Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Wireduh

Tomorrow I'm leaving for what will hopefully be my last year in Milan.



I kind of want to not live there anymore already but I still have to finish school (#willneverfinishschool). So I guess while I must, I'll make the most of it, via 


1) Making everyone jealz of my blonde hair,




2) Being a Sexy Sex Columnist.
By some strike of luck I've landed every girl's Dream Job, aka getting paid to tell the whole world about my most intimate vagina-oriented secrets and therefore never having a boyfriend again. 


Luckily I looove sharing too much information about everything and-let's face it-I'll probably stay single regardless. So the fact that I got this job I guess isn't so weird but what is weird is who hired me.Yall probably expect this column to be in some Underground Feminist Newspaper or Commie Porno Mag (I wish) but it's actually gonna be printed in the totally legit/scary Wired Italy.


And that's the problem.


First of all, Wired is a "technology" magazine and the only thing I know about that is that one iPod can't get music from two different computers, which, btw, is annoying. Like, usually when I don't know about something I just make shit up but I feeeel like They might check my 'facts.' 


My second problem is that whatever I write will be translated into Italian so it will therefore probably suck.


The language is completely devoid of humor.



And my biggest problem is that I won't even have a [current] sex life to reference! 


Like, why do yall think I wanna leave Italy?


I've already 'gotten to know' every cute (/ugly) guy in Milan. The only ones I haven't already dated have wives/boyfriends-not that that's stopped me before. Should I start seeing homeless guys? Where do Mob Men hang out?


Unfortunately yall can't find me guys to bang-but if anybody knows any websites/blogs about robots or something, please tell me?




Because I can only write about iPod masturbation so many times before I get Wired-Fired (lol).


Monday, August 29, 2011

gagasm

Those of yall who have ever ~Been In Love~ should know that it totally sucks. 


Suddenly you're missing parties, wearing less makeup, going to dinner (ew) and replacing your friends with a bunch of gross guys. In most cases you also end up watching sports-I've been lucky enough to avoid that.

Anyway what I'm trying to say is, no matter how "funny" they are or how cute they look on their skateboards, boyfriends, husbands, poolboys, whatever-are usually a total drag-unless, of course, they're in drag.


Lady Gaga's performance last night really Moved Me-I mean it made me cry-and not just because I'm on my period or saw how short she is without heels on.


Not only did Gaga make Britney uncomfs and have Bieber question his faith, 


she also gave hope to millions of girls who can't seem to find the Right Guy.


I told my Mom a few weeks ago that I'd be happiest with a Gay Man. And then I realized I don't like Madonna enough-so actually I'd be happiest with a Lesbian who goes through gender transformation surgery. That way I could do it w/a man's body but talk to the the brain of a girl (duh). 

My Mom was like "but wouldn't a girl who wants change her gender actually have the brain of a guy?" And I was like "whatevz."



Saturday, August 27, 2011

cum on irene

Hey yall! Feelin' drafty? I know I'm totally late on this, but I've been busy getting supplies-for those of yall not already evacuated/drowning, here's a list of what you need to get through this bitch of a hurricane:


IRENE SURVIVAL KIT APOCALYPSE 2011:


1) CANNED GOODS
a. Hairspray 
Wind = Bad hair, duh!
b. Spray Tan 
You're gonna be spending some time indoors.
c. Shaving Cream 
Becuz a hairy situation doesn't mean yall should be hairy.



2) WATER
And by "Water" I mean Waterproof Mascara. 


3) SHELTER
Via chic Transparent Raincoat.




4) TOOLS
In times like these yall can't expect professionals to help you! So stock up on your own nail polish, waxing kits and of course, syringes (botox, drugs).




5) MEDICINE
Tons of booze will make you feel like it's just you that's spinning!




Happy Hurricane Everyone!

Thursday, August 25, 2011

so you think you can sew

I've written about Sara [aka Perry Hotter] about about a million times now-mostly because I practically live with her and because she's totally amazing. Hilarious, hot and smart, Sara is the type of girl who always got good grades and had time to party-without needing to have affairs with her teachers or taking tons of speed. Which is impressive.


Anyway, today I started on my collection for the exam I have next month (I had all year to do this, good timing as usual) so obvz I came to her when I realized I don't know what I'm doing (for those of yall who haven't kept up, Sara goes to my school and is one year ahead of me so it's perfect via her giving me old exam info, etc).

Here's what I wrote her in our usual English/Croatian/Italian mix-it's not important to understand, you'll get the basic idea that I'm losing my shit and need her help desperately. 


Like, before I could get away with my sewing exams via just laying down on a huge piece of fabric, cutting it out around my body and gluing it together. But now we have to make our own patterns as well, and yall, that shit is a science (hate science). Luckily Sara, being her Speedy Slovenian Self, sent me all the info within 5 minutes-check this crap out:







Tell me these aren't calculus formulas/astrological maps!


Ugh! All this has got me thinking-and I think I'm pretty pissed!


Welcome to:


~THE FASHION STUDENT AFFLICTION~




1) False Hopes
I only went to Fashion School because I thought it would be easy-if I wanted to actually work on shit I would have studied Medicine-at least that way I'd get credit for "helping people" and could put "Dr." in front of my name! Fashion school is all the hard work but with none of the credit (literally everyone thinks Fashion students are total idiots-I even said so last week). I mean, really, what's the point?


2) Injustice
Architecture students don't have to build their own skyscrapers-why the HELL should I sew my own dress????


3) Treason
The reason why only Marangoni students get jobs after graduation is because:


1) they're all hot Swedish girls




and 2) they're taught not to do their own sewing! 


Marangoni students are encouraged to take their assignments to Chinatown and pay to get all the real work done (duh!)-that teaches them how it's gonna be in the industry and that is an unfair advantage.




~THE SOLUTION~




In light of all this I've decided that instead of spending my last week in America via pattern-making/sewing, I'm gonna spend it via creating a strong business plan-for what will be NABA's very first sweatshop!


With a sweatshop, NABA will finally get some recognition, going down in history as the first(?) Italian University to use this charming trend!


Not only will students get hands-on training in realistic Industry Scenarios (manipulating, stealing paychecks, exploiting people, etc) but I will be forever remembered in the hearts of all Fashion Scholars who will never again have to cry themselves to sleep on a ball of crumpled pattern paper, torn-up fabric and pins scattered on the floor-because from now on, thanks to me, someone else will do that for them. 

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

junkie poker

It's nice to know I can't take a break for a few goddamn days without yall freaking out.


But I promise that I had a reason!


Being home the past month I've been talking a lot with my mom about "my future" -- Namely how it means finishing school and supporting myself on my own. I promised her I'd really study this year and not take anymore "free" jobs. (I have a habit of working unpaid, thinking the "experience" alone will help me, not realizing that shit only "helps" if it's on an application for another job).


Anyway, with all this in mind I've been feeling kind of panicky and have had to review my options. Unfortunately I realized I'm not articulate enough to be an Anchorwoman, not funny enough for Stand-Up and am so far behind in my studies that I will never get my degree.


And that's why I'm gonna start Gambling.


Few things in this world are chicer than poker, and those things go with it hand-in-hand.


Like, can you name anything hotter than a chain-smoking, Italian Suit-wearing, cash-throwing Gambling Gangster? Poker Players are the ultimate bad-boys, the russian roulettes of men! And duh, they're usually rich.


And that's not all-what about the glamorous women playing in long, red dresses, holding their cards with diamond-filled hands, winking at men across the table between puffs of their Menthol 100s?


Poker is where rude boys meet fast girls, alcoholics meet cash. It's fun, it's sexy and most of all, cool. It's old-school without the irony and it all reeks of delicious cigars! That's why Poker is the best solution to all my [future] financial problems.


The only problem with this plan is that I don't know how to play-yet. That's why I've decided to practice online before trying my luck in Vegas. After searching and searching and searching the "web" (just try to watch True Blood on Megavideo and ads will pop up on their own), I've finally found my favorite online poker site (I even love the name)!


I can totally see myself getting addicted to Pokerjunkie, and we all know I looooove addictions. Really, there are tons of perks to playing poker online. You can screw up in the privacy of your own home (nobody will kill you) and also meet tons of guys (It must double as a dating site)! Best of all, when I cum back to Italy I'll feel right at home in their US poker rooms!


Just watch- by this time next year I'll have a hot poker boyfriend, tons of money and confidence for the Casinos (I hope I'll also be thinner).

Friday, August 19, 2011

sugarteen

The US Elections are coming up and times like these are hard.

Hard to know who to trust with your reproductive rights, your money problems, or your physical health. It can be scary. But I'm here to help.

Let's face it, yall: Teenagers know everything.
They're tortured, anxious and ahead on every trend, ranging from fashion to tumblr. So it's no surprise that I turned to a Euro Teen Queen for some current advice-specifically about Online Dating.

Recently financial-relationship dating sites have been all over the news. Seems like people wanna cut out the bullshit and just make it clear they only want you for the bucks-lucky for them, there's tons of people willing to pay for love (just make sure it's mutual so you don't end up with jackass here).

Anyway, my friend, who will go by the name "Sina M." has been working dating sites for all they're worth-finding suckers on OKCupid and taking them to Skype, sometimes getting money and sometimes falling in love-with that money.

I ask her the deets and she shares some of her impressive convos:


"What do you look for in an internet man?"

"I can turn pretty much everything/everyone into an object of worship; my fetishes from the past include red beards, French choir boys, doctors, sk8er bois, Russians, anything including authority (teachers, etc)."


"Hot. So who do you usually meet?"

"I met with two guys from my city on subsequent saturdays, I emptied both their house bars and tried to explain why I'm actually not sexually interested in them the next morning. I met some cool internet friends on OKC who were definitely worth signing up because they are sooo inspiring/complementing spirits. I have some unrequited transatlantic crushes. I signed up in a fetish forum a while ago (dominant teen girl nom de plume: Kitty Kapow) but all I got were requests to make videos of crashing matchbox cars with my feet."


"Are you really a "sugarbaby," or are you just broke (/bored)?"

"Actually I'm just broke. Once I had a German pen pal who gave me money. I was 14-16 and it was on an absolutely non-sexual basis; I presume he tried to "buy" my friendship. It was pretty cool."

"I looove when people do that! Sounds like a lot of this is "unromantic"- is there anyone you're actually interested in?"

"I met a 38 year old guy from the US for whom I may become an Au Pair/clean and help him get new customers for his mushroom selling business, unfortunately I can't afford the plane tickets :( We skype sometimes but it's tough because of the time zone difference. Maybe I should earn some money doing dom stuff-I was in contact with one from my city, but she said she won't take me till I'm at least 21."

"At least there's no age limit to manipulating men."

"I'm not sure; I'm often blamed for being a tease, and as long as I'm young enough I (unintentionally) try to work this Lolita thing out, I guess."

"Give me your top 5 dating tips."

"1- Obviously, avoid eating on a first date, especially not tricky stuff like spaghetti. Avoid movies, as well. 2- Choose your underwear wisely. Ugliest cotton pants from the very back of your drawer if you want to remind yourself to avoid getting laid when wasted; lingerie for the aesthetics. Also, pantyhose vs. suspenders-even in winter try to keep in mind that sexyness is more important than UTI. 3- Bring out the booze. 4- Don't talk about former dates. Act like you just life for the moment and you'd never dare to compare him to any other men (LOL). 5- Have a plan up your sleeve just in case he's a total drag. Like your friend giving birth or something."




Thursday, August 18, 2011

comedienne

So this is kind of an extension of yesterday's post because it's about how I will get famous enough to eventually have clothing brands paying me off to not shame them.


Last night I watched "A Piece of Work," the Joan Rivers documentary.






Before this I only knew Joan as the woman who made fun of people at red carpet events. I kind of figured she was somebody's ex-wife and got the gig as settlement.


Anyway after 5 mins of this I realize she was/is this brilliant comedienne (that word is so dumb, not using it again) this brilliant comedian who talked about sex and abortions back when people got killed for whispering the word "vagina."



And she's still totally hilarious.





I know now what I need to do. 




I love "performing" and being the center of attention-that's why you'll find me dancing on the bar of whatever party/wake I'm attending and why I don't have any friends. 


I've always wanted to be in the "spotlight" but I'm a terrible singer (the one time I did karaoke w/my friend Nono we got literally thrown into the streets and not just because we were throwing up everywhere), a hopeless actress (6th grade school play I was cast as a reindeer for an xmas show, fucked it up) and don't have the boobs to strip. So this is actually kind of perfect.


And if (when) I fail at this, at least it will be funny (haha). 


Would yall watch me?

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

abercrombie&bitch

As a kid I remember my teenage sister crazy for Abercrombie&Fitch. Her and my cousin would flock to the store where sweaty adolescents would fight over overpriced cotton tees and tiny ripped up jean shorts. In high school, the pretty girls who played field hockey wore A&F hoodies to keep warm in the intense air conditioning of our classrooms and showed off their toned virgin legs in checkered minis. The brand represented youth, sex, beauty, fun, sex, fitness, sex.




Last summer I bought my Italian roommate an Abercrombie&Fitch hoodie because the brand had arrived in Milan-and hit big-Mothers and daughters stood outside the store for hours waiting to catch a glimpse of the slutty male models folding shirts. The hoodie cost me 20 bucks-in Italy it's 100. Little did my roommate know that these days, there are two reasons for an American to visit an Abercrombie store:


1) Tripping on House Music


2) Using the toilet


That's why this news shocked me:




Abercrombie, I hate to break this to yall but, the J.S. crew IS your fans! The only people who wear yalls stuff are Guido Italians and/or their grandmas-No amount of child-pornographic advertisements will ever change that! Anyway, this ordeal got me thinking-thinking that The Situation will get TONS of money/Gym Memberships just to avoid something-and that makes me jealous! I'm sure there are plenty of brands I'd "misrepresent" easily-I've just gotta choose one to focus on when I get famous. Then I'll just have to sit back and wait for the scandalous money to come.




BRANDS TEA WILL SHAME WHEN SHE BECOMES FAMOUZ:




1) Chanel
Ugh, do people still wear this? It's an easy brand to embarrass-if Karl is still alive by the time I get my hands on the stuff, it won't be for long. The only problem is it's too expensive (I'll spend all my money on drugs). Maybe I'll stick to the fakes
.






2) Versace
Oh, but Donatella would loooooooooooooooooooove me!






3) Top Shop
I feel like I've done enough for this brand's male models to be on their good side forever.






4) Tommy Hilfiger
Yeah they would totally hate me (they hate black people and I have a black friend). Problem is their clothes are only good for ironic 90s parties and wiping your butt.




(My black friend, wearin Tommy).




5) H&M
Well I don't know how I can shame a brand that's already so shameful.








6) Zara
Last winter I went to Zara to "window shop" while waiting for a date. I ended up buying two dresses without looking at the price and without trying them on. 200 Euros later, I had a leopard-print dress that was too big for me and a leather one I couldn't wash (I somehow get ketchup on everything and I don't even eat). Anyway I hemmed the leopard dress and now it's way to short #duh.




(I have two black friends).




7) American Apparel
I used to be really upset they never asked me to model for them. Then I realized it's cuz their models all have long hair. Yeah, wtf, right? Giving all my AA shit away. (Also can't BELIEVE yall never advertised with me you losers and you wonder why you're going bankrupt).






8) Margiela
Does anybody understand why people love this shit so much? If I wanted to wear my dad's shirts, my stockings on my head and not brush my hair for a year, I would. 




(*Rolls Eyes*)




9) Acne
I used to hate Acne because it seemed like a brand rich northern kids wear to bed. Then my friend gave (stole) me a pair of their leggings and, well, I wear them to bed.






10) Dolce&Gabbana
LOL this brand could never be shamed-they represent literally anybody who is into their lacy, racy "high class" shit-and that's why they're cool. I also love them because literally any fashion student anywhere thinks they suck,, which must mean something because fashion students are idiots. Maybe I won't get them to pay me to not wear their stuff-maybe I'll ask for stuff gratis? What do yall say?



Sunday, August 14, 2011

chick lit

I try to avoid getting sick in Italy. 

Their "Free Healthcare" is mafia-funded, the Nurses wash their hands in tomato sauce and no matter what you say, the Doctors give you advice I'd only expect from my Croatian Grandmothers:

"I have a fever." 

"Avoid cold drinks."

"My ears are bleeding." 

"Don't wash your hair."

"My leg is swollen."

"Wear socks."



That's why I save my sickness for America. The past few summers here I've suffered swine flu, emergency surgery and even skinnyfat-and this summer is no exception. I've been in bed the past few days with symptoms webMD tells me are either related to Asthma or AIDS-and I think I'm also hallucinating. 

But I'm happy because I'm here with my parents and I've finally had time to watch TV. 


I caught up on Jersey Shore (really sad they chose Florence over Milan; could have finally had some friends there), Russian Dolls (my future) and obviously the Kardashians.




I really love the K gurls because they represent everything a family should be-full of money/dysfunctional marriages and centered around an ass.


Speaking of which, the gurls are coming out with a novel-and it's about time!


According to Kim's blog, the book will be about the sisters' real lives mixed with extra fictional details to add a little spice-this way the readers can figure out for themselves what's true and what's not! And that's not the only way readers are involved-the gurls even let them pick out the title! 






I think the Kardashian sisters represent the future of Literature. I've pre-ordered 10 copies from Amazon and personally can't wait to wonder if their makeup advice, party pix (there will be pictures) and incest sex stories are real! 




Till then gonna catch up with as many episodes as possible and hope whatever disease I have makes me illiterate.