Sunday, September 23, 2012


Dear Dolce and Gabbana,
How Dare You?
How Dare You not invite me to your last show? 

How Dare You, when every time I attend I always get there on time and come dressed like a Fashun Alien who just descended from a space ship on Earth on a mission to make everyone Chic To Death? How Dare You not invite me, when you know I'm the only reason Bryan Boy comes?

Does this mean I don't work for your Online Magazine anymore?

And if so, How Dare You Fire Me?
How Dare You, when I wrote such sizzling articles about sizzling subjects like pizza artists?

And, Oh My God, How Dare You not let me do any more backstage interviews?

How Dare You, when everyone knows I was so lumping brilliant at them, including David Gandy who couldn't stop sexting me afterwards?

How Dare You.
Is this all because you're jealz that my collection's better than yours?

Or are you just sad that I don't wear your perfume anymore because the scent reminded me of my previous Fashun Showroom Boss who used to terrorize me daily so wearing it gave me PTSD?

Are you trying to tell me something? 
Did I do something wrong?
And even so, How Dare You???
How Dare You take away my bragging rights?

What the hell am I supposed to tell people I do now to make them jealous of me????????


We are Over.

Unless we aren't?
Unless this was all a big mistake?

Unless you actually did send me an invitation to the show and it got stolen by a fashun-obsessed mailman? Or maybe my roommate who actually hates me and wanted to punish me?

Unless y'all will renew my Swide contract and allow me to continue using the pretense of "interviews" to hit on cute boys?

Unless y'all are secretly obsessed with me and your silence has only been y'all playing hard to get

Unless this has all been a game to win my heart?

Because in that case, 

Dolce and Gabbana, 

You HAVE my heart.

You always did.

If you want it, it's yours.

And you can cover it in as much lace, gold and stripes as you want. Because I, too, love Sicilian shit. Or at least, I did once, when I went there to meet the family of a boy I was dating two summers ago, who dumped me two weeks later after I basically broke his toilet via having an internal emergency via his mother's cooking.

Dear Dolce and Gabbana,
4ever yours,


1 comment:

  1. OMG D&G is not stupid enough to get rid of Mondo Trasho! Simon is dying internally for another interview!