Thursday, September 29, 2011

Lez Whateverz

Yall I'm finally back in Paris w/my Russian Doll and so far we're having fun! Being a great host as uzual, she took me sightseeing to American Apparel/Starbucks after which we went to see Matthew play at some mayj club opened by David Lynch (wrote Gone W/The Wind, Clueless). We're told the ~theme~ of the club is "Mulholland Drive" which makes sense because we had tons of lesbo experiences all night w/Lindsay Lohan and Coco Chanel.



Tuesday, September 27, 2011

PARKS AND RECREATION

Filip and I have decided to start a magazine, become famous performance artists and get sponsored by Tavernello #staytuned

video

Monday, September 26, 2011

DSquoldiers

I think I've told yall already I live across the street from a 
~Military School For Boys~
Boys that I am obsessed with-because not only are they cute (they are soooo cute) but they soothe me with their marching, give me a reason to get out of bed and always supply me with fantasies-so we're basically in a relationship. The only problem is we've never met. So when I heard DSquared would be having their show inside the Academy I had to find a way in. And I did, thanx to this guy!


The backstage was boring, as usual, save for this Sexy Bleeding Slovenian,

video

so after eating some diet cookies and watching models brush their hair I decided to stalk find my Men.

video

These [old] guys were happy to pose for pix and answer my questions, like, "do yall know I'm stalking you?" and "where are all the boys?" They told me the "kids" are working but they'll introduce me to them when I want-"Just ring us any morning and we'll have you over for coffee."


Great, see yall tomorrow! 

Sunday, September 25, 2011

#overit

I've been complaining updating yall about my Health-Related Shoe Struggles for the past ~9 months but I'll recap for those who forgot: In January I started having Mysterious Leg Issues my Doctor/Mom thought were associated with the fact that I have been walking/sleeping in high heels for the past few years. So after having an emotional breakdown/identity crisis


I slowly weaned myself off of them-only wearing heels when I Go Out-which is fine in theory but mostly just made me Lose Practice so when I went to London last week I ended up falling in platforms and twisting my ankle so now I'm swollen and bruised and have a limp when I walk and not in the Kreayshawn way. Considering that, this week I've actually Partied in flat shoes-and by "partied" I mean Fashion Week Partied-aka was the shortest stumpy girl in a room of chic, tall, starving trannies-and surprisingly the results were awesome.

I don't get any straight-male attention in Milan regardless of my ~Fashion~ but I was pretty worried what the gays/girls would say-so you can imagine my relief when getting more compliments than ever-"you look OK from across the room."


Anyway, I've decided that Heels Are Over, it's better to be Cool than Hot and stealing bottles of vodka is easier when you can run away without falling.


Friday, September 23, 2011

stalker pt 2-the meeting

In addition to my mayj long eyelashes and extensive knowledge of the X-Files series I think one of my finest qualities is my proneness to obsession.

Like when I buy a new lipstick color I shape my wardrobe around it, when I  like a popstar I base my personality on the advertisement for whatever moisturizer they endorse and when I have a crush on a boy I devote all of my time to stalking and crying about him and building a shrine of his face in my closet or whatever. And the same thing goes for Gays.

I looooove falling for Gay Boys because my relationships with them usually involve me getting makeovers, fashion advice and tips on how to use lube. And I sometimes do legit fall in love with them which obviously always ends tragically and is therefore totally chic.

Anyway, thanks to internet creeping, I finally hung out with Polish Superstar and Facebook Hate-Crime Victim Filip Adrian Dziegielewski who has been previously featured in this video of him eating ice cream in our school's cafeteria.


I'm sure Filip and I are meant for each other because we have tons of things in common like difficult last names, a preference for professors and habit of being featured in sketchy magazines via sketchier photographers, usually without our permission. We've always run in the Wrong Circles, only not yet together-and I'm glad that's going to change. Because, when Filip isn't busy shoplifting cheese from the supermarket and eating Burger King flavored chips or drawing weird pictures of Marc Jacobs he spends most of his time pAArtying so is obvz gonna be a positive influence on me!


I said I was gonna say "NO" to Fashion Week but if it involves getting trashed with Cubans, crashing Fendi parties and harassing stuck-up Russians then I guess it's ok.

PS- Sorry Daytona, don't be jealz <3

Thursday, September 22, 2011

JUST SAY NO YO

So telling by how much fatter I feel than usual in comparison to the Ladies walkin the streets I can tell yall that it's either 1) the day before my period or 2) Milan Women's Fashon week.

And honestly-who cares? I remember when I used to be excited, but not having had sex in 4ever and changing my homepage from Style.com to Facebook, I'm just like "whatever"- to BOTH.

Here are my cool ways to say "No" to Fashion Week, inspired by this middle school gem I obviously should have paid more attention to.



BE COOL AND JUST SAY NO! 
MILAN WOMEN'S FASHION WEEK EDITION 

1) An event for Fendi? They ain't even TRENDY!

2) The front row, you're sitting? You've GOTTA be kidding!

3) Gucci, you're sayin? Bitch you must be PLAYIN'.

4) You say it's a party? I say I feel FARTY.

5) That Prada show? Your all-time LOW.

6) I'm crying right now somebody help me please.


Wednesday, September 21, 2011

pretend you live in a different country you don't actually live in

Since back from London I seem to be going through some kind of Quarter-Life-Crisis which involves me deciding that I hate everybody and throwing away anything that reminds me of Stuff I Want To Forget-so now I live in an empty room and don't have any friends.

Let's face it yall, if I wanna make it through my Last Year Here [alive] I've got to organize my time wisely and set some realistic goals.

Milan-The Dramatic Depressed Girl's Survival Guide 2011:

1) Sleep
I used to be pretty against sleep because it interfered with my party schedule and kept me from achieving my Junkie Aesthetic. However when your reality is something you want to ignore and when you're too broke to support a hardcore drug habit, REM is the only way. Stay in bed every chance you get and don't get out for less than money or a date with a soldier.


2) Travel
I'm trying to think of Milan as a storage place for my shoes while I wander off to other countries, preferably those without any phone lines or internet service or return tickets.


3) Fun
If yall find that here let me know.


4) Distractions
Today I decided to sign up for Netflix so I can spend any waking minute behind my computer screen watching melodramatic films about girls who hate themselves. But:


5) Self-Improvement
Lots of people didn't recognize me with my new hair and by "lots of people" I mean the old guy that works at the print shop. I've decided to invent an alter-ego to do my daily bidding for me while my subconscious sits back and wallows in self-pity. My alter-ego will be much like Sasha Fierce only with less hair extensions/dancing skills.


6) Socializing




Sunday, September 18, 2011

Saturday, September 17, 2011

beautiful people

chica

Just sittin here £blogging£ while Matthew takes pictures of beautiful naked boys or whatever.

I'm supposed to be doing some "backstage coverage" for fashion week but the guy I'm working with texted me this morning like "I cant come today I'm vomiting in a park" so I'm considering just turning my phone off and running away w/his camera.
 
Untitled from Tea Hacic on Vimeo.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

hoodratz

Hey yall I have like five minutes to write before Matthew drinks all the prosecco so here's real quick what's happened so far in London:

I went to tesco, fell in love with like 50 guys, ruined my hair,


had my Italian phone cut off because I forgot to pay my bills in Milan, bought a shitty English phone which is actually better than most expensive Italian phones (it's stolen), hung out w/a cute skater who has a broken knee or something and decided that when I finish school I'm opening a skate shop. And then I saw this show and decided I wanna work at a gas station instead.

video



Sunday, September 11, 2011

shoez cluez

Hey Yall! Just droppin in to say I'm gonna be the worst blogger evz until like mid October via having exams and going to London then Paris then Slovenia and Croatia (my life is really hard). I'll try to update when I can but I'll probably be too busy trying to forget shit. Here's what I've done this weekend though-this dress I wanted to dye neon yellow but I bought the wrong color so now it just kinda looks like I peed on it. Whatevz.





Also gotta make shoes before wednesday? If yall can help let me know xx







Thursday, September 8, 2011

ME & DAVID

Great news, yall-My BF and I are official!!!


After weeks of fighting, stalking and sending passive-aggressive texts, David finally agreed to go public-so this video is like our version of being "in a relationship" on Facebook because we can't do that because he blocked me last month. 




Love you, David-you were born this way [mine]!

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

PERMESSO DI SCIOPERO

Aside from Fake Prada and buffalo cheese my favorite thing about Milan is the surprises.


Every year I have to renew my Permit To Stay and every year I forget it's annoying. You've gotta fill out a thousand pages of information about your name, birth date, marital status (thanx for reminding me), email address, weight, facebook account, tumblr password, sexual history, ex-boyfriend's hand size, and your deepest childhood secret. You also need a statement from your bank (depressing), copies of your passport (lost), health insurance (whatz that) and an official letter from your school or job which implies you aren't a criminal-and therefore have a reason to stay in this godforsaken land. 


Because Italian criminals don't want foreign competition.


(Don't look @ my wrinkles)

When you finish you must send it all in with a 14 Euro stamp and your most prized possession and wait for an appointment with the police. A few months later you will be called in at Sunrise on a Sunday, on your Birthday on Christmas, so you can get assigned another appointment for fingerprints. Then you have an affair with a police officer, trade your firstborn for a television and get your Final Call-when, a few years later, you finally get a card that expires in a few days. 




(Meet Mz. Fly, my only friend-aside from Mr. Spider) :




Anyway, today I started this shit again and headed to the Post Office. Only, after walking from the Duomo to Bovisa to Pta Genova to my Haus to California Bakery back to American Apparel and seeing that all the POs are closed, I realized what I should have assumed, which is Italy's striking again.




I swear every other day here either the trams, hospitals, police stations or government aren't working due to "scioperos"- and I think that's pretty chic. In fact, I'm scioperoing myself from now on-cuz till my school starts paying me more my ass ain't showin up.


Monday, September 5, 2011

SUGAR BOMB

After drowning in self-pity, sorrow and misery, realizing that even old men can act like braindead babies, and somehow surviving the most pathetic few days of my life-something good has finally happened-and it wasn't Sara retouching my roots.



For those of yall who haven't read my Wired Column yet (I asked if I could post the English version here but got no response), this summer I researched [signed up for] a new dating site called SugarSugar, which caters exclusively to "Sugar Babies" seeking "Sugar Daddies" and vice versa. I like the site because it's like a glamorous version of Prostitute meets Financial Slave and unlike some dating sites, doesn't screen your photos!


I was a bit disappointed to not have any stalkers till now, however this site is location-based and we all know Italian men spend all their money on pasta. So finding one willing to buy me "gifts"-as I requested on my profile-might be hard:


Anyway today I got some messages-and I'm excited-but I'm new to all of this, yall, and I don't know what to think: 


Should I be put off by the fact that he "prefers not to" state his marital status? Or does that just make him mysterious? Also is 29 old enough to be a Sugar Daddy? Like, Richard Gere in Pretty Woman (what this is obvz based on) at least had wrinkles/grey hair!! Still, this pic Pancrazius ~took himself~ is really artistic and I'm kinda jealz already of the lady digging her fingers into his Totally Wealthy Back. I just hope that by a "few extra pounds" he means the British Kind ;)


Meanwhile, Fric likes the "energy" in my photos and would like to meet me in Rome:


I think it's cool he's holding USDs in his self-portrait, must be trying to appeal to my American Side! Wonder what his face looks like. Nice hands, though. And 34 is a better age.




But 75,000 won't cut it. 

Saturday, September 3, 2011

homecoming queen

"I'm a bad frieeeeeend!" I sob.


"Calm down."  


"I'm sorry I ruined your night." 


I look up at Sara. She's holding me like a cat. I haven't seen her in months and just barged into her apartment in a sad, drunk, panicked crisis. She strokes my hair.


"It's ok."


"I'll stop crying."


"You don't have to."


"I'm gonna throw up."


I run to the bathroom and hit her door.


"Watch your head!"


Between hugging the toilet and choking on tears I spot a blanket in the dirty laundry. With all the strength I have, I wrap it around myself and decide to sleep on the floor.


"Get up, Tea. I've made my bed for you." 


Berlusconi may be leaving Italy-but I'm ready for another year-of shitty drama, feeling terrible and making my friends take care of me.


"I'm glad I'm back."


"Me too."