Friday, August 10, 2012

HOW MANY PUTAS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHTBULB

You know when you Live With Two Boys but those boys Go On Vacation and so you are Totally Alone but things are going great because you can Have Tons of Guests (Pizza Delivery) and Walk Around The House Naked (Shaping Underwear) and Make Noise All Night (Cry To Your Mom On The Phone) and everything is fantastic and then all of a sudden the light in the Living Room and in Your Bedroom go out? 



Well this is a big problem because you've already been feeling a bit depressed and you've heard that Darkness Makes It Worse and so you want to change the lights immediately and you want to Do This Yourself because you are a Strong Independent Woman and you Don't Need A Man To Help You Do Things because anyway the last Boy You Were Dating fixed your Air Conditioning and after that it All Went To Hell so you want to do this alone but your ceiling is so high and you realize you'd have to stand on something to reach it but are worried that if you do that you'll fall and break your neck and that would be Terrible because Graduation is so close and you still have a bright future and you still need to Move To L.A. and get famous for that Best Selling Book you will write.



And so you ask everyone you know for help. 



But nobody wants to help you.



So you Think On The Bright Side and decide that this way You'll Save Energy and Help The Baby Seals and after a few days you see that you're right and you're right because you are saving energy, because you're saving your own energy, because you are sleeping all day, because the darkness in your room has become a pit of misery and despair and what's the point of even getting up to pee when you don't even have Toilet Paper.



But you're really kind of having an emergency (you've run out of cardboard as well) and so you get up and you put on Some Clothes and you go out Into The Wild and into The Local Grocery Store and you go in and you find the Toilet Paper and a New Light Bulb and also a Can of Beans because you haven't been pooping right lately and you run home and you eat the beans and you use that toilet paper and you feel So Ready to have some Light In Your Life Again and so you move your desk into the center of your room and you take off your shoes and you stand on top of it and you find some ~balance~ and you reach up and you unscrew that old light bulb that died and you throw it on your bed and, ohgod, you're shaking, you must hurry now so you don't fall you will be OK just one last step JUST ONE LAST STEP and you realize now you know how movie stunt doubles feel and then take out that new lightbulb and you put it up to the empty spot the old one left for you to Screw and then you see and then you see and then you see that the lightbulb you bought today is too small.




5 comments:

  1. you are amazing tea. i love you and want you to be my surrogate

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  2. tea you rock and i want you to b my surrogate xx

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  3. Hi Tea im just wondering but will your book on existentialism be one long huge thick sentence

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  4. the saddest thing i have ever read

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