Saturday, April 30, 2011

DC[rack]

OMFG I can't believe my Spring Break is over.

Just thinking about being back in Milan gives me a panic attack (school! work! public transportation!) so I'm spending my last days researching diseases I can contract before Monday so I can miss my flight and get quarantined ET-style until after my exams are over.

While I wait for WebMD to do it's job I'll update yall on other stuff.

This weekend I went to DC to visit my sister aka stalk Tom Cruise at the Church of Scientology


and get trashed on strawberry margaritas.


With such charm and grace it's pretty shocking I'm still single.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

#metal

Hey Yall! My NC visit is almost over so I'm trying to make the most of my time here by seeing as many of my Ex-Boyfriends as possible.

Last night I caught up with Ben, who I met in 6th grade Tech class, bonded with over Blink 182 and eventually held hands with in the cafeteria.


Now Ben is in a Metal Band (hot) so last night I interviewed him about their upcoming album and other important stuff like Lady Gaga Lyrics and the perks of dating Metal Girls.


I'm still putting the article together but meanwhile here's Ben and Paul speaking in a Croatian accent via my Dad when he would answer the phone when they used to call me in high school or whatever.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

give her a pearl necklace

Today when I came home from walking my dogs aka hitting on the neighborhood teenagers


I found a package at my door.


It had my Mom's name on it so obviously I went ahead and opened it without her permission.

Inside I found a pearl necklace [insert cum joke] and realized it must be for me.

First of all, Thanks Mom.


Secondly, do girls still wear pearls?


Like, I know First Ladies do but what about 20something trashies who party too much, date criminals and/or married men and failed out of school? What about us?


Can we "pull them off" or will people think we're being "ironic" like when sexually promiscuous girls wear cardigans or aggressively heterosexual men [Frat Boys] wear shorts?

Should we only wear pearls on "Special Occasions" like Blind Dates with guys we met online or our first day of work at McDonalds?

Will people laugh at our attempt to be "taken more seriously" or will they applaud our newfound Class?


I'll let yall know.

jailbait

In honor of Christ I spent my Easter in Boone.


Boone is best known for ASU, Football, Mountains and Men.


Here guys destroy TVs for fun,



drink soda straight from the bottle,


eat whole chickens,


and aren't afraid of orange.


This Sunday I had the pleasure of seeing my dear friend Matt in Prison.

Matt and I have been dating on and off the past few years so seeing him Like This was "incredibly Romantic."

"Maybe for you, Tea, but not for me."


"Why, what's wrong?"


"You wanna switch?"


"Have you made friends?"


"Yeah-they call me DooLittle."


"Have you heard the new Lady Gaga song?"


"How could I?"


"If you call me later I'll play it for you."


I've decided that from now on I will only date prisoners.





WHY PRISONERS ARE BETTER BOYFRIENDS:


1) Appreciation
A Prisoner will never take you for granted.
You'll receive as much enthusiasm over one dirty letter as a Regular Boyfriend would show for a new Playstation (or an Italian Boyfriend would show for Prada).

2) Time
All meetings are on your terms. Never again will you be bullied into watching soccer or taken to dinner when he knows you're on a diet. Like this you come and go as you please and don't even need to shave!

3) Freedom
You can date other boys and he won't find out as long as they aren't in whatever gang he's had to join in the meantime.

4) Understanding
He will totally get how hard it is to be a girl after someone forces him to be their bitch. (No more arguments over why you should try it "in the butt.")

5) Excitement
The date of his release will give both of yall something to look forward to and when that happy day comes you can dump him for his cell mate.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

cafe kafka

Those who know me know I don't like being home. Ideally I'd sleep at bars and live in cafes-and I blame this on my Mom.


It was back when I was failing High School when Mom tried to make learning "Fun." She would take me to a bookstore/cafe so that I could study in public (where I belong) and reward my general bad behavior with coffee and chocolate.


Problem is most of the time we'd end up talking/reading gossip magazines until the place closed, leaving me only the option of studying during "class" the next day.


Today we took whatever work we needed to ignore to  Open Eye Cafe, where some guy asked me if he could draw me. Obviously I said yes, as seeing myself drawn is the first step to reaching my goal of becoming a cartoon character.


Also he was cute so I figured I'd try to impress him by taking out my emergency "Look-Smart Book" aka "The Metamorphosis and Other Stories" by Franz Kafka.


This is the perfect Image Enhancing Book. You don't actually have to read it (if someone asks you about it just say you've reached "the part about the bug") and it makes you attractive (implies you're an Existentialist aka Pro-Premarital Sex).


While he was drawing me I pretended to read "The Judgement."

Problem is Andy Warhol here took about 2 hours per eyebrow so "pretending to read" turned into "honestly reading" which turned into "reading again."

The story didn't make any Fing sense.

It's about some guy named Georg who's writing letters to his friend in Russia and isn't sure whether or not he should invite him to his wedding so he asks his Dad for advice (always a mistake) who ends up telling him to go drown to death so Georg goes out and does it.

I'm not sure what the "point" to this story is (nobody writes letters anymore so it's kind of irrelevant) but I am pretty sure it somehow paved the way to George Costanza.


Anyway, while my artist was working I asked my Mom [in Croatian, duh] what she thinks would be the funniest thing for him to end up drawing ("Mom-imagine you're writing for SNL and this is a sketch-what does he show me on the paper?").

Thursday, April 21, 2011

NC Mob Wife

After a few days back I already feel at home.

I've forgotten my Italian, replacing it with Southern Accent Skills ("Prego" means "pasta sauce," pronounced "Pray-Goh").


My [former] life in Italy is distant and abstract and the only "Milano" I know is a cookie.


I'm just more productive here.

So far I've been to a Nail Salon,


had a car accident (driving in platforms),


stalked my ex-boyfriends (they've gotten taller)


and caught up on Pop Culture.


Last time I was here I fell in love with Jersey Shore, which shaped my behavior and wardrobe for the following 7 months.


This time I am taken by Mob Wives.


Mob Wives is not just a reality show. It's a Serious Documentary starring Four Heroines who have been affected by the world of Organized Crime via love, family or both.





Living alone on the wealth of their imprisoned husbands and fathers, these women struggle to survive on a diet of botox, champagne and fist fights.


After one episode I was not only jealous but inspired.

The only thing stopping me from moving to Staten Island and marrying a Mobster myself is the fact that doing so would ruin the chances of reaching my current goal of Becoming a Lesbian.

So for now i'll just copy their style.


MOB WIVES - HOW TO FAKE IT


1) Year-Round-Fur




People who dress season-appropriate are as annoying as those who ride bikes. If you like animals your fur can be fake (actually looks better) but dont stop just because youre sweating; think of all the weight you'll lose.


2) All Gold Everything 




Mob Wives have millions of "Sanitation Dollars" to aid their luxury needs.

I, on the other hand, make as much money as a House Cat.

Real gold is out of the question but you can make some pretty convincing rings and teeth using foil candy wrappers.


3) Attitude Problem




These women know true style comes from within. Act the part via doing ~5 of these a day and you'll be halfway there:

1) F sister's husband
2) Take mother's jewelry
3) Pull hair
4) Burn down house
5) Lie to FBI
6) Steal dog
7) Disown daughter
8) Hire Hit Man
9) Sleep with Hit Man
10) Narc on Hit Man


4) Mad Men

The most important part-surround yourself with destructive, disrespectful men who will control your life and take everything you have.

For those still in Milan this won't be hard.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

late nostalgia

I wanted to post this like 3 weeks ago but forgot via being disabled with sadness via my friend Matthew leaving me alone in Milan and taking his friends with him.

Here's what the fabulous Karley from Slutever made during her stay with us:

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

sex with two guys

How can I introduce Matt George and Gabriel?

Twentysomething Lady Killers in the heart of North Carolina, both are notorious Seducers of Women.

Matt's the "trustworthy" one because he's sensitive [Gay] and Gabe is hot because he fixes cars.

Together they are the Ideal Man, so it's no surprise their new Podcast is called "Sex With Two Guys." 

I wanted to interview them via Skype and record it for yall, however that was made impossible by my hectic party schedule and Matt George throwing up all the time.

So I sent them the questions via Facebook and about a month later they gave me this:


Whatever.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

fly with style [just not your own]

I am obsessed with airports.

I would live in one if I could and plan on becoming a Flight Attendant after I finish college.


Being surrounded by strangers you'll never see again gives you the power to become anybody you want. That's why choosing your travel outfit is more important than bringing your passport.

Obviously you must show skin, not only to catch the Pilot's attention but to ease your way through Security (they don't need to put you through an x-ray scanner if they can already see everything).


You should also try to look famous. My friend Matthew told me he was able to cut in front of the check-in line here because he looked kind of like the model on the cover of this magazine he was carrying. (Italians think all black people look alike).


Anyway, you've got to choose your image before any flight.

Are you a Professional Woman going on a business trip,


a Mail-Order Bride escaping her husband,


a War Criminal fleeing the law


or an Adulteress meeting her lover?


Whatever you choose, live it, love it and play it to the fullest.

Because when you land in North Carolina you're just another 23 year old loser who hasn't even finished school.

flyer's guide to the gAAlexy

Though I travel often, I rarely do it right. I either forget my passport, lose my luggage or miss my flight.

This time will be different.

This time I won't pack clothes, as to ensure my ability to spend two weeks on a sofa watching Lifetime Television and petting my cat.



Nor will I bring any work I have, as that would defeat the purpose of my trip aka to escape my responsibilities.

What I am bringing, however, is Travel Gear.

Traveling abroad is a long, tedious experience; you must prepare wisely unless you want to die of boredom or find yourself talking to the person seated next to you.



TRAVELING TIPS 2011 - WHAT TO BRING




1) Literature


I usually avoid reading, as it is boring and distracts me from Facebook. However different rules apply when flying (no wifi).

There are only so many Cosmo Sex Tips you can read during a 13 hour flight until you are forced into watching 7th Heaven on a tiny screen that's 50 yards away from you. That's why you need books.










2) Music


The only point to traveling is having an excuse to cry in public. Even if you're going on holiday you should always make a scene.

Pack your iPod full of depressing songs and think negative thoughts. As the plane takes off, contemplate the place you're leaving, who you will miss, everything you've ruined and all you have lost.





Consider never coming back.





Imagine the plane crashing and how nobody will care and/or report your death on Facebok.




etc.


3) Refreshments


Airplane food is delicious. It should be sold in supermarkets, served in restaurants and fed to children at school.









Airplane beverages, however, are not.

The best thing about flying is getting trashed.



The altitude thins your blood so after a few shots you're ready to use the vomit bag and/or hit on the pilot. Unfortunately, American Airlines charge about $50.00 per cocktail and a "shot" of vodka comes in an eye-dropper so unless you want to blow your shopping money on booze I'd suggest you bring your own.


Just remember Security is tough on liquids so you must bring it in Solid Form.