Tuesday, November 20, 2012

THANKSGIVING FASHUN 2012

So y'all already know I'm from Croatia but I grew up in America and I'm THANKFUL for that because in America I got to go to American schools where they taught me about America and also I got to see the Backstreet Boys in concert, like, twice, before turning twelve. I haven't been in the US for the past FOUR Thanksgivings and will miss this one as well but that won't stop me from telling y'all Americans how to dress up for yours! So here's What To Wear To Thanksgiving Dinner Depending On Where You Spend It:




TEA'S THANXGIVING FASHUN GUIDE:

1) FAMILY HOME

Wear your ugliest, oldest shit, like Gap flares and fleece. Not just because you'll be getting fed to death and therefore spilling animal grease all over yourself but because you wanna prove to Mommy and Daddy that the economy sucks and that you need a New Expensive Professional Wardrobe a.s.a.p if they have any hope of you finding a job that will allow you to at least afford your own used car and give them back that damned Honda once and for all, Dad's getting tired of riding the bus to work, you selfish jerk! 

2) BOYFRIEND'S HOME
Guuurlll he's totes gonna put a ring on it! Before he does that, though, you've gotta sit through the hellfire that is Thanxgiving with your future In Laws. Wear something hella hot, like an American Apparel mini-dress, so his Dad will wanna bone you (and therefore wanna keep you "In The Family"). Underneath wear something tight, like an Agent Provocateur corset, so his Mom respects your ability to handle pain and discomfort for the sake of others, as we all know that's the #1 prerequisite to becoming a wife. Also if you're wearing something tight you're less likely to eat, which is good because boyfriend's crazy sister probably poisoned your food (she's in love with him and totally jealous of you, duh). Your boyfriend's family is hella weird, way to pick your future, you psycho! 



3) FRIEND'S HOME
Cool, another night spent trying to make that puta feel better about her crappy life when she never asks you how YOU are but I guess that's ok because at least your life is a little better than hers or at least you have the ability to tell yourself that it is and THAT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT THING RIGHT? Wear sweatpants for comfort and a wig so when y'all get into a fight and she grabs your 'hair' she falls down. Dumb bitch. 

4) YOUR HOME (WITH GUESTS)
Keep it simple, nothing more than a faux silk H&M robe. You'll end up in your bathtub crying to "Nothing Compares To You" by the end of dinner anyway but before that you'll get too drunk to take off whatever complicated crap you wanted to put on to try to draw your Ex-Boyfriend's attention to your butt and away from your cockroach problem. 

5) YOUR HOME (ALONE)
Wear whatever you want, nobody cares about you. 



6) RESTAURANT (WITH COMPANY)
Wear something durable and travel-friendly, like a Banana Republic trench. If you've gotten to a point in your life where neither your friends, family or loved ones are hosting Thanksgiving Dinner at home, that probably means you're at a point in your life where neither your friends, family or loved ones can afford a table big enough to sit more than two people and one cat and therefore you've got to skip town a.s.a.p.

7) RESTAURANT (ALONE)
You know that discounted-last-season-outlet Versace dress you bought? The one that's one size too small? The one that barely zips up so you hang it on your bedroom door in hopes that seeing it every morning will motivate you to hate yourself eat well and work out? The one you haven't worn out yet? The one you've been saving for a Special Occasion? This is that occasion. Because the types of men who eat out alone on Thanksgiving Night are those either busy enough to avoid their families, hot enough to be single or clever enough to get out of hanging out with their wives on A Holiday-and therefore sleazy enough to go home with somebody like you.



Happy Thanxgiving!

2 comments:

  1. I love it when you write like this- you are the god of life.

    ReplyDelete