Monday, October 31, 2011

PS- HELP ME, 911

A friend told me the other day that my blog looks "too cheap" and I think he might be right. I mean, I want it to look cheap in a chic way, not "a 9 year old made it" way, unless that 9 year old is Tavi. Can someone please help me? How can I make Crumpets more Chanel? Are any of you good at this kind of thing? Should I also change my banner? Replace the background with pictures of him? : 



Help me guys please!!!


wifi cats and boyfriends

So basically tonight I'm a cat. 


The people at work decided to wait till 5 am this morning to inform me that tonight I need to wear a costume so I had like five minutes to find something. I actually think this is pretty chic though, I might make the cardboard part into a mask. I would model it for yall but I don't really wanna get kicked out of California Bakery for indecent exposure and no, I can't take pix at home because home I have no more internet! Can yall imagine? Obviously I forgot to renew my contract so I'll probz be without it all month. Which is actually kind of exciting because it means I will spend less time stalking people online and more time doing it For Real.

Also I think being disconnected will make me more attractive. Ignorance really is bliss! Like, last night I went on a date with a boy (a real one-I know) who was shocked I don't know anything about The World Wars or where Africa is or whatever but meanwhile he's never even heard of David Bowie or the Clash or F'ing Bob Dylan!

"Is he an Actor?"

"Are you stupid?"

"Well you don't know when America was discovered and you're American!"

"Why the HELL would I wanna know that? Anyway in High School I was too busy being cool to learn."

"Being cool?"

"Yeah, like, skipping class and going to concerts and stuff."

"I've never been to a concert."

The thing is, because we both seem so Dumb to each other, we fell completely in love. I mean he's basically the Man Of My Dreams and he's probably proposing later this week. 

Friday, October 28, 2011

PREGNANCY TIPS 2012

So basically everybody is pregnant now. Like at least a billion of my friends are knocked-up. Which is cool because that makes me the "skinny one" but it's also kinda annoying when they want help. A very close GF I used to live with in NC kept calling me this summer asking for advice on how to get through being pregnant without falling into a deep dark depression or whatever and all I could say was "Abortion Clinic." I mean. As far as I'm concerned my Uterus's only purpose is to make me moody, cramped, eventually induce hot-flashes and hopefully stay as empty as Berlusconi's conscience forever. 


Anyways-being sooo far behind in gossip via deciding to stop reading Perezhilton (he's a Bully), I only NOW saw Beyonce's new Trailer-Trash Music Video. And I have to say it's brilliant. Not only is it full of mayj new makeup and hair trends, it's also ~bursting~ with Beyonce's step-by-step rules for a Healthy Famouz Pregnancy: 






PREGNANCY TIPS 2012: THE BEYONCE BABY


1) MORAL SUPPORT


Being preggers means needing someone to tie your shoes for you because your ankles are swollen and so are you so you actually can't even see your feet. You need someone you can trust-someone who won't judge you-someone like a Drug-Dealing Gang$ter.

2) PREPARATION 




Get familiar with toxic toys and mostly how they taste. The family that poisons together stays together.


3) SAFETY


Keep your fetus as close to open flames and large bodies of water as possible.



4) NUTRITION




I mean basically anything orange is full of Vitamin C.


5) FITNESS




Tone your butt by doing squats against a moving stolen car.


6) PREVENTION




Keep morning-sickness under control by living on your toilet. 


7) HEALTH




Because if you get wasted enough you'll forget all about it.



Thursday, October 27, 2011

RIP Finalcut

So in light of (dark of?) working this weekend/monday Filip and I celebrated Halloween yesterday via buying the most ~expensive~ pink Tavernello, going to an Art Exibition to stalk a professor I'm maybe in love with and then to a bar to stalk a Romanian guy I'm kind of in love with too. The bar is called "Planet 50," and it's basically a mix of the "Oops I Did It Again" video and S.A.R.S. They serve little cardboard squares of pizza and think it's really embarrassing when a cute blonde Croatian girl is dancing and leans on something and actually somehow falls and takes half of the bar down with her? Whatever. We couldn't afford costumes so we just went as Craigslist Ads. Also we wanted to watch Scary Movies but I spent any time we had around computers trying to figure out why FinalCut sucks so much more than iMovie. I'm literally never using it again.

video

Happy Halloween, Yall. I hope you have lots of fun but please don't tell me if you do because I will be jealz and de-friend you. 

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

HALLOWEEN PRISONER APOCALYPSE 2012

So I just found out I'm working all Halloween Weekend + Halloween Night which is great because I'll avoid whatever terrible parties I would have let myself be dragged to and will earn money instead of spending it all on candy and candy-flavored liquor but also it's totally depressing because that means I probably won't bother with a costume.  And if I do, it will be this:


(Actually it probably will be, considering where I work)


Monday, October 24, 2011

rosemary's blogger

I feel like I've been neglecting Crumpets lately because I have but It's just that I have so much crap to do now like make videos for school, write articles about sex, watch Two Broke Girls, experiment with instant noodles and work at my "New Job" all while wearing underwear as clothes and trying to choose the perfect Halloween Costume! It's pretty exhausting, honestly. I'll have some fun stuff to share with yall soon but meanwhile if you've ever wondered what I look like when I walk in a straight line towards a camera while wearing a fur hat in different places in Milan, here's this:


video





Thursday, October 20, 2011

COMIXCOSTUME2011

Soon I will be spending my Fourth Halloween in Milan. Which is depressing because 1) I'm four years older than when I got here and still haven't gotten famous (or even finished school, sorry Mom) 2) I've missed years of my Favorite Holiday! Halloween is kind of a joke here-nobody wears costumes and the only Tricks being done are via the men/women on Romolo street corners (#onlysomeofyouwillgetthis). I've realized the people/parties here will never make Halloween good-the only fun I can have is getting as dressed-up as possible. Like last time, when I was a Diner Girl.



My milkshake brought no boys to the yard, got spiked w/mdma.



This year I've decided to be A Comic Book Gurl, inspired by Yulia making a comic about me!




Yulia noticed in her research that there are "no comic books for girls," because most are made by men and therefore only feature female characters as "Sexy Damsels," "Sexy Villains," "Sexy Victims," "Sexy Zombies," "Sexy Aliens," "Sexy Heroes" or "Sexy Sex Symbols."  




Of course there are reasons behind Why Most Comics Are For Men (#whitemansworld #ovariesarecrying) but that discussion's worth like another million blog posts so let's just stick to my point. For Halloween 2011, I wanna be a Cliche Comic Book Gurl, and yall have to help me choose which:



HALLOWEEN COSTUMES 2011 COMIC BOOK EDITION:

1) Betty


Of course I prefer Veronica-but now that I'm a #hotblonde my team has been chosen for me.


2) Catwoman




Any excuse to hide your face is a good one.


3) Tank Girl




AKA "going as myself."


4) That girl who got turned into a really annoying film character in a really terrible movie based on a comic book I won't admit to once totally loving




5) G-Girl




Who the hell are you? Probably based on Jungle Girl or something, done in watercolor? That's cool because it means I can get my makeup wet via crying by the end of the night because whatever duct tape I'm wearing as "clothing" is giving me a rash.


6) STORM




Any excuse to wear drag is a good one.


7) Lois Lane




Should I go #BackToBlack?


8) Sally




I actually kind of hate her.


9) DeeDee




Yeah I know she was a cartoon character first so it "doesn't count" but she's amazing so whatever.


10) GAGA




LOL, Duh!


Ok I'm leaving out tons but lately I've been trying to sleep at least 14 hours a night (#depression) so I'll have to stop here-but please please send more ideas!!! (teahacic@gmail.com if your idea is ~chosen~ I'll take lol pics for you and stuff) x




PS: I know my nerdier smarter readers are wondering why I didn't go for any Daniel Clowes characters and the answer is 1) because I said I wanted to be "cliche" and 2) because I'm so obsessed with him that I'm afraid I'd F it up. 

Sunday, October 16, 2011

THE BLONDE SANDWICH

I've been told that "good artists borrow ideas and great artists steal them," which I guess is true, because @AnnaDelloRusso has totally been copying me on her blog via spying on my old Facebook profile pictures. 


Gurl if you need tips just text me!



Anywayz, looking through her stuff reminded me that my blog needs a total re-vamping. I mean, I'm blonde now, my banner should be blonde, too, right? 



I think the Blonde Salad is so Innovative. She's basically the future of fashion and feminism, as her boyfriend only exists to take photos of her and she wears clothes that are actually totally unavailable to the general public. 


Bryan Boy's banner is pretty chic too. It's like, Minimal and Classy. The only thing I'd suggest to change is the font-to Comic Sans.


Actually, what am I saying? We all know there really is only One Blog


Perez is really great because he goes out of his way to make people feel really good about themselves via drawing "ambiguous white spots" on their faces and pointing to flaws and calling them fat losers and stuff.


I don't know which banner to choose guys can yall help me out?

LEMME BACKSTAGE YOU

Hey yall! Sorry I haven't been writing much lately, I've been really busy making crappy videos of Gay Boys in my bedroom. Yesterday Alex came over to help me with my latest "project."  I'll edit/finish it this week but meanwhile wanted to show yall some "backstage footage." If you pay attention, you'll hear us talking at one point about how "sad" something makes us, which I accidentally caught on tape. What we are referring to is our reaction to watching Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance" video together (we needed to reference it for the shoot, obviously) and remembering how much has changed since we first saw it. Back then we were young, innocent and full of hope-we had dreams and smoother skin-we were excited about the world, our future and Plastic. And now, what do we have?

video

Just cross-dressing in bedrooms.


Thursday, October 13, 2011

AND HE'S NOT EVEN CUTE AND HE'S NOT EVEN A TRANNY

YALL WTF!


Just when I thought I couldn't take any more bad news after discovering Ashton cheated on Demi with someone other than me, Lady Gaga goes out and F's the biggest loser EVZ! Like, 1) look at his shoes 2) look at his head 3) everyone knows that guys with blue eyes are untrustworthy 4) they've only been dating for like a minute and she's already growing out her bush.


Wednesday, October 12, 2011

web + co

So my last  ~model interview~ was recently published on Swide: 



and watching it made me nostalgic-I haven't been around Talking Biceps in a while, aside from the guy on my street who sells paninis-but he always smells like mozzarella, which is only hot when I'm starving (#always). Anyways, here's Sam basically proposing to me and me being like "Sorry David Gandy already put a ring on it but you can be my secret lover."



After seeing this I obvz had to go back and obsess over re-watch my other interviews and in doing so, I read some pretty major comments, which I'd like to address here.


When did Youtube watchers get so smart? I feel like finally someone ~gets me~ and yes, I agree, I should work for the Oscars, I'm just waiting for Hollywood's call.


Monotone? You've obvz never watched/based your entire life/personality on Daria. So I kinda feel bad for you.


;@)


 Aww, not only do I have fans, but I seem to also have stalkers! #howdidyouknow 

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

bruno sars

So last night I went out in search of canned vegetables and ended up at the Bruno Marz party. Dolce&Gabbana hosted it at their GOLD club/restaurant/dungeon, where everyone was given fake glasses at the door. I think this was D&G's way of saying "yall should read."


Anyways, I won't say much about the party itself because I'm sure you'll read about it on whatever new 19 year old Marangoni student's tumblr but I will say that the best part was the television in the toilet. Which is where I spent most my time.

video

Saturday, October 8, 2011

the night we missed the peaches show because we're homeless losers

Peaches led me through two years of Mountain Living in Boone, NC, back when I wore jeans and sneakers, bathed in snow, was in love with a Skater and hung out with Smart Girls who wear sweaters and don't ever shave. In retrospect, those were two of the best years of my life and therefore Peaches will always be special. But it wasn't till last night that I had a chance to see her, playing at Tunnel Club in Milan. My friend Filip agreed to go with me.


We were both pretty exited about her all day, even in the morning when we had to do a photoshoot in a cave in a hotel room in Torino and especially in the evening, when we had drinks at Pravda (I asked them for a job, should I work there?) and eventually at Filip's place, where we had to make a pitstop to listen to Lady Gaga and change into something #couture, aka a blanket as a coat for Filip and a China Town t-shirt for me (not pictured).

video

Anywayz, by midnight we decide to take Bus 90 to Tunnel which Filip assures me will only be "a thousand stops." (Note: only those of yall in Milan will understand what Bus 90 means-the rest of yall should just imagine a cross between Silence of the Lambs, Final Destination and the Godfather II). We bring a bottle of Pink Drink with us, sit down and get cozy, excited for our night ahead. I put my head on his shoulder.


Two hours later.


I wake up to the loud caughing of a man, the screaming of a lady and a pain in my head. I turn to find Filip. He's still beside me, holding my hand, head hanging like that of a Junkie-and when I nudge him awake, he says,


"I want to die inside."


So we get off the bus, take a taxi home and decide to call it a night. We decide we not only saw Peaches but we met her, gave her some makeup tips and were invited back to her place. We'll be touring with her in Japan next year and are currently working on our tracks for her album. Also we've decided being homeless ain't so bad.


But being alcoholic is.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

from paris w/cream

My last few days in Paris have been kind of major and by major I mean majorly traumatic-I basically left Yulia and Daytona in tears today-and not just cuz I've stolen their clothes. 
The truth is we've all had the #BestWeekEver and it's kinda hard leaving that for #ReaLife.
Anyways yesterday was kinda interesting because I wanted to see the Eiffel Tower but Yulia was in class and Daytona was looking at himself in the mirror so I had to go alone so I obviously got lost and ended up on the wrong train which was actually headed towards Germany and so after like twenty minutes all of the passengers suddenly turned into Russian War Criminals and I was forced to join a gang by the time I got off and when I finally found a train to go back to Paris it actually was again in the wrong direction so by lunch time I was in Japan and atomic bombs were exploding everywhere and I started growing extra limbs and had to find my way back via some zombie babie who would not stop kicking my leg as I sat across him but I couldn't say anything because I was worried his sleeping mother would punch me. By the time I got back to the Champs Eleyzees it was  already time to go out and because it was my Last Night it was supposed to be about Us Gurls or whatever but I was like "sorry I'm ditching yall for a boy I just fell in love with at Starbucks instead."
 

Monday, October 3, 2011

GIVENCIARA

So last night was Riccardo Tisci's birthday party, where Kanye West basically asked me to marry him as soon as I walked in. He actually had to dump his blonde [ex]gurlfriend right in front of me after she caught us making out in the bathroom.


I feel pretty bad for her, look how jealous she is:


Anyways I left Kanye after Ciara told me he once made Anna Dello Russo eat an entire strawberry so I decided to hang out with Marcelo Burlon but he called me fat and made me cry and almost ruined my night and it would have been ruined had it not been for Gisele and Naomi Campbell saving me their Last Dance.



 PS- Someone please tell Lindsay Lohan to stop texting Daytona.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

TISCIMONPRIX

So basically Riccardo Tisci is collaborating with Kanye West to make us an exclusive line of couture to wear to Beyonce's Baby Shower where Jay Z will be modelling Chanel and Matthew Stone will be mixing.


Saturday, October 1, 2011

BLAIR WITCH PARIS

The only thing we've done in the past two days that hasn't been totally Chanel is when everyone left me just now to watch a "Ballet" while I sit alone at a cafe and try to use the internet because apparently there are no seats left and I don't have enough Givenchy Couture to get in or whatever. But I'm cheering myself up via remembering how last night I met Anna Wintour, got a ride home in a basket and eventually had an encounter with Yulia's Witch.