "fit" into the same clothes and "look exactly the same" but you guys don't understand. My legs sometimes like, touch together now, I can't see my ribcage through my clothing and sitting on hard surfaces feels soft.



Though I'm suffering from a "Girl-Interrupted" kind of self-loathing, I don't want to fall into an abyss of substance abuse and/or anorexia [again], so I'm just trying to "Keep My [Double] Chin Up."

Here's how to deal with like, being Kind of Fat:


1) Makeup
More is More.


Wear so much that it draws attention away from any other part of your body. If that doesn't work, use your makeup to draw on muscle definition and protruding bones.




2) Clothing
Only wear synthetic stretchy fabric and never, ever wear belts (do you want to see how many less holes you're using? May as well watch the last scene of "Lost in Translation" over and over again until you drown in your own tears).




3) Footwear
Obviously only high heels will help.


Unfortunately I'm still suffering Premature Handicapped Knee Syndrome so they aren't an option.

(It is true that all terrible things happen to a person all at once at the worst time).

I'm just trying to not wear shoes, as that's an excuse to stay inside and not see anybody.



4) Attitude
Stay positive and remember that if you can lie to yourself, you've already won half of the battle.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

THE RULES

I don't read much aside from Nutritional Information on food packaging so when I do pick up a book I make sure it's of Quality.

Today I found this Gem in my friend's bathroom.


It's called "The Complete Book of Rules" (Time-tested secrets for capturing the heart of Mr. Right) by Ellen Fein & Sherrie Schneider (published 1995).


The aim of this Masterpiece is to teach women and girls how to find the Perfect Man [purpose in life] through tips and advice [brainwashing]. As a Single Girl I found it extremely helpful and would like to share some passages with yall.

I want to help my sistas find a Strong Male Figure to complete [control] their [desperate, lonely] lives.

CRUMPETS BOOK CLUB: "THE RULES" HIGHLIGHTS:

1) BEHAVIOR:

(On a Date)
"Men like women. Don't act like a man, even if you are head of your own company. Don't tell sarcastic jokes. Don't be a loud, knee-slapping, hysterically funny girl. This is ok when you're alone with your girlfriends. But when you're with a man you like, be quiet and mysterous, act ladylike, cross your legs and smile. Don't talk so much."


(In a Relationship)
"Don't fix him. You will end up emasculating him and he will come to see you as a domineering shrew. He wants someone who makes him feel good or better, not inadequate. So leave him alone. When he asks you what to wear or how to play tennis, you can help him. Until then, just be there."

2) APPEARANCE:

(For Teenagers)
"Overweight is NOT "The Rules." Wear makeup...Don't wear a Grateful Dead T-Shirt. (Strange how women think that men are attracted to women who dress like men-sporty and even grungy!) If you have really bad acne, go to a dermatologist. Spend your baby-sitting money on manicures and pretty clothes. Notice what the most popular kids in school are wearing. DON'T try to be too different or frugal in this area...Don't let your mind tell you that all of this is superficial and beneath you...Boys like girls who wear what's on MTV and in the magazines."




(For Women)
"Do everything you possibly can to put your best face forward. If you have a bad nose, get a nose job; colour grey hair; grow your hair long. Men prefer long hair, something to play with and caress. It doesn't matter if short hair is easier to wash and dry. The point is, we're girls! We don't want to look like boys. Don't leave the house without wearing makeup. Put lipstick on even when you go jogging! Manicures, pedicures, periodic facials and massages should become part of your routine. And don't forget to spray on an intoxicating perfume when you go out. Wear black sheer stockings and hike up your skirt!"

3) AVAILABILITY:

"Men love a challenge-that's why they play sports, fight wars and raid corporations. When a man is trying to set up a date for you, don't say "Actually, I'm going to be in your area anyway." Don't offer the names of restaurants, unless he asks. Don't say much at all. Let him do all the thinking and the talking. Men really feel good when they work hard to see you. Don't take that away from them!"


4) SEX:

"It's common knowledge that men want as much as they can get on a first date. It's your job to slow them down. Let him kiss you on the first date, but nothing more. Keeping it to a kiss will force him not to think of you as just a physical object. The less you do physically, the better...Don't invite him up to the flat...Don't let his hands go everywhere. If you're getting too excited, end the date quickly so you don't do anything you'll regret...Keep telling yourself that other women have spoiled men by sleeping with them on the first date, but you're a RULES girl and you take your time."


It's really easy; just keep your [painted] lips closed, your [skinny] legs crossed and your [sarcastic] jokes to yourself. 

Your Prince will be here in no time.


Thursday, February 17, 2011

The Boy Who Cried "Rave"

A Good Friend once told me that "Belgian Ravers" are making a comeback.

While I don't know anything about Belgium, (or anyplace; today I used "neutral like Austria" in a sentence when I should have said "Switzerland" or "Germany"), I do know about Ravers.

What's not to love about a culture based on candy, drugs and dressing in the dark?


Just as I was starting to question this Trend Prediction, the Fashion Gods delivered; behold Jeremy Scott's Latest Collection:





13 year olds on their way home from a month of ecstasy binges



and unprotected hookups.




Surviving on a diet of Red Bull



and Lollypops.



You can almost see the holes in their brains



and feel their Mothers' desperation.