Sunday, December 30, 2012

TEA'S TOP 100

We all know that saying, "you can never go home again," but do we know what it means? And is it true? I don't think so. I think you can go home again, but you can't do so without gaining ten pounds and losing your will to wash your face or wipe after using the bathroom. For the first time in almost a year I'm in walking distance of a refrigerator that's full of food that doesn't belong to my roommates and therefore is fair game for me and by "walking distance" I mean "walking distance for my mother because she serves it to me." And we all know nothing goes with food like television! I haven't had a TV around me in a non-bar situation since February, so I'm pretty psyched to be catching up on it, HOWEVER I'm currently watching VHI's 100 Greatest Women In Music and I'm Just. Shocked. Because according to VH1:

Hayley Williams is greater than Kim Gordon?
Kelly Clarkson is better than Shanya Twain?
Ke$ha is more relevant than Courtney Love?!
MARIAH CAREY is even comparable to LADY GAGA?! *faints*

Y'ALL. This is UN. ACCEPTABLE. It's just, NO. Who is making these lists? A teenage intern? An anxious hamster? An morbidly obese pug? 



No, pugs would know better. But VH1 doesn't, and I don't want them tainting the minds of their viewers! So here's the new list. Here's the REAL list:

The Top 100 Women In Music, 
According to Me And Therefore Everyone.

100: Mandy Moore ("Candy" gave me Anorexia)
99: Dolly Parton (it takes a lot of money to look this deep)
98: Anyone who came in #2 on American Idol
97: The Other Destiny's Child(s)



96: The Illiterate Spice Girl
95: The Bulimic Spice Girl
94: The Psychotic Spice Girl
93: The Black Spice Girl
92: The Gay Spice Girl

(as seen left-right duh)


91: Britney Spears (rags to riches to rags #heartwarming)
90: Lindsay Lohan (#relevant)




89: Paris Hilton



88: Kim Kardashian (bye haters)
87: Brandy And Monica (the boy is not even that cute)
86: Vintage Xtina (when she was skinnie)
85: Vintage Jewel (when she was homeless)
84: Vintage Miley (when she was slutty)



83: Fiona Apple ("Criminal" = good for Stripping + #thinspiration)
82: The Red Aunts (songs about poisoning boyfriends)
81: Dixie Chicks (songs about killing ex-husbands)
80: Nicole Westbrook (songs about killing yourself)




79: Aaliyah (first girlcrush via wearing man pants, RIP babygurl)
76: Lil' Kim (first sex pos influence + #slutspiration)
77: Paula Abdul (straight up now tell me where you buy tights)
79: Eve (boob paws = bestiality or body art? who cares?)
78: Brody Dalle (cool via breaking Tim Armstrong's heart #lol)
77: Cyndi Lauper (songs about masturbation)
76: The Puta from The Divinyls (songs about masturbation)
75: Tori Amos (songs about masturbation)
74: Missy Elliot (trashbag fashun and #fatspiration)
73: Kim Deal (boned her bandmates #win)



72: Kim Gordon (didn't bone anyone #sorry)



71: Saoirse Wall 



70:
69:
68:
67:
66: sigh
65: Tajci (Balkan Bitches FTW)



64:
63:
62:
61:
60: idk
59:
58:
57:
56:
55:
54:
53:
52: Beyonce
51:
50:
49:
48:
47:
46:
45:
44: wat am i doing
43:
42:
41:
40: Coco



39:
38:
37:
36: 
35:
34: Jojo
33:
32:
31:
30:
29:
28:
27:
26:
25: this isn't fun anymore
24:
23:
22:
21:
20:
19:
18: Lydia Lunch (I have touched her)



17: Courtney Love (life coach + I touched her too)
16: Gwen Stefani (spiritual leader + will touch her one day)



15: Lady Gaga in "Beautiful, Dirty, Rich"
14: Lady Gaga in "Just Dance"
13: Lady Gaga in "Poker Face"
12: Lady Gaga in "Eh, Eh, (Nothing Else I Can Say)"
11: Lady Gaga in "Love Game"
10: Lady Gaga in "Paparazzi"
9: Lady Gaga in "Bad Romance"
8: Lady Gaga in "Telephone"
7: Lady Gaga in "Alejandro"
6: Lady Gaga in "Born This Way"
5: Lady Gaga in "Judas"
4: Lady Gaga in "The Edge Of Glory"
3: Lady Gaga in "Marry The Night"
2: Lady Gaga in "You And I"
1: Lady Gaga in "Cake"



(Honorable Mentions: Madonna, Cher, and Prince)


YOU'RE WELCOME

New Year's Sexolutions




What are your plans for New Year’s Eve? Are you doing something exciting? Have you picked out a sequined cocktail dress and ordered your cocaine? Are you attending an exclusive party on a fancy resort in Morocco? Or are you still stuck on “Christmas Vacation” at your parents home? Will you ring in the new year with your evil uncle? Spend it snorting your mom’s valium pills? Or are you hooking up with your long-lost high school lover?

It doesn’t matter, because The Rule of New Year’s Eve is that whatever you do won’t meet your expectations. And boy, are there expectations! You’ve got to have fun! You have to look great! You absolutely must kiss somebody at midnight (if you don’t you will die)! There’s so much pressure to do it right because astrologers, scientists and your grandmother have all confirmed that what you do on New Year’s will set the tone for the next year. It’s true! Like, we all know that if you have sex on New Year’s that means you’ll be getting lucky for the next twelve months-and if you don’t, you won’t-so I’ve made a point of getting laid every NYE since I lost my virginity (back when there were dinosaurs and Britney Spears wasn’t on meds).

But this year I won’t be able to! Because this NYE I’ll be in DC watching The Hobbit with my sister, spending those Important Hours eating popcorn and predicting the future. What will 2013 be like? Will Lana Del Rey get pregnant? Will Miley Cyrus come out of the closet? Will Milan finally get a Starbucks? Will my dog learn to love me? 

Continue reading/Google Translating on Vice Italy ;)

Monday, December 24, 2012

SEXMAS FASHUN 2012

Hey Y'all! I'm back in North Carolina after another thrilling trip involving farting into my plane seat and lying to business men at airport bars in hopes of tricking them into falling in love with me. I'm home now and let me tell you, it's nothing short of a Winter Wonderland full of ordering my Mother to bring me food and petting three cats at once. I'm feeling great and I'm excited-because not only can I now poop without worrying about my two male roommates hearing me but also I can finally dress the way that fits me best: For Home.

Dressing For Home is a delicate art mastered by Slavic people and War Criminals and it can be confusing for some, so I'm here to offer tips!

4 Ways To Dress For 4 Home Situations: SeXMas Edition!

1) Sultry Stuff
Whether you're inviting your high school ex-boyfriend over for a little romp in memory lane or just having a sexy time by yourself with your Dad's computer, a sweet pair of velvet Juicy Couture sweatpants are key. Here I am modeling my new pair in my old Bedroom. Ah, memories. 



2) Business Casual
Just because you're at home doesn't mean you can forget about all of your obligations, you lazy piece of shit! So throw on some practical Ikea slippers, a fancy Old Navy Knit and thrift store sweatpants you won't mind wiping your nose on after you spend the next few hours crying over the fact that you're probably going to lose your job because nobody likes your writing.


3) The Great Outdoors
I can not believe you just finished all of the Russian Salad your Mom is going to kill you she was saving that for tomorrow's big dinner, what are you going to do? RUN! Run to the neighbor's house and hide out behind their Christmas tree! Just keep in mind that at least two days will pass before your family notices you're gone, so wear a warm bathrobe. 


4) Party Time, Excellent
Your cats friends are calling you and your dogs  boyfriends are sexting you and they all want your attention NOW and they won't wait and you have to impress them! So slip into your Nike shorts to show off your legs before they get fat this week. 



MERRY SEXMAS Y'ALL 

Thursday, December 13, 2012

THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND ABOUT JENNA MARBLES: STUPID IDIOT EDITION

Jenna Marbles made a marvelously slut-shamey video and I had to respond to it because how dare you ask me to Google someone before putting them inside me. (PS- in retrospect I realize calling a girl a bitch is as bad as calling her a slut but you know, anger).

Thursday, December 6, 2012

FIVE REASONS WHY I SHOULD BE ON TV

I sent this to an Italian TV station last week and they haven't replied which means that either their internet is broken or I've slept with someone who works there and he's afraid to contact me via having a Broken Heart in which case I'm like GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR FEELINGS, BABE!

BOOK CLERB PERT FERV

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

THANKSGIVING FASHUN 2012

So y'all already know I'm from Croatia but I grew up in America and I'm THANKFUL for that because in America I got to go to American schools where they taught me about America and also I got to see the Backstreet Boys in concert, like, twice, before turning twelve. I haven't been in the US for the past FOUR Thanksgivings and will miss this one as well but that won't stop me from telling y'all Americans how to dress up for yours! So here's What To Wear To Thanksgiving Dinner Depending On Where You Spend It:




TEA'S THANXGIVING FASHUN GUIDE:

1) FAMILY HOME

Wear your ugliest, oldest shit, like Gap flares and fleece. Not just because you'll be getting fed to death and therefore spilling animal grease all over yourself but because you wanna prove to Mommy and Daddy that the economy sucks and that you need a New Expensive Professional Wardrobe a.s.a.p if they have any hope of you finding a job that will allow you to at least afford your own used car and give them back that damned Honda once and for all, Dad's getting tired of riding the bus to work, you selfish jerk! 

2) BOYFRIEND'S HOME
Guuurlll he's totes gonna put a ring on it! Before he does that, though, you've gotta sit through the hellfire that is Thanxgiving with your future In Laws. Wear something hella hot, like an American Apparel mini-dress, so his Dad will wanna bone you (and therefore wanna keep you "In The Family"). Underneath wear something tight, like an Agent Provocateur corset, so his Mom respects your ability to handle pain and discomfort for the sake of others, as we all know that's the #1 prerequisite to becoming a wife. Also if you're wearing something tight you're less likely to eat, which is good because boyfriend's crazy sister probably poisoned your food (she's in love with him and totally jealous of you, duh). Your boyfriend's family is hella weird, way to pick your future, you psycho! 



3) FRIEND'S HOME
Cool, another night spent trying to make that puta feel better about her crappy life when she never asks you how YOU are but I guess that's ok because at least your life is a little better than hers or at least you have the ability to tell yourself that it is and THAT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT THING RIGHT? Wear sweatpants for comfort and a wig so when y'all get into a fight and she grabs your 'hair' she falls down. Dumb bitch. 

4) YOUR HOME (WITH GUESTS)
Keep it simple, nothing more than a faux silk H&M robe. You'll end up in your bathtub crying to "Nothing Compares To You" by the end of dinner anyway but before that you'll get too drunk to take off whatever complicated crap you wanted to put on to try to draw your Ex-Boyfriend's attention to your butt and away from your cockroach problem. 

5) YOUR HOME (ALONE)
Wear whatever you want, nobody cares about you. 



6) RESTAURANT (WITH COMPANY)
Wear something durable and travel-friendly, like a Banana Republic trench. If you've gotten to a point in your life where neither your friends, family or loved ones are hosting Thanksgiving Dinner at home, that probably means you're at a point in your life where neither your friends, family or loved ones can afford a table big enough to sit more than two people and one cat and therefore you've got to skip town a.s.a.p.

7) RESTAURANT (ALONE)
You know that discounted-last-season-outlet Versace dress you bought? The one that's one size too small? The one that barely zips up so you hang it on your bedroom door in hopes that seeing it every morning will motivate you to hate yourself eat well and work out? The one you haven't worn out yet? The one you've been saving for a Special Occasion? This is that occasion. Because the types of men who eat out alone on Thanksgiving Night are those either busy enough to avoid their families, hot enough to be single or clever enough to get out of hanging out with their wives on A Holiday-and therefore sleazy enough to go home with somebody like you.



Happy Thanxgiving!

THE TEA HAUS EPISODE FIVE

Life is strange and full of surprises. For example, today I pooped three times and didn't eat anything! Another surprise is that Early Millennium Fashun has come back into style-especially the "Party Monster" aesthetic. Some of us have already seen this via Famous Tumblr Putas but now all of us are seeing it in Strapper (Stripper + Rapper = Strapper (you're welcome)) Brooke Candy. It's obvious you wanna be like her, but it isn't so obvious where you can buy her clothes! Well, if you live in Milan, now you'll know. 

Friday, November 16, 2012

PARKING LOT CAT

Meow! I'm Parking Lot Cat, nice to meet you! That's me, in a cage: 


Why was I in a cage? Because a Croatian Woman put me there. Why? Cuz she was saving me! You see, I've been living in the parking lot by her work, NCCU. How did I get there? It's a long story. And by "long story" I mean a sad story and by "sad story" I mean I'm not gonna get into it because I'll cry and I don't feel like re-doing my makeup. Anyway, I've become famous as the "Parking Lot Cat" and I know this, because that's what all the students called me, the ones who would feed me scraps from their unhealthy cafeteria lunches. I guess I owned that parking lot and living there made me cool. But being cool doesn't pay the bills and it definitely doesn't get you free tuna. Anyway, let's not dwell on the past. Look, here's me with my new roommate, she keeps kissing on me and I keep being like, "why you so obsessed with me?" 


I know why she's obsessed with me, though, it's cuz I'm hella cute. Speaking of cute, here's me snuggled up under some covers, being luxurious like the Parking Lot Queen that I am. Only now I'm a Bed Queen. A House Queen. I own all of you.


Yeah, I'm a homeowner now! Because after that Croatian Lady tempted me with food and got me into that cage and drove me around in her car and brought me to her home she let me out and told me I can live there now, if I want to, and I said "yes." So now I'm living in Chapel Hill instead of Durham, sleeping on fluffy pillows instead of concrete and bingeing on Gourmet Cat Food from Whole Foods instead of garbage. And though I'll kind of miss that parking lot and really miss those kids who fed me high-fructose corn syrup, I most definitely will not miss being cold and lonely and hungry and dirty and cold (and so dirty!). I'm glad I stuck around there for as long as I did, though, and didn't give up. You should never give up. Because your life can change any second. So just keep going and going and checking those trashcans and licking your butt and meowing your heart out even when you feel you can't go on, because tomorrow just may be the day that Croatian Woman saves you.


So keep your tail up! That's all for meow. 


Thursday, November 15, 2012

A FUN WAY TO SPEND AN EVENING AT HOME IS TO MAKE COFFEE AT MIDNIGHT AND HOLD YOUR PEE IN UNTIL DAWN



Hey! What's up? No. No, I can't. Sorry. I'm busy. I'm working! I'm writing! I'm starting to. No you can't. I'm doing a mask. Mayonnaise! In my hair! Yeah. Oh, just reading my horoscope. The usual. Well, it says I'm really emotional this week, which is actually so true. Mercury left my sign today. It's the planet of communication. No, but it might just be because I'm supposed to get my period. No, I'm skipping it again. Yeah, like five months! No, it's totes healthy. I read it online. No you won't. I won't let you. I can't wash my hair for another, like, hour. No, but then I have to put egg in it. For split ends! Color damage. I will not. I will not shave. I will not shave my head again. You know the last time I didn't get laid for like a year. Oh, ha, ha. I go on dates sometimes. I don't have to tell you everything. Who? The one with the thing? No, he never called me. I think he has a girlfriend! I know! So hot. Yeah. Really good.Yeah. Sad. Well, what else could it be? Huh? I don't know! When were you born? Shut up, I usually don't read this shit. I need guidance! It's like, even atheists believe in God before they die. My grandmother told me. No, she's alive. Huh? It feeds my roots. Essential oils. I read it online. It's replenishing. Moisture. The smell? It makes me hungry, actually. I can't. I already did. I binged, basically. Huh? Cauliflower. Yeah, the whole head. No but I read online a whole head of cauliflower only has 200 calories. Yeah! Yeah, and it has tons of fiber, so I'll poop. Oh, much better. Oh, I'm almost regular! Like, almost once a day now. I know. So lucky. I can't imagine how I was living before. Uh, wait. Hold on! Ok. Yeah. Yeah I just got mayonnaise on the phone. Look, I have to go. No, I can't! Not even. I have to write. Yeah I'm starting! No, I don't know. Not yet. I'm brainstorming. Well it's hard coming up with, look, it's dripping down my neck. I gotta go. No! I told you. Wait, you're a Taurus, right? Yeah, it says you're sad, too. 

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

NEW BANNER BY ~IMOGEN DONATO~ AKA SPACE QUEEN

Hey! Hey! Hey y'all do y'all like my new banner? Y'all?


Hey, the puta who made it is cool. Her name is Imogen Donato and that's a weird name so she's probably from space where she lives on a beautiful planet made entirely of breakfast foods and warm milk. 


 

On her home planet, Imogen is Queen and her subjects worship her. Imogen's subjects love her and show their undying devotion to her by building their Queen shining pyramids of maple syrup and butter squares. Imogen is a grateful Queen and she pays her subjects in powdered sugar. She is a righteous ruler, a generous lady and a hit on the dance floor. 



Thanks for the banner, Imogen, you're a good Queen, and a great friend.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

THE TEA HAUS EPISODE 4

Back when I was young and living in an innocent time when cell phones were only used as fantastic props in films like MIB and Clueless and The Night At The Roxy, my way of making guys talk to me was asking them for The Time. This way I could not only start a conversation but see immediately what kind of money they're blowing on their wrists, #ifyouknowwhatimean. It was an easy way to flirt with dudes before I learned to just ask them for cigarettes or whatever. However, now I don't smoke anymore and now I don't know how to pick up guys because now everybody who is anybody or actually just anyone who's alive has a cell phone and therefore if you ask somebody what time it is they think you're poor, but not even poor, because even poor people have the new iPhone. So, they just think you're a psycho and nobody really likes psychos but at least because watches are so useless now, that's what makes them #chic #to #death.

Monday, November 12, 2012

THE TEA TV PROJECT 2013

So maybe y'all have noticed that I'm kind of into the idea of being on television and by "into the idea" I mean obsessed with it and by "obsessed with it" I mean it keeps me up at night and makes me constipated.




I really want to be on television and even though I've had My Fifteen Minutes (literally) on Rai 2 and even though that night I stalked befriended a liar "TV Agent"



and even though that weekend I went to a comedy show with him and acted really charming and made funny jokes the whole time and impressed his friends and wore tons of makeup and told him he totally has to get me a job or else I'll go to his house and tell his wife that he really does think she looks fat in those pants and that I know this because he TOLD ME SO, I am still Not Yet On Television As A Famous Person On Television Who Works On Television. And like, I'm almost 25 years old y'all and if I wanna have my own TV Show before my first boob lift I've got to start hustling. So here's my plan for 2013:

TEA'S TV FAMOUZ PLAN

1) GET PREGNANT



Nine months from now I wanna find myself in a Burger King restroom, realizing that, no, it wasn't Just Something I Ate that has been making me bloated and moody and that in fact it was not a good idea to believe that dude who said that condoms work just as well while in the box if you just think about them working hard enough and when that happens I'll call the ambulance and they will call a camera crew and I'll be all, "so there I was pooping and reading US Weekly and everything was OK and all of a sudden my poop was screaming at me and I was like, sorry it's not my fault they told me to get the spicy sauce, and then I looked down and there was a baby and it looks just like Justin Bieber which is annoying, because he owes me money." And then I'll wink.

2) GET MARRIED



The Public loooves brides and I could looove yelling at someone else's parents and buying unflattering dresses for my enemies bridesmaids and cheating on my future husband with his sister or whatevz.

3) RELEASE A SEX TAPE



But before I can release a sex tape I need to have a sex tape leaked and before I can leak a sex tape I need to record one but that's harder than it sounds considering my sex life currently consists of me going to the gym and doing the Stair Master until my thighs are sore enough to trick myself into thinking that someone actually touches them sometimes. 

3) DIE





PLEASE LOVE ME (A RECAP OF THIS MONTH)




PS- Those of y'all who aren't my FB Friends and/or Twitter Followers and/or "Fans" (Mom and Dad) and therefore don't get like every single update of every single second of my life (poor you) here's a ~friendly reminder~ to read my Vice Columns and if you can't read them via not speaking pizza then at least look at the pictures and tell yourself the writing is probably really good or whatevz.


This time I wrote about boning and punk rock. 

Monday, November 5, 2012

AN OPEN LETTER TO CHARLES BUKOWSKI

Dear Charles Bukowski,
How are you?
don't answer that,
I don't care.

Dear Charles Bukowski,
I used to like you.
I really liked you.
like, 
I was obsessed,
kind of.
before reading your books.

I mean
I read your books,
obviously.
but I only read some.
and those were good!
they were ~funny~
and I thought YOu were funny, too.
and I wanted to be like you, 
kind of.
without the scars on my face.

Dear Charles,
(can I call you Charles?)

BUT, CHARLES!
but 
now I've read 
your other books,
and.

what the fuck?

What. The. Actual. 
Fuck

is wrong with you?

DEAR CHARLES BUKOWSKI,
NO!
(no)




Charles!
I used to think
that we would be friends.
I thought
you'd be impressed
by how much whiskey 
I can drink.
I used to think that
if we met
you'd listen to my jokes 
and laugh 
or something.

But then, Charles,
I read "Women" 
and I read "a .45 to Pay The Rent"
and read "Too Sensitive"
and I know I shouldn't have, but
I also read "Rape! Rape!" 

And then I threw that book across my bedroom.

Charles,
you talk about women
as if we are literal
pieces
of
poop
and rape 
as if it's like, 
as harmless as
getting a slice of pizza.
(it isn't).

Charles Bukowski!
you hate me! 
for my vagina!
and that's sad.
because I liked you. 
(a lot).
even though you have a dick.
but if you met me 
you wouldn't waste your time 
unless you'd think I'd have nice legs 
that I could "cross high" for you.
and even then you'd just want to yell at me 
or rape me 
or something.

Dear Charles Bukowski,
I hate you.
(but I hate you For A Reason).
and I hope you are sad.
I mean, you're dead, 
so I guess you are.

Charles.
you are not a genius.
Geniuses have the ability to,
you know, 
think.

Dear Charles Bukowski,
if I ever did meet you,
I'd slap your
stupid face.
and not in a sexy way.

Dear Charles Bukowski,

~whatever~