Thursday, March 31, 2011

liar, liar

Like Diet Coke and Pleather, Lying is essential to life.

We lie to ourselves, ("you're only bloated from your period"), our Doctors, ("I don't smoke"), our Professors, ("it's not 'skipping class,' it's Performance Art"), and our Dates :


Yulia reminded me how important this is. Let's review the basics.

DATE LYING 101

1) Age
Add on some years if your date is younger, 


and subtract them if he's older.


This makes the age difference more "inappropriate" and therefore hotter. 


2) Sexual History
I'm not suggesting to lie about your "number" (more power to you). Just don't tell him what you've done with his friends. And his roommates. And his brothers.



3) Ex-Boyfriends
Over dinner you should mention your ex-boyfriend buying you a car (lie), taking care of your sick dog (lie), and getting you VIP Gaga tickets (lie) to make your date feel insecure. But keep the part about him putting you in therapy (truth) and stalking you (truth) to yourself. (Your date will find that out on his own; your ex is waiting outside).



4) Work
Men only ask about your job to be polite, and they only want to hear one of three things:

1) Flight Attendant


2) Nurse


3) [Kindergarden] Teacher


Choose one and stick to it.


5) Education
Nobody cares about education so I doubt he'll even ask you. To be safe know the name of your nearest Cosmotology School.



6) Hobbies
You enjoy reading magazines and stretching.


Tuesday, March 29, 2011

face your fetish

Whether you express it online, with your boyfriend or during therapy, chances are you've got a fetish.

If you don't think you have one it's because you're only thinking of Foot Fetishes (gross) or Nurse Fetishes (cliche),


not realizing the other infinite possible ways to be creepy.

CRUMPETS FETISH GUIDE SPRING 2011


1) SKINHEADS
They're meaner than Mods, cleaner than Rude Boys, smarter than Punks and can iron a shirt faster than a 1950s housewife.



(Just make sure they're S.H.A.R.P so they don't hurt the racially ambiguous boy you're seeing on the side).



2) NECK TATTOOS
A guy getting a neck tattoo is the present-day equivalent of a caveman wrestling a mountain lion.



It implies that he's "tough" and can therefore "take care of you" aka "assemble your IKEA furniture."



3) CROOKED TEETH 
A crooked set of teeth implies bad healthcare, which implies childhood neglect, which implies coming from a "broken home," which implies having an "inferiority complex," which implies that he will do whatever you want.



4) FOREIGN ACCENTS
Foreign men are attractive because you can't understand half of the stupid shit they're saying.



By the time you realize they're losers you're already giving birth to Mafia Son in a Sicilian Villa.


5) CONSTRUCTION WORKERS



Too bad most of them are gay.



6) CHEWING GUM
I had a crush on this guy in elementary school because he was always chewing gum in class, which was totally against the rules. It's like the kid version of smoking.




7) TRENCH COATS
Guys in trench coats look like spies and spies are famous only for being seductive heavy drinking compulsive liars aka the perfect man.




8) RUSSIANS
When I worked at Les Hommes I would die anytime a Russian client came in, via them always buying the tackiest (most expensive) shit and making me feel like at any moment they'll take me to their yacht


where we'll drink vodka with Chess Champions and Beyonce.



9) UNIFORMS
Military,


Mechanic,


Medical,


McDonald's.



10) CATS
When a man has a cat it means he's in touch with his "sensitive" side aka is an annoying wussy you'll be forced to cheat on.


But it also means he doesn't have a dog and will therefore never make you play frisbee in a park.

Monday, March 28, 2011

spring showers

Say goodbye to your fur and hello to your allergies.
Sprintime is here.


Spring fashion is a sad mix between your winter leftovers and what you want to wear this summer, leading to upsetting combinations like Shorts + Tights,


Boots + Sundresses   


and Socks + Sandalds


(Dont care what JAK and JIL say, this is never chic).

The trick to pulling off Spring is to focus less on clothing and more on Hair, Nails and Makeup.



Bathe yourself in hairspray (you'll be extra frizzy via the "humidity")










get your nails did,








and pile on the Beauty Products. 









Do it right nobody will notice that you're dressing like a hippy on crack.