Saturday, October 13, 2012


By some strange new strain of ~luck~ I'm going back to Naples because by some twisted strike of ~fate~ I'm going be a #Bridesmaid. Yes, someone willingly wants me to stand beside and watch them, witness and honor them while they're getting hitched. Someone trusts me enough to see them make an Honest Woman Of Themselves and someone is even letting me do it all while wearing a black dress. My own dress, no puffy sleeves. Oh, who is this Mysterious Bridal Unicorn Mermaid, you all ask? Duh, guys, Olivia! Olivia is marrying her boyfriend Vinny on Monday and they're doing it ~FOR LOVE~ and they're doing it in Naples and the band will be The Mafia and the food will all be drugged. Below is a picture of Olivia and me and Olivia is on the right, duh:

I like Olivia because she reminds me of Kirsten Dunst if Kirsten Dunst were more fun and speaking of fun, a fun fact about Olivia is that her lungs are very small and too small for her to smoke cigarettes without hurting herself, how chic is that, y'all?

Olivia and I have gone through a lot, and we've gone through a lot together, we've partied together, we've worked together and we've worn themed outfits together. 

I've even slept on her couch, near a snoring dog who interrupted my slumber via crawling on top of me and licking my face and sending brain waves telling me that he loves me. I even got to bathe in Olivia's tub while she slept in her bed with her boyfriend, while her and Vinny, they slept together, in the bed, which was near the bathtub I was in, which had no curtain. She even let me borrow a shirt that morning, so I wouldn't smell bad at work, a t-shirt with something cool on it, like some obscure metal band only Olivia and the kids she drank malt liquor with back in Reno in the late 90's knew.

Yes, Olivia lived in Reno, you guys, because, Olivia's legit, Olivia's #punkrock, Olivia's one hardcore puta. Which is why I know that being her #Bridesmaid is an honor and which is why I'm kind of peeing my pants in preparation for it, because, what do I do, do I prepare a speech or some kind of pep talk or plan a bachelorette party for her, if so, should I hire a stripper? And if so, how many strippers? What nationality of strippers, y'all? They should be Brazilian, right? And, guys, what types of costumes should these Brazilians wear and take off? Oh, and what about the wedding day? What if on her Big Day Olivia chips her nail polish or sees a split end in her hair or gets her period early and I didn't bring extra tampons or nail polish or even a goddamn hairbrush? What if I'm the worst #Bridesmaid ever? What if someone hears how terrible I am and directs a heartwarming romantic slapstick humor comedy all about it? What if the film is a hit and I make no f'ing money off it? What if my identity is stolen by Charlize Theron? 

I'll let y'all know Tuesday.