Tuesday, November 29, 2011

CRUMPETS COOKING

I don't talk much about food here because I've had basically every type of Eating Disorder in history ranging from Anorexia to Pseudo Bulimia to Looking At Magazine Pictures Of Food While Chewing Sugar Free Gum-but recently I've been trying to be "healthy" via wanting to live long enough to at least see my Dogs grow up to get married and have children or whatever so I've been trying to cook lately which has been easier than I thought because I kind of have always hated loved Rachael Ray anyway.


CRUMPETS COOKING GUIDE 2021


1) Breakfast
So I feel like I've been craving chocolate more than usual lately, probably because I'm getting my period more than usual lately, probably because my body is trying to remind me of how much sex I'm not having lately? Anyway, mix these two together for a Wholesome Breakfast (use chocolate powder instead of milk because everyone knows dairy makes you fat).



2) Lunch
I've been kind of obsessed with soup lately mostly because it comes from a bag but also because it's hot and makes you poop a lot. This is my favorite one because it's creamy and therefore reminds me of Starbucks Cappuccinos. Just mix this with water or chocolate powder for like ten minutes and you've got yourself a meal! (It says three servings for one bag but just ignore that).


3) Dinner
Italians eat a lot of pasta which I guess is ok because Disney made it romantic but honestly I can't ever wait long enough for water to boil so I usually end up just putting the stuff in like semi-warm water and waiting overnight for it to "cook" which usually results in a bunch of cold wormy white things I end up flushing down the toilet. So actually I just eat spaghetti raw most of the time, dipped in olive oil when I'm feeling fancy.



4) Dessert
There's no Little Debbie  in Milan but I think I've found the Next Best Thing.



Sunday, November 27, 2011

SAVE PUEBLO

It's a tough world that we live in today-full of heartbreak and loneliness, loss and humiliation, depression and drunk texts. But lets try to ignore that today because today I have a heartwarming story about a Boy, his Farm Animal Friend and the Power Of Facebook. 


It all started about a week ago-just as I was trying on my new Versace for H&M by Natasha Slater dress I got this wall post describing a new Friend Named Pueblo who Daytona has gotten close to while living on a farm in Canada to research new types of wool for Alexander McQueen:



I was jealous of happy for Daytona and his new BF-until things turned sour. 


So we dealt with this the best way we could-with Photoshop Art (don't know what's 911 in Canada anyway pretty sure they don't have phones).












Basically.




Desperate times call for desperate measures. And speaking of desperate, after my twentieth night in a row coming home crawling after "one glass of wine" last night I turn on my computer to keep my hands away from my phone and just when I start Google Searching "Strangers With Candy Winona Ryder Episode Free Streaming" I see this:


Are you crying yet? 




Friday, November 25, 2011

thanx for nothing

I don't know about yall but I'm thankful for Filip making Indonesian Instant Bagged rice, Alex for bringing the boxed wine Filip had brought him last Friday and most of all for my Dad calling me and interrupting Will and Grace.

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Thursday, November 24, 2011

Plastic, Not Fantastic

For about two years I lived in a small apartment in a random area in Milan with only old people and horses and it was so far away from my school and job(s) that it basically took me all day to get anywhere so I usually slept at other people's houses and spent all my money on taxis-but I stayed at that apartment for as long as I could because it was walking distance from Plastic. (My American Readers [Mom] don't understand this but my GaySalvadorians did). 


Close to a Chinese bar, with toilets made of drugs and drinks that send people to hospitals, Plastic was the one place I could rely on to get me Snooki'd and serve as a black hole for all my belongings. Also I usually Got Lucky there-check out that fresh hickey on my neck: 


Plastic even taught me about Fashion.


So what's all this about? :




I won't get into details because it's Thanksgiving and I need to hurry up and get started on my pumpkin fries and fried turkey face and taco pizza cheeseballs but I will say this: What's the point of going to a concert if you're just gonna stand there I mean then you may as well just sit in front of a computer and watch youtube videos because at least that way you won't get in the way of the ~Mermaid Girl~ 



trying to dance on stage 




and kiss the the cattivi bodyguards who just kicked her out for the third time 




and maybe then you won't get in the way of her yelling at that girl who keeps punching her in the face and calling her a puttana 




and maybe then you won't get your foot accidentally stepped on by her Kate Moss For Topshop By Marcelo Burlon Heels


Tuesday, November 22, 2011

ratzgiving

It's a Beautiful Friday Morning in the Early 90's in a Preschool in North Carolina where the Teacher asks the Children to draw what they had eaten for dinner last night. So the [adorable, brilliant] little Immigrant named Tea draws a delicious Pizza. 


And the Teacher's upset. 



"A Pizza?"
"Da."
"For Thanskgiving?" 
"Da!"
"..."
"Sta je TankZiving?"



After getting sent to Time-Out for Anti-Patriotic-Pizza-Propaganda Tea and her Family decide they don't want to get deported so they start celebrating ~This American Holiday~ with another bunch of Croatians who don't eat Turkey or watch Football or talk about Pilgrims but do have tons of Rakija so meeting with them becomes Tea's Thanksgiving Tradition.


Until she moves to Milan.


Tea's first Milanese Thanksgiving is spent with a bunch of American Students who "miss home" and decide to each make One Thanksgiving Dish for each other-so Tea bakes them Vodka Pie and everyone else cooks Fried Chicken.



The following year Those Americans leave so Tea spends Thanksgiving with an Italian Boyfriend who wants to come over to "make dinner" so he tells her to "have ingredients ready at home." Being an Obedient Girlfriend Tea buys a box of spaghetti and tomato sauce thinking he'll be impressed but he actually just yells at her and tells her she's not a "real woman" and that if she want to date Italian Boys she needs to always have [a long list of things Tea's forgotten because she wasn't paying attention] in her kitchen. They break up soon after because his Buddhist Maestro tells him that Tea's a bad influence or something which is actually OK because she was starting to like her other secret boyfriend more anyway.




The next Thanksgiving Tea "DJ's" at a Swinger's Club with a bunch of hot weirdos and pervs and ends up sleeping over at a guy's place without "doing anything" because though she actually kinda used to have a big crush on him she also became good friends with his ex-girlfriend so it was complicated, blah blah blah.


ANYWAY. The point is this Thursday is Thanksgiving again and Tea is tired of it being crappy/random and writing in third person and wants this year to Do It Right so she's asking yall for suggestions that don't involve her cooking eating or sitting at a table or being broken up with? What do yall think.


BREAKING DAYTONA BEST SCENE

Finally! The highly anticipated screenshots of the ~~Most Anticipated Scene~~ from Twilight's Breaking Dawn, taken by Filip's Polish Beer Covered Fingers last night-Enjoy!



Monday, November 21, 2011

Breaking Daytona

After having Some Guy tell me I have ugly hands and can't write I decided the only thing I can post next is a Review on something someone else has done because my ideas suck. So obviously I chose to write about Breaking Dawn. Filip and I found it on streaming tonight and were so excited when the opening credits started that we basically held each other and cried for like fifteen minutes-until we realized that it's terrible. Bella doesn't wear any nail polish to her own wedding, 


she ruins her Dior for H&M dress in the grass, the sex scene only lasts for like five seconds and you don't even see Edward's ass! So we kind of just stopped watching and cooked a weird Polish Dinner instead.

video

After we wanted to watch My Name Is Earl but Megavideo said we exceeded our limit so out of desperation we just made Daytona write stories for us and they're actually better than any movie out right now so consider yourselves lucky: 


Saturday, November 19, 2011

anonymaybz


So today someone left me this comment on "Macbook Boyfriend" and I have some things to say about it like what language is this even in?

Friday, November 18, 2011

NEW BBANNER!!!

Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian






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NOBODY WILL KNOW WHO YOU ARE NOW THAT YOU AREN'T BLONDE ANYMORE

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PS- Can yall PLEASE help me with my banner? Like can somebody just do it for me and send it to me? I've given up, my Mom says this new one just looks like a snake. 

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Macbook Boyfriend

So having pretty much given up on ever fixing my Mac I've decided to at least put it to use.




Here's how:


1) Coaster


2) Dinner Table


3) Cutting Board


4) Frisbee


5) Exercise


6) Hat


7) Nail File



8) Sandwich


9) Pillow


10) Boyfriend